


Married At the First Sight

by HanHan_Solo156



Category: Rammstein
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bachelor Party, Bizarre Dreams, Cruel bosses, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Honeymoon not going as expected, Hurt and comfort, M/M, Phobias, Reality TV, Slow Build, Weddings, deep talks, entertainment business, fears, flashback scenes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-01-25 00:29:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 55,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21347311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HanHan_Solo156/pseuds/HanHan_Solo156
Summary: Being alone and frustrated in his thirties, Richard is desperately seeking for that one true love. As his last straw, he decides to attend to a reality tv show "Married At the First Sight". Through that show he is introduced to his future wife and to their cameraman, Paul Landers, who is closely filming Richard's newly-wed life.The consequences are far beyond what Richard could have expected even in his wildest dreams though.
Relationships: Richard Kruspe/Original Female Character(s), Richard Kruspe/Paul Landers
Comments: 90
Kudos: 174





	1. The interviews

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT (May 2020): Hello everyone and welcome to this story! 
> 
> This fic was originally a co-writing project, but ended up being owned by me (hanhanhan156). I changed the name - even though in the prompt it was "on the first sight" it somehow disturbed me as "at the first sight" sounds like the correct one. Summary is also changed, the prompt is now visible here. The other chapters are untouched though. From the ninth part, I will be the only writer.
> 
> Have fun! Kudos and comments are always welcome. :--)
> 
> ~***~
> 
> Hello, 
> 
> This is a collaboration fic between Xiaolianhua and Hanhanhan156. We write chapter by chapter, not knowing what the other has written until we read it here, published and then proceed to write the next chapter while taking turns until the story is finished. 
> 
> We have never done this before and it is an exciting challenge for us as well. The eventual relationship will be revealed as the story processes as well as tags will be added accordingly.
> 
> Married On First Sight AU:  
A is a very lonely person and decides to participate in the tv program Married On First Sight. They are coupled with a person they really like, but as the time goes on, they realise it’s impossible to fall in love with them.  
Especially when they see B, the camera worker who follows the couple everywhere during the honeymoon and the first months of their arranged marriage…  
Co-writing fic based on this prompt on OTPprompts.tumblr.com

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://otpprompts.tumblr.com/post/171098539627/married-on-first-sight-au-a-is-a-very-lonely

“What kind of a spouse you are searching for?”

Richard shifted, fidgeting in the chair as he tried to ignore the cameras around him and concentrate on the interview. “Calm and someone who knows what they want. I’m always going and doing several things at the same time so someone who can accept that would be ideal.” He said after a moment, smiling at the therapist asking the question.

“...and what kind of values should the person have?”

“Ah… well, I personally believe that life should be lived now and not in thirty years, if you know what I mean?” He chuckled, smiling as he continued to talk about his preferences: “Family values are important. I would like to start a family and have children of my own someday. And I am very honest person so my future spouse should also be honest and talk freely what they have on their mind.”

“Why are you looking for a long relationship right now?”

“I was in a long relationship that ended few years ago. After that I haven’t really felt like I was ready for a one until now. Lately, everyone around me seems to have their own families and having babies. I feel like it’s been long enough since my last serious relationship to start something new with someone.”

“It is important to have some time for oneself after a long relationship. What has being single taught you about yourself?”

Now this was a question Richard found difficult to answer to. What being single had taught him? He frowned and took his time before answered with a smile, “I guess I learned to enjoy the quiet atmosphere at home? I found that the quietness that before was suffocating is now an inspiration for my music and writing.” He paused for a moment to gather his thoughts. “We were young when we got together with my ex and I think now after the break up and these years that I’ve been single, I have found out more about myself, to which direction I want to go with my life, you know.”

“What kind of partnership within the relationship you wish to have?"

“Equal and relaxed,” Richard answered easily, “like sharing the housework between us just have relaxing time. I’d like us to become good friends and not just a married couple, you know. For us to share some hobby or interests and enjoy those together.”

“How would you describe a safe relationship?”

“Safe relationship? – honest and truthful. Trust each others’ word and respect their choices. It’s something where one can be themselves without needing to worry or be scared.”

“That is a very good answer. Good luck with the process.”

“Thank you,” Richard thanked and stood up from the comfortable chair he had been sitting on during the talk. Wiping sweaty hands on his pants he nodded thanks to the crew on his way out and sighed; Till would be dead if he was actually chosen.

Pulling on a jacket, he stepped out of the studio, walking in the breeze towards the closest train station. It was four years since his relationship had ended with Lena. He had fallen into depression after the break up, it had not been easy for him to throw away ten years of relationship and marriage. He thought he had loved Lena until the divorce but after some years he had came to the conclusion that maybe they had just both drifted away from each other. After a year of partying and trying to drown his sorrows, Richard had sobered up and gotten his life back on track. He had graduated from the university the next year, his friends were there to cheer him along his family. Sometime after, he had landed a job at marketing office, nothing fancy but pay was enough to survive.

Loud ringing and vibrating distracted him from the thoughts that had surfaced at the interview. He glanced his phone and sighed, swiping right to answer with, “Hey fucktard,” just to have his best friend’s loud laughter through the receiver.

“Hey Kruspe. How did it go?”

“I was there for four hours filling questionnaire after another and face-to-face interviews after another. There was a priest and some relationship coach and psychotherapist. I suppose they let me know if I was chosen”

“Oh shit, that must have been tedious but were the ladies there too today? Any hot pieces?”

“Till! No.” Richard laughed, shaking his head although his friend couldn’t see it through the call. “There were just men today. I think they interviewed the women some other day. I mean, it makes sense to so that we cannot talk and meet before the altar.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right. They didn’t say anything about the schedule? Should we start planning bachelor party soon?”

“They said the wedding is in end of May or beginning of June. And they inform couple months earlier? I think they said something like that, I wasn’t really listening after all those papers to fill,” Richard admitted, cursing lowly as he slipped on the icy steps to underground. “It was so weird though. I can’t believe I did it.”

“You’re more social that you let yourself be, Reesh,” Till reminded him over the phone. “And you’ve been lonely. I think this is a good chance to meet someone and the professionals take time to find someone that is suitable. No more bad hook ups.”

“I know,” Richard sighed, watching a group of girls giggling and playing around as they waited for the train to arrive. “It’s just it is so big step, you know? I have to trust them and you know that I don’t trust people easily.”

“… and that’s why this is good for you,” Till countered. “You have always trusted professionals, the trust issues are with people, not with professionals. I’m sure they screened your initial questionnaire before asking you there for the interviews today. They’re taking care of you. I admit is was a dare from my side at the new years but now I really think this is good for you, Richard. Really, I hope they choose you and you get some lovely lady to spend your life with.”

“Thanks, Till – but really, this is scaring the shit out of me!”

“I know, I’ll come over tonight if you want and we’ll have some beer and watch some football, okay?”

“Bring some pizza along when you come over.” Richard sighed and ended the call just as the boarded the train to head home.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

The next month passed by in instance, Richard was busy with a new marketing deal their office had landed and he had almost forgotten the interviews on a cold February Saturday. He had just reached home as his phone rang, signaling a video call from unknown number. Hesitating for a moment he answered but without the video, “Kruspe speaking”

“Richard Kruspe? This is Marlene from Married At the First Sight.”

The words stunned him, jacket hanging half off his shoulders as the words penetrated his mind, “Ah.. ah! Yes, this is Richard,” he managed to say after a while. “Just a moment.” He continued and placed the phone on floor as he quickly shed outdoor clothes and shoes. Taking the phone again he fumbled with it for a moment to open the video call feature as he saw down on his kitchen table.

“Hey! I can see and hear you,” Marlene said with a friendly smile and a small wave.

“Hi, I can see and hear you too.”

“I’m sure you already guessed the purpose of my call,” Marlene said, smiling widely at the camera, “we found you a suitable bride. You’re getting married in May”

Richard felt like thousand bricks had fell on him at that moment. He started to laugh uncontrollably, happy but so scared about the future. “That’s… that’s good news! So – I’m.. I’m getting married”

“Congratulations,” she said softly before explained some details about meeting up before the wedding and how he still had a choice to leave the show if he wished. They went over the details about the ceremony and how many guests were allowed and about the mental support the couple would receive together and alone if he chose to go through with this.

Richard nodded at her words, trying hard to concentrate on them and not at the fact that he was getting married to someone who he had never even seen before. “Thank you, I’ll make sure to read them through,” he said, finalizing the call with a small smile.

The phone was tossed on the kitchen table as Richard dropped his gaze to stare at his hands; imaging a wedding band once more gracing his right ring finger. He touched the soft skin, stroking in as his thoughts moved to his yet unknown bride. Would she be blond or brunette – does it actually matter? Short or tall, slim or heavier?

With a trembling hand he reached for his phone again, speed dialing to his best friend to call him over.

“They called,” Richard said at the moment he let Till in his apartment.

“Yeah?” the other questioned, toeing off his shoes and hanging his jacket on the hook before walking into the living room. “What did they say?”

Richard bit down on his lip, gnawing it for a moment. “I’m getting married,” he breathed after a moment, unable to meet his best friend’s gaze.

“What?!” Till roared, pulling Richard in bone-crushing hug. “I’m so happy for you! Way to go man. But.. you really don’t know anything about her?” he asked, pulling back enough to look at the other but leaving his hands on Richard’s shoulders.

“I know nothing, not even a name” he said, shrugging little. He couldn’t believe this was really happening, “I’m getting married in May – the last Saturday of May.”

“That’s… I’m so happy for you.” Till grinned, hugging him again before moving to lounge of his couch. “I never believed you’d have it in you to participate but now, I’m really glad you submitted it. I hope she’s good for you and that she’s hot.”

“Yeah, me too… I had to fill in some qualifications, you know? But I made it quite vague as does it really matter what color their hair is? Would be better if her face was to my liking though. I mean, they expect us to move in together too. I can’t imagine waking up every day next to an ugly person.”

“That’s be hilarious!” Till snickered, “to see your face at the altar if the lady would be all old hag.”

“Fuck off, you’re not invited.”

“I’m your bestman.”

“ – yeah, unfortunately.” Richard gave in, plopping down to the couch next to his friend. “But still, I hope she’s suitable. I want to trust the professionals with this. And if it doesn’t work out, we just divorce at the end of the program. The filming takes half a year and then we need to choose what to do with the marriage.”

“That is so weird though. I mean, you don’t even know her and just marry and then hope for the best. I always thought it wasn’t a real marriage, like not binding and you could just end it by saying nope and leave. But to go through an actual divorce, that’s something.”

“Yeah, I thought so too but it is an actual, binding, lawful marriage and if we want to break it, we need to file the divorce. Obviously, they will cover the costs but still.” Richard shrugged, pursing his lips. “They’re coming here to film two weeks before the wedding, like do some interview and check that I’m still ready to go through this.”

“That’s… wait.. less than two months away. That’s almost terrifying.” Till chuckled, slapping Richard’s knee in mirth. “Time to work out and get you all handsome.”

“I’m just fine like this, thank you,” Richard said, rolling his eyes at his best friend. “What I need to do, is to gather the courage to tell to my family and few other friends.”

“That will be interesting. Have you been talking to your parents lately or your brother?”

“Not much but we never were that close. I think I just call them and invite them to the wedding. I know they wanted me to find someone new after the divorce. Mom wants a grandchild already.”

“It’s the age, it’s the age man.” Till grinned. “I want be here if you want when you call? For a support.”

“Thanks Till but I think I need to do this alone,” Richard said, patting his friend’s knee gently before squeezing the muscle right on top of it. “It was my decision to join the program so I should be the one explaining it to them.”

“Yeah well, good luck with that.” Till hummed, standing up. “I have to go to work now but congrats again and you can count of me to plan and make the best bachelor party you’ve ever attended”

“I have no doubts about that” Richard laughed freely and hugged his friend again. “Thanks, really. See you”

“Enjoy your freedom while you can” Till winked and left with a cackle and loud laughter, leaving Richard stand stunned in his hallway.


	2. A bachelor party, homemade booze, and one Landers

The pretty May afternoon was slowly turning into an evening when he reached the destination: an ancient, ramshackle cottage in the middle of nowhere. It had taken ages to get there, as he had taken “shortcuts” suggested by the GPS, leading him to several dead ends - but finally, he was here. He stopped the car and hoped it wouldn’t get stuck in the muddy yard.

“Landers, we have a job for you this weekend,” the producer had announced enthusiastically only a couple of days earlier.

“Ok, can you tell me more about it?”

“This season, we want to create more _personality_ for the people who are attending the show.”

Paul raised an eyebrow for the vague answer. “Carry on.”

“So, I’m asking you to go to this…” The producer stopped and browsed his papers on the desk. “Richard…ummm Kruspe’s bachelor party to film it and interview the guy a bit so the audience would relate to him before he goes to the altar.”

_Do I even have any choice? _“Yeah…sure.” It couldn’t be so bad if this Kruspe wasn’t a complete lunatic or something - he had passed the psychological tests so it should be fine.

The producer stood up from his chair and patted his cameraman’s shoulder. “I’ve always known I can trust you, Landers. Let’s make this one hell of a show,” he said and winked. “And let’s not forget the drama. The viewers love it so we should give them what they want. The viewer ratings must explode this season!”

So here he was, the cameraman Paul Landers, in the middle of nowhere - he wasn’t sure, had the channel even bothered to inform the groom and his friends that their party was going to be filmed. _Oh, well, it’s not my fault. _Taking his camera gear he checked one more time that the address was correct and proceeded to the cottage.

Paul knocked on the door, but it was no use - he could hear loud dubstep music playing from inside so the party seemed to be going on already.

As he hesitantly opened the squeaky door and stepped in, the first thing Paul saw was a slender, tall man in a golden suit, dancing his ass off. He seemed like he had forgotten the space and time and was just concentrating on his physical finesse.

“Umm, hallo?” Paul tried to greet the odd man - wondering, was this the groom - but with no response. He didn’t dare to poke the dancer so instead, he kept searching for someone to whom he could explain what he was doing there. He was slightly embarrassed to intrude someone’s cottage but at least he was thankful that there hadn’t been angry guard dogs or burglar alarms welcoming him.

In the kitchen he saw three guys: one of them was playing with a knife, poking the gaps between his fingers on the table with it while the other two kept staring at his activity. The tight room - which resembled more a closet - was full of junk, including shattered wine glasses and empty beer bottles.

_Where the hell have I come?_

That question was soon going to be answered when the guy with the knife spotted him standing by the door. “Ah, guten Abend!” he exclaimed, standing up and then Paul saw how huge he really was, resembling a bodybuilder - luckily, he had left his knife on the table. “Herzlichen willkommen!”

The two other men were staring at the intruder in curiosity as the knife guy turned his back, looking for something.

“Take a seat,” a man with dark hair and mustache sitting by the table commanded. Paul didn’t dare to say anything back, so he just left his camera gear by the door and sat down with the incognito guys.

It was pretty awkward by the table when none of them spoke anything to each other. Paul thanked God when the big guy finally turned on them. “For our special guest,” he announced ceremonially and handed Paul a glass of a rosé colored liquid. “Prost!”

“Prost,” Paul murmured and took a sip from the drink. He almost spat it out - it tasted horrendous like somebody had left a bucket full of apples in the garage for two years to rot. _What on earth, are they trying to poison me?_ He felt like his throat was in flames but as a polite man, he didn’t dare to gag.

When the man with mustache saw Paul’s grimacing, he leaned closer and whispered: “I know it’s horrible but try to act you like it.” He gestured at the guy who had handed the glass. “Till here is very sensitive about his home wine which he thinks it’s the best in the universe.”

“Thanks for letting me know,” Paul managed to say.

The guy offered his hand. “Christoph Schneider. And you are?”

“Paul Landers, nice to meet you.”

“Strange…”

“What?”

“Till didn’t mention that any Paul was coming here. How do you know Richard, are you his colleague?”

“No, no.” Paul felt a hot rush on his cheeks - he had been so confused about all of this that he had completely forgotten to introduce himself. “I’m from the ‘Married At the First Sight’ team, doing my job here.”

The other man - who had been silent for the whole time - next to Schneider got interested. “Why are you here, is the ceremony going to be hold now or what is going on?”

Paul chuckled. “Of course not, I was sent here to film your party a bit and interview the groom.”

Everyone in the room went silent and Paul’s worst fears came true. _Damn, so it seems like they weren’t told about this in advance, how great._ “I-if it’s okay for you, o-of course…”

“Das ist wunderbar!” the big guy opened his mouth after listening to the discussion curiously. He leaned closer and put his hand - which was more like a paw of a grizzly bear - on Paul’s shoulder. “I’m Till Lindemann, the bestman of our lovely dear Reesh, who is finally getting married!”

“Yeah, nice to meet you too…” Paul gulped and tried to calm down. This Till made him insecure with his overconfident presence only. “Which one of you is Richard then?”

“Richard is not here yet,” Till said and pointed at the guys at the table. “Only me, Oliver, and Schneider.”

“He’s supposed to come soon, but as usual, it’s taking him forever to dress up and to perfect his make-up,” Oliver said with a tiny grin and Schneider chuckled.

_Make-up? _Paul couldn’t help the intuition that this guy was not going to be a stereotypical German man. The producer’s words of “adding drama” were echoing in his head. “Okay, but just to make sure, it was not the guy dancing in the entrance?”

They all laughed. “No, it was Flake. He just gets into his trance when he’s dancing,” Schneider said. “At least, he didn’t take that freaking treadmill with him this time…”

_Did I hear correctly? A treadmill? What on earth… _Paul was sure that he’d get some interesting material tonight from this group. He hadn’t been there even an hour yet and it already seemed so bizarre.

While being busy with chatting, playing cards, and drinking - and Paul trying his best to compliment Till’s awful home wine as the last thing he wanted was to upset him - they didn’t notice at first that the groom had finally arrived.

“Es tut mir leid, but have I missed something?” he grunted and moved his gaze to the man he had never seen before.

Standing up immediately, Paul looked at Richard who he was supposed to film through the whole season of the reality show. “Hallo!” he exclaimed with a high-pitched voice that sounded like a voice mutation.

Paul didn’t know whether he was supposed to laugh or cry when he scrutinized the groom from head to toe. Richard had definitely put effort into his looks: his spiky black hair looked neat and his friends hadn’t lied: he was, indeed, wearing heavy eyeliner and eyeshadow, contrasting his blue eyes. But what was the most hilarious for Paul was the clothing, especially the shirt - he had never seen anything like that before, especially not worn by a man. The shirt was tight, showing his belly button and the sleeves broadening to the ends - and as a cherry on top, there were flowers and butterflies on it, with all of the colors of the rainbow and beyond. The guy looked extremely cheesy as his appearance didn’t match up to his clothing at all - he was like a fucked-up gothic hippie from a Tim Burton meets Hair mash-up movie.

“That’s a good one,” Paul said, his voice trembling from holding back a burst of laughter.

“What?” Richard asked.

“That…that shirt…very brilliant idea indeed.” Paul couldn’t hold it anymore - he cracked up completely and didn’t notice that the others remained silent when his giggling filled the room.

Confusion was dawning on Till’s face. “Umm, what do you mean with ‘a good one’ exactly?”

Wiping tears from his eyes, Paul tried his best to calm down so he could speak. “I have never seen a bachelor party costume like that. Very… very funny. Where are you going tonight? Do you have a hippie meets gothic theme party in a local bar or something?”

The guys by the table looked at each other for a second. “We are not going anywhere tonight. It’s not a costume, it’s his normal clothing,” Till cleared.

“Oh…” Paul was ashamed of himself. He had been expecting that of course, the groom was going to be embarrassed in public - instead, he had been laughing at his normal look apparently. _Shit. _“I-I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

Richard sat at the table, visibly pouting while his friends were giggling.

“Don’t worry, you’re not the first one to question our Reesh’s fashion sense,” Schneider said teasingly when he saw the horrified face of the cameraman.

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with my fashion sense, you freaking Freddie Mercury impersonator with that ugly mustache!”

“Guys, guys, let it be, let it be,” Till interrupted. “Let’s have another drink now when our groom has finally arrived. The party can start! Vielen Glück für Richard!”

Paul could only wonder, what this “party getting started” meant as the bestman seemed to be drunk enough already. Hesitantly, he sat down to the only free place left next to Richard and didn’t dare to meet his eyes. _How great, I’m supposed to film his intimate moments and I already managed to upset him…_

“I still didn’t get the answer for my question,” Richard said, slowly turning to look at Paul piercingly. “Who the hell are you and where did you come from?”

“Umm, es tut mir leid…” Paul mumbled and offered his hand. “I’m Paul Landers, from the team of ‘Married At the First Sight’. I was sent here by my boss to film your bachelor party and interview you so the viewers will have a clue who you are. To show the best parts, of course.”

Richard looked at the offered hand but didn’t make a move to shake it. “Landers,” he repeated nonchalantly, taking a sip from his drink. “It would have been nice to have a prior warning at least.”

Paul withdrew his hand quickly and concentrated on his drink. “I’m sorry it was my boss’ job to tell.”

_Damn, this was the stupidest idea ever…_

Later in the evening, from his hazy brain and clumsy movements, Paul realized that he had been drinking too much. As his home was too far away for walking, he was now stuck here in the middle of nowhere, with five guys he barely knew. He didn’t dare to ask anyone from the production team to pick him up - he couldn’t stand them mocking about getting drunk while working. _How great, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. _Well, at least this was a chance to get some juicy material for the show as they all had so much alcohol in their blood that they were opening up more easily.

“What are you expecting from this show you have attended?” Paul asked while all of them were sitting by a campfire. He was trying to sound sharp after too many glasses of Till’s home wine - he didn’t want to reveal his drunkness to the audience who would watch the footage.

“To get some great pussy,” Till answered for his friend. “Seriously, this guy is so tight he really needs to get laid. The quicker the better.” He made perverse gestures with his hands, repeating a song he had made up during the evening: “Du hast ein Pussy, ich habe ein Dick, so what’s the problem, let’s do it!”

Richard slapped his friend’s thigh so hard that there was going to be a bruise - on purpose. “Hey, I’m the one getting married here so shut up!” He leaned closer to the cameraman: “Can you cut that stupid song from the footage, just that I don’t want my mom to see it?”

Putting his bear paw around his friend, Till said: “But as we are so close, mein Liebling, don’t forget that technically, I’m also getting married with you.” He kissed Richard on his cheek. “I’m just trying to help you, you should thank me!”

Richard grimaced and shook himself from his friend’s embrace. “I can do perfectly on my own so get out!” He moved to a better place, to answer Paul’s question properly, finally. “Umm, yeah, sorry about that…but yeah, I’m expecting to find somebody who I can trust and who is funny and loyal…whatever you can expect from a good relationship. And it would be a nice bonus if she would be pretty, but that’s not the most important thing, of course.” He had a dreamy look in his eyes - the words made his stomach do flips as he so desperately wanted to find that _someone _with whom he could spend hopefully the rest of his life.

“And what are your thoughts about committing so quickly with somebody you don’t even know yet?”

“I have to admit it’s pretty scary, but somehow, I’m ready for that adventure.” Richard fiddled his empty ring finger, not looking at the camera. Since the day he had gotten the call telling that he was accepted to the show, he’d been worrying about it constantly, despite how much his friends had tried to soothe him. But also, he was excited. “Yeah, I have quite mixed feelings about it,” he stated and raised his head to look at the camera again. “But I’m sure it’s gonna be a great experience. I’m looking forward to meeting my future wife.” _Damn, how weird that sounds._

“Thanks for the interview,” Paul said and started packing his things up. Tonight’s work was done, and he hoped that the team would be happy about the material he had gotten.

“No problem.”

When Paul had finally gotten rid of his camera gear - hiding it to his van as he couldn’t afford it to be ruined - and had come back, Till handed him a new glass of booze without even asking. Seemed like the cameraman was accepted to the group like they were best friends already.

“I was afraid that you had vanished already. Drink with us, the party is far from over!”

Thanking quietly, Paul took the glass - he was glad that in the darkness, nobody saw that he was pouring the alcohol to the ground. But Till wouldn’t have noticed anyway because he seemed to be busy with teasing his best friend - he had found an old guitar somewhere. “Reesh, it’s time to play something for us!”

Richard scratched his head. “I really don’t know, it’s been ages since I’ve played…”

“C’mon, just for the old times’ sake! You’re one hell of a player and a singer as well! Landers, put your camera on, we are going to have a Kruspe show, only tonight!”

Everybody was clapping and shouting encouragements, so eventually, Richard had no other choice than to accept his destiny. “Okay, okay, I’ll do it but only a single song and one condition: Paul promises that he is not filming this, ok?”

Paul raised his hands. ”See, no camera, nothing. I’m only gonna be your listener from now on.”

The audience waited patiently when their performer tuned the horribly out of tune guitar. It wasn’t perfect for Richard’s pedantic ear, but good enough. He cleared his throat. “What do you want to hear?”

On the romantic bonfire, Paul was in the mood for something disgustingly cheesy. “What song would you play for your future wife?”

“I… haven’t thought about it so far yet.”

“Just improvise something,” Paul encouraged. “I bet whatever it will be, it’s gonna be awesome.”

“Okay, but I apologize beforehand being rusty.”

Richard started a simple strumming and his eyes closed, begun singing with a soft voice:

_“I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy._   
_I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need._   
_I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do._   
_I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on._

_A new beginning,_   
_A reason for living,_

_A deeper meaning, yeah._

_I want to stand with you on a mountain._   
_I want to bathe with you in the sea._   
_I want to lay like this forever._   
_Until the sky falls down on me…”_

The enthusiastic audience clapped their hands along with the rhythm and Till tried to mimic the lyrics with his low voice while Paul kept staring at the guitarist, mesmerized. The future groom sang the cheesy 90’s pop song with so much passion and talent that it felt like there was honey pouring from Paul’s ears just by listening to it. His way of pronouncing English was a cherry on top - especially how sharply he highlighted the s’. There was something indescribable charm in the man in general. Secretly, Paul was happy that he was going to spend the next months so close to him.

_Damn, the woman who is gonna have him is so lucky. _Paul startled mentally a bit at the wistful thoughts - maybe he was just too drunk now so the emotional state was able to flow freely.

After the successful performance, despite the craving for an encore, it was enough for Richard. He was exhausted after a long day so he gently half-dragged his tipsy friends - who were now showing their affection to their performer by hugging and mumbling how much they loved him - inside the cottage to sleep.

Coming back, Richard sighed and sat down on the bench around the campfire. There was still an ember so it had to be watched over - it wouldn’t be a very pleasant surprise to see the whole place been burnt down in the morning.

Paul was also there and they both kept staring at the leftovers of the bonfire.

“Sorry for being an ass earlier,” Richard said, breaking the silence. “I was just a bit confused when you arrived and nobody had said anything in advance.”

“It’s fine, I should have informed you myself,” Paul said, making a gesture with his hand. “And sorry for mocking your shirt, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Well, it’s not the first time somebody mocks my fashion sense, but I really don’t care about it anymore.” Richard smiled. “So, you know about me a lot already but I’m curious: what are your thoughts about this whole show?”

Paul was surprised by the question - usually, the participants weren’t interested in him. “Well, I think it’s an interesting concept… and I’m completely sure you’ll be doing fine. Just remember to have fun. It’s once in a lifetime experience.”

“Are you in a relationship and if you had a chance would you participate yourself?” Richard asked and blushed immediately a bit when he realized that it was perhaps a bit too personal question. “Sorry, it wasn’t meant to be like that… you don’t have to answer.”

“It’s totally fine, it’s not a secret that I’m a single nowadays,” Paul stated and wondered for a while how to reply. “But yeah, I’m not sure if I’d participate myself. I’ve seen so much through my work already: happy couples and couples who don’t match at all, so I don’t know what to think. Perhaps, I’d give it a try. Just for the adventure as you said earlier.”

“I keep thinking that am I already a lost cause, a lonely man in his thirties, desperately seeking for somebody, ending up trying to find a match from a reality tv show…” Richard shook his head. “I sometimes feel like a failure.”

Paul looked at Richard, his face barely visible in the darkness. “At least how much I know about you already, you are far from being a failure. And you seem to have supportive friends around you which shouldn’t be taken self-evident.” Paul felt a clutch in his stomach when he had said that - he didn’t want to say it out loud that besides his work and cat, he didn’t have much of a social life.

“Yeah, even though they are sometimes annoying, especially when they are drunk. I apologize for Till again, he is just so excited and nervous about all of this that he is making a jerk of himself.”

They both chuckled. “It’s totally fine, I had a good time tonight. To be honest, I don’t even remember when was the last time I had this much fun. I forgot that I was supposed to work here,” Paul said.

“I’m glad you came,” Richard said and they both stared at each other for a while.

Before the atmosphere would have a chance of getting too awkward, Paul cleared his throat. “Well, maybe it’s time for me to go to sleep finally.” He stood up and stretched. “Gute Nacht. I have to leave early the next morning so we’ll see the latest in the church, in your big moment.”

Richard stood up as well and unexpectedly, hugged Paul. “Gute Nacht und schlaf gut. We’ll see soon again. Thank you for everything.”

“Thanks to you too,” Paul said, a hot fuss rushing on his cheeks. “It was nice to get to know you all. And good luck with the wedding.”

“Danke,” Richard replied and sat back on the bench, watching Paul’s back heading for the van.


	3. The prequel of the wedding, who knew choosing a suit was this hard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the rather short chapter. I hope you like it anyways :)

Richard felt glad that he had stayed off Till’s wine for most part of the night before as he seemed to be the only one without a bounding headache in the cabin. He stepped around the small kitchen as he fried some eggs and made some coffee for everyone. He had been surprised about the sudden visit of the camera man, that’s for sure but he couldn’t say it was too bad in the end. The guy seemed nice enough to work with and he managed to forget the jitters of getting married to an unknown woman while talking with the man.

The rest of the day passed by fast and soon Richard was back in his daily schedule of work and work some more. Three days before the wedding the producer showed up with Paul behind his door announcing that it was time to find a suit and a jewelry present for the wife but first, he was to write a letter to her.

Richard invited them to his house and took a seat at the couch. “A letter, eh? I don’t know what to write” He chuckled awkwardly, fiddling with the pen as he looked at the two.

“It will be given to her just before the wedding. Maybe think what you would like to read in that situation and write that? Her name is Emma.”

“Emma? A pretty name,” Richard mused, sending a quick smile to them as he started to write.

_Dear Emma, _

_We will meet soon and I hope I won’t disappoint you. _

_I will do my best to get to know you and make this marriage to work. _

_I’m nervous but I’m guessing you are too? Together, we can step_

_into this marriage and make the best of it hopefully for a long time. _

_See you soon, I’ll be waiting at the front,_

_your soon-to-be-husband_

_Richard _

He folded the paper neatly in half and slid it in an envelope before giving it to Marlene. “There. Should we go and try out the suits now?”

“Thank you,” Marlene said, standing up. “We will be renting the suit for the occasion so you don’t have to worry about buying the suit unless you want to. For the jewelry, there is a gold smith with whom we have a contract and you can choose from few different models. They will wrap it up for you.”

“Oh, okay great. So let me just take a trip to bathroom and we’re ready to go,” Richard said as he stood up. He wanted to ignore the way he felt someone staring but couldn’t resist to glance towards the living room as he stepped inside the bathroom, locking eyes with Paul for a mere second.

Taking his time, Richard thought about the cameraman, his presence was unnerving to some extend. The time they spend together at the camp fire during his bachelor party suddenly came to his mind, the stories and talks they had there haunting him. There was something in those deep eyes when Paul looked at him, something that Richard couldn’t pinpoint it and it made him nervous.

Taking time to wash his hands, Richard stared himself from the mirror and took in the tired look. With the wedding date drawing closer the hours he slept had grown smaller. The anxiety of the whole thing started to build up and his insomnia had came back after several years. Sighing he splashed some water on his face before padding it dry and added some lotion. Glancing once more at the mirror he smiled at himself encouragingly and left the bathroom. “Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go!”

Richard met with Till and Oliver at the rental store. He never thought that choosing a suit would be this difficult and stressful until he tried on the third suit ensemble of the day. “I don’t like this one either.” He sighed, turning around. “I though girls have it difficult for choosing a dress”

“You’re the same, Reesh!” Till hollered, laughing loudly. “Might as well call yourself a princess Reesh”

“Oh fuck off!” Richard spat out, forgetting the camera for a moment before suddenly realizing it when Paul snickered at the side. “Oh fuck, cut his off, please? It can’t be shown,” he begged, looking directly at Paul and ignoring the way his friends were now almost falling off the couch as they laughed.

“Okay, okay. I’ll tell the editor,” Paul said with a glint in his eyes.

“No, you delete it right now and record on top. I know these new cameras let you do it,” Richard said, almost stomping to the camera to natch it from Paul’s hands.

Paul stared at him and stepped back. “Relax, no need to lose your pants over it. I’ll delete it.” He sighed and did just that, showing the clip to Richard. “Happy?”

“No but it’s okay,” Richard said and kicked Till’s leg on the way to the clothing rack. He touched the black garments, none of them talked to him. “Is there a suit that has some decoration, like some pattern?” he asked, turning to the owner of the shop. “I’ll choose from these if there isn’t but I mean something like embossed flower details black on black or similar.”

“There are few. I didn’t bring them as people don’t usually want those but I will go and check if there is any available on your size” The shopkeeper smiled and told them to wait for a moment as she went to look for the suit.

“I think the flowers would fit you, Reesh,” Oliver said. “Don’t you like roses? It would be unique too.”

“Yeah, roses are great.” Richard nodded. “I mean these are nice but I guess if there isn’t I have to choose from these. Which one you think is best?”

“The second one, with the frilly shirt, definitely,” Till said. “With some eyeliner and your usual, it’ll make you look like vampire.”

“Not sure if I want to look like vampire at my wedding, Till.” Richard sighed, rolling his eyes at the other. “But I liked the second the best out of these anyways. I’ll go with that unless there is a flower one.”

Soon the owner came back with a suit jacket that had fine details of roses embossed on the velvet. “This is too small for you but our other store has it your size. If you like this, we can book it for you there. The blazer is a single piece, usually worn with plain black trousers and black vest underneath.”

“Wow, that’s totally your style!” Till exclaimed as he saw the piece.

“Yeah, I think so too,” Oliver echoed, looking at it.

Richard looked at his friends before taking the blazer and looked at it closely. It was surely too small to try on but he held it against his chest and looked himself from the mirror. It was such a pretty piece and just his style. Smiling widely he handed it back to the owner. “I love this one. Where did you say your other store was?”

“It’s about half an hour drive from here. There is train station near by as well,” she said, handing him another jacket. “This is the same form and style, try it on to see how the styling looks on you. If you still want that, I’ll call them to have it ready for collect.”

Richard hummed and accepted the jacket. Trying it on he nodded, looking at himself from the mirror from all angles. “I like it, I’ll take that. I’ll go and collect it tomorrow, I think.”

“That’s fine. I’ll tell them to have the trousers and shirt ready for it as well. You can still change the shirt when you’ll pick them up.”

“Okay great, let’s do that,” Richard agreed and quickly changed into his own clothes. The friends decided to eat dinner together before separating with a promises to meet early on Saturday morning for the wedding preparations.

Saturday came faster than Richard wanted, the last two days had gone in a whirl and if someone asked what he had been doing he couldn’t answer. He had arrived to the venue two hours early and was now waiting at the backroom with his friends. “I can’t do this, I can’t. I-”

“You can and you will, do it,” Till said, hugging his friend. “Just be yourself. You look great in that suit and the make up is great!”

“It’s not too much?” Richard frowned, having put on some thin eyeliner just to emphasize his eyes, he had left the nail polish off. He looked at the mirror on the wall, brushing up his hair once more.

“It’s fine,” Flake said. “You look as great as ever.”

“B-but..”

“No buts, you look great. They picked her for you,” Till said, softer than before. “She should be your good match. Try not to sulk or make a face is her face isn’t what you are looking for.”

“You know I don’t care that much of her face.”

“That they all say.”

“I’m serious,” Richard groaned. “I’m getting married to someone who I don’t know.”

That was the moment when Paul walked in, carrying a small envelope. “Here, for the groom,” he said, smiling as he handed the letter to Richard and took his camera to shoot the man as he read it.

_Hey husband :) _

_I hope you are doing well. I am scared but also excited about meeting_

_you at the altar. This is the biggest jump I have ever made_

_in my life and I hope you can be the one that catches me_

_and makes all the worries worthwhile. _

_I will be the one wearing a white dress_

_See you are the altar, _

_Emma_

Richard smiled as he read the letter, acutely aware that the guys were peering over his shoulders to read it as well. He heard someone cooing and saying that she sounded very cute. While Richard wouldn’t admit it to his friends or the camera, the short letter made his heart beat a bit slower – he wasn’t the only one worried and scared and that felt good. His spouse was having the same feelings and that made it just a little bit better.

Pocketing the letter, Richard took a sip of water. “At least I’m not the only one who is nervous,” he chuckled.

“Anyone would be nervous. I would be shitting under me if I was you,” Flake said, shuddering at the idea.

The friends quieted when a crew member came to tell them it was close and in just less than thirty minuted the ceremony would begin. Till poured them all a shot of liquor and toasted for the groom. “For a long and good marriage to your good friend Reesh.” He smiled and downed the shot, the others following his lead.

“Will you be fine?” Oliver asked, squeezing Richard’s shoulder gently.

“Yeah, I think so.” Richard smiled nervously. “You’ll all wait for me at the other side, right?”

“We’ll be there,” Oliver promised and hugged him again before leaving to take a seat.

Paul turned off the camera for a moment, giving Richard some time to gather himself. “You’ll do great. I’ve been filming this two seasons now, you’re a lot calmer than the groom I was filming at last season.”

Richard just glanced at him quietly.

“I meant it.” Paul smiled, patting Richard’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. You have time to get to know her later this evening. I can’t imagine being in your place but I’m sure you do well. You look great and I’m sure anyone they paired you up with will think the same.”

“Thanks, Paul.” Richard sighed. “I’m not sure if I believe all that but thank you anyways.”

“That’s fine, I’m not offended!” Paul laughed, taking his camera again. “You ready to go and wait at the alter for your wife?”

“Not really,” Richard said at the camera but smiled, “but I’m still excited to see her so I should probably go.”

Paul nodded to him behind the camera and followed Richard at the main room where the friends and families were gathered for this small event. Richard smiled politely at the wife’s side, quickly scanning the faces to try and imagine which ones where the parents and how his future wife would look like.

He swallowed as the marriage official told him to take his place and face her. He nodded, lacing and unlacing his fingers nervously as he stood in place. Soon the pianist started a happy yet slow melody and he turned to look at the side where the lady would be entering the hall. Richard didn’t even realize that he was holding his breath until he saw her emerging behind the corner.


	4. Can you hear the wedding bells chime?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Richard finally gets married, woohoo!

_For fuck’s sake breathe, Richard. Breathe. Alles ist gut… _

Trying his very best, Richard sent soothing thoughts to himself. Just now he realized that this was it, the culmination of the strangest idea in his life: to marry an utter stranger and even weirder, the cameras were capturing all the uncertainty and the awkwardness of the situation. Not exactly his choice of fantasy.

Wiping the sweaty hands on his pants and taking the last breath, Richard was now sure that he couldn’t be more ready than this to face her_, _his future _wife_. He didn’t know what to expect but now the only thing he could do was to openly welcome whatever it was going to happen next.

Like in a cheesy American romantic comedy, a smiling, tall woman with golden hair appeared behind the corner, approaching with firm steps to his soon-to-be husband. It took a couple of seconds for Richard’s brain to realize that this was the woman about whom he didn’t know anything besides those single letters they had exchanged recently - and only in a couple of minutes they would be announced as a husband and a wife.

_Shit, she’s even prettier than I would have imagined. Try to concentrate… don’t say anything stupid._

Emma was so insanely beautiful in her braided hair and white mermaid styled dress that Richard hoped he didn’t look too corny with his eyeliner and a suit with flower embroidery. He hoped that the matchmaking team had chosen wisely because the last thing he wanted was that his wife would be disgusted about his slightly gothic looks.

In his panic, even an exaggerated thought of leaving from here running and screaming, disappearing mysteriously from the whole Germany, came to his mind - but no, of course_,_ he couldn’t do that. He had participated in this by his own will, so he had to deal with the consequences. 

_I can do this. Just stay cool._

The woman was now only inches away from his face and then Richard had to look up as she was taller than him.

“Hallo,” she greeted with a soft voice.

“H-hallo,” Richard managed to stutter back.

The woman chuckled. “So, you must be Richard, my future _husband_.” She put on purpose emphasis on the last word. Taking Richard’s sweaty hand, she said: “I’m Emma.”

“Yeah, that’s me.” Richard gulped and burst out a bit too loud laughter that felt like it echoed in the hall. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Emma, finally. The letter was umm… really sweet.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Emma said and studied his husband closely with her emerald green eyes. It made Richard uncomfortable, but he didn’t dare to step back.

_Okay, she’s perhaps not 100% what I expected, but let’s see, _Richard admitted in his mind. _How can she be so sure about herself?_

After the painfully slow moment, Emma gestured towards the altar finally. “Shall we?”

Richard nodded. The self-confidence and doubtless tone of the lady seemed surreal when Richard himself felt like he was regressing into an 8-year-old, being naked in the middle of the schoolyard, where everybody was inspecting his every move with ruthless curiosity in their eyes.

They stopped in front of the altar arms loosely entwined and the old priest - Richard couldn’t help it but think that how somebody could look exactly like a resurrected corpse - started his speech:

“Richard und Emma, sind Sie freiwillig und bereiten Herzens gekommen, um miteinander die Ehe einzugehen?”

“Ja,” they both replied, Richard’s voice trembling a bit. The priest had asked are they here for free will and are their hearts prepared to receive each other in marriage - for neither, Richard wasn’t totally sure, but he could only meekly agree in this situation.

“Wollen Sie einander lieben und achten und die Treue halten bis dass der Tod euch scheidet?”

A bizarre urge to shout “nein” out loud in front of everyone and then disappear dramatically, with banged doors, forced a little smile forming on Richard’s face. _Focus, for Christ’s sake._

It was just a tv program but still, Richard had a pressure on his chest that he had been attending to something which would confine him for the rest of his life. Of course, he had been going through this a million times in his mind, but now when it was coming true, It was scaring him out of his wits - and it didn’t really help to sense all the inquisitive gazes of the friends and family around them.

_Holy shit, where have I put myself? Is this even real?_

_What will she be expecting from me?_

When it was time for exchanging the rings, with a shaking hand, Richard put the shiny jewel on Emma’s finger - a token that this woman was now his.

_What the hell did I just do?_

“You can kiss now.”

Pressing his dry lips lightly on Emma’s, Richard hoped that she didn’t notice his burning cheeks.

Then they turned, now officially as a husband and a wife. The audience’s exclaims and clapping were deafening. Richard looked at all the people gathered there and saw many familiar faces: all of his best friends, - including of course, Till who was wiping his tears in secret - his grandparents, and his mom. It didn’t surprise him that his stepfather, with whom he hadn’t been talking in ages, hadn’t attended despite the invitation. To be honest, it was a relief that he hadn’t come - for sure, it would have lead to an argument as they hated each other.

When Richard’s eyes caught sight of one particular face he wanted to see he felt a warm rush piercing his body. Paul was beaming behind his camera and for a second, Richard almost managed to forget where he was.

After the bachelor party, Paul had been a frequent visitor to Richard’s imagination. And especially when Richard had a feeling that he would lose his mind because of this blind wedding, he found himself thinking about the cameraman who made him feel safe and calm. It was no question that there was something special in him - Richard hoped that after the formalities, he could go to talk with him, without any cameras.

Paul’s words echoed in his head:_ Just remember to have fun. _

Richard smiled widely when the audience was taking photographs of them. _Maybe I can manage this._

~***~

After too much food, cake, and a clumsy opening dance, the couple wanted to get to know each other - Richard trying his best to not sound too creepy which was surprisingly difficult.

“So, that was a story how I ended up being a mechanical engineer,” Emma said while she had held a lecture about her career choice. She seemed well educated and smart and Richard was a bit ashamed about his dull office job.

Emma felt almost too_ excellent._

Turning her curious eyes to her husband, Emma asked: “Now you know quite much about me already, so tell me something about you, Richard.” She grinned, flashing her white teeth. “Or do you prefer Reesh, was that the name your friends call you with?”

“Yeah, Reesh is fine,” Richard stated and took a sip from his wine glass. He scratched his chin. “What would you like to know? I already told all the boring facts.”

Emma was silent for a while, pondering what she could say. “Tell me something weird.” Then she leaned closer - Richard could tell that she was a girl who craved juicy gossips. “Surprise me.”

Richard gestured at the dancefloor where Flake was on fire dancing with one of the bridesmaids - the slender man had caught her eye. “Maybe you should ask my friends, they are perhaps better at telling you.”

“C’mon, it can’t be that bad,” Emma insisted. She thought that sharing silly facts would soothe his seemingly tense husband a bit. “Just something funny. Anything.”

“Very well then,” Richard leaned back on the uncomfortable chair and let his mind wander to the weirdest corners of himself. “I like animals a lot, so once I had a black pet rat named Lucifer,” he said, a sly grin sporting on his face. “He was my best friend and we slept every night together when I lived in my student flat. In the end, I just got tired of the rat poo so I released him into the forest.”

Emma grimaced. “Eww, that’s so gross!” She shook her head in disbelief. “Promise me that you’ll never bring any filthy rodents to our house!” With a horrified face, she looked at Richard and continued with a serious tone: “If I would have known that my future husband is a fan of rats, I would have thought about it twice to even attend in the first place.”

Richard rolled his eyes. “We can discuss it later.”

“Seriously, no rats or other furry creatures, please.”

“Okay, okay, whatever you say…” _Damn, maybe that was a bit too weird, but you asked it yourself._

After a brief silent moment, when Richard pondered, did he already manage to upset his wife, he asked: “Shall we go dancing?”

“If you don’t have a rat in your pocket then I can consider it,” Emma replied with a look that Richard couldn’t read.

Standing up and offering his hand, Richard said: “I swear to God that I don’t have a rat this time, so would you allow me to offer you a dance?”

To Richard’s relief, Emma took the hand. “Maybe I just can’t say no.” She stood up. “But seriously, no rat talk anymore!”

Richard put his other hand on his chest. “I swear to God that from now on, no rats are involved.”

This time, the dancing was a bit more relaxed as they weren’t the only ones in the spotlight. When they got tired, Emma went to chat with her parents while Richard sat back to their table. He had shaken hands with his mother and father-in-law who seemed academic and a bit frightening in his opinion, so he preferred to be in his own peace now.

Even though the wedding had gone pretty smoothly this far - though the bestman’s speech was still coming, so anything could happen - Richard felt an uneasy feeling in his belly.

Yes, his wife was charming and very clever, quite perfect. Almost too _perfect_ for Richard’s taste, to be honest. He couldn’t help but think, were they actually _meant_ to each other. Where will this end up?

And he had to admit that he hadn’t felt the infamous “love at first sight” when he had met his wife: she was nice, but Richard didn’t know yet, was he ready to commit to her for the rest of his life.

He sighed. _Maybe only time will tell._ _Give her at least a chance._

It was difficult to tell what was Emma’s opinion of her husband. Did she consider him just a weird, almost middle-aged goth, or a credible fiancé?

Emma came back to Richard and apparently, his face told about the inner uncertain thoughts. “Is everything ok?” she asked, a hint of worry in her tone.

“It’s ok, I’m just a bit tired after all of this,” Richard assured and tried to force a smile on his face. “Just… some things came to my mind.”

“Do you want to talk about them?”

Richard was about to answer, but he was interrupted by a clang: it was Till who stood up. “Es tut mir leid,” he said nervously and cleared his throat. “May I have your attention.”

The bestman stepped closer, now being in the middle of the dining hall so everyone could see him.

Richard buried his face in his hands. “How great, I’m not really sure am I ready for this…”

Squeezing her concerned husband’s shoulder gently, Emma said: “Hey, he is your best friend, have some faith in him. Let’s listen to what he is up to.”

“Yeah, if you only knew him…” Richard hoped there wouldn’t be any embarrassing stories about him.

“Hallo,” Till started out shyly - even though he acted self-confident among friends, he had quite a severe stage fright. “My name is Till Lindemann and I’m umm… the bestman of Reesh… I mean Richard… happy to see you all here, umm…” he mumbled and looked at the creased paper in his trembling hands. “We all are here to celebrate my best friend’s, Richard’s funeral… sorry, wedding, of course.” He tried to save himself when the awkward laughter in the background made him even more nervous. Everybody believed it had been an intended joke. “I’m… I’m very happy for you man.” Till’s voice broke a bit and he had to stop to blow his nose. “You… really are a good man. My best friend.” He looked at Richard who had raised his head from his hands, now nodding for Till to carry on.

“Yeah, what was I about to say… aa, yeah, usually these speeches include something funny about the groom, so here it comes.” Till straightened his wide back, now getting more courage when the speech was getting into his favorite topic. “When we met with Reesh in elementary school, my first thought of him was that: ‘Holy shit, what an arrogant _Arschloch_. Better to stay as far as possible from this fellah. He looks like he could kill somebody with his looks only.’” The audience laughed and it gave more confidence for the bestman to carry on. “To be honest, I was just perhaps jealous because he was so gorgeous and all the girls - and actually, boys also - from our class wanted to kiss him. I can tell you, he was very talented with his tongue already back then.” Till winked. “But yeah, one evening when we met in an abandoned house we ended up being friends in the weirdest way possible. It is a funny story indeed.”

And from that moment Richard knew that Till was unstoppable. He just hoped there wouldn’t be any too embarrassing revelations about his “slightly interesting” past which would scare the hell out of Emma and her relatives.

The speech went on and on - 20 minutes already. At least seemed like Till was an entertaining speaker in the opinion of the guests. He had relaxed enough so he didn’t even notice anymore that the time was flying. In some parts, he even managed to improvise jokes.

It was difficult to tell was Emma laughing or crying in tears for a story about Richard losing a bizarre bet - as a result, he’d had to swallow a whole, slimy toad.

_Damn it, now she must be thinking that I have a kink for weird animals or something._

“Yeah, I was sick for days after that,” Richard whispered to Emma bitterly when he remembered that hazy night. Till’s first experimental home wine might have been involved in the incident. “Later, we realized that the disgusting amphibian was actually poisonous.”

“Poor you,” Emma said, wiping tears from her eyes. “But the main thing is that you are still alive after all.”

When the endless collection of funny stories eventually ended, Till looked at his friend with gentle eyes.

“Even though how much I enjoy bantering you and could tell embarrassing facts about you Reesh for the rest of the evening, I… can’t explain the importance of our friendship in any words,” he said and sniffed. “Reesh, I truly love you and… I’m so happy for you man. May your life with your new wife be full of love - you truly deserve it after all these years.”

Till raised his glass. “I’m now asking you all to stand up and toast for the newly wedded couple.

‘May you live as long as you like and love as long as you live.’

Alles gut für Richard und Emma! Prost!”

“Prost,” the groom and the bride exclaimed and kissed - Richard hoping that it didn’t look too forced.

~***~

The atmosphere was getting more relaxed later in the evening as most of the conservative old guests had already gone to sleep, making space for the friends of the couple to express themselves more freely - best of all, not being constantly worried about swearing out loud.

“I’ll be back soon,” Richard said to his wife who was busy with gossiping with the bridesmaids. He was relieved to finally have a chance to sneak out - having a smoke after a hectic day was more than welcome.

It was already dark outside and pleasantly quiet. Richard remained under an outdoor lamp, admiring the beautiful landscape. Even though he couldn’t see the vivid colors of nature anymore, he sensed from the scents and the overall atmosphere that summer was right behind the corner. Muffled sounds of mooing of cows could be heard from the distance - a true cliché Bavarian countryside setting.

All kinds of thoughts were revolving freely in his head when he had a chance to ponder them in serenity. What he had experienced at the beginning of this year was something he could have never imagined - and now when the finale had been reached, he wasn’t sure what to think.

Richard wondered the concept of marriage - which was quite absurd when you actually thought about it: in front of the law, he was now in a legit relationship with a person who he barely knew while a couple who would have been together for decades, but not married, weren’t regarded as “an official couple” in papers. The rules of the society, which people usually tended to take as self-evident, didn’t always make sense.

A dry laugh escaped from his throat: what a weird adventure this all has been. After this, he could perhaps relate to the people in the countries with arranged marriages. Same time, this concept was exciting, but also, a bit disturbing.

Giving a sigh, Richard dug out a cigarette - his savior - from his pocket and when he patted the other side, hoping to find something to lit it up with, he realized he had left the lighter somewhere, most probably inside. _Shit._

Now, when he finally had a chance for an introvert moment, he didn’t want to head back immediately as it meant the continuation of socializing. Instead, he preferred to stare at the darkness, chewing a non-lit cigarette in his mouth, hoping that nobody would see him.

But his plans were interrupted when suddenly, a lighter appeared in front of him.

“Missing something?” a cheerful voice asked, like reading Richard’s thoughts.

At first, Richard startled a bit, but when he turned and saw who was speaking he relaxed. “Yes please,” he replied taking the lighter from the familiar man.

Richard lit up the cigarette and sucked in the bitter taste - the nicotine invading his body felt heavenly. “How’s it going?”

Paul looked at the distance. Only half of his face was visible in the dim lighting, so Richard couldn’t read his expressions properly. “I’m ok, just a long day, lots of filming,” he replied. “I really had to escape from my colleagues. They are so freaking annoying when they get too wasted.”

When he turned, Richard finally saw that he was genuinely smiling. “But I’m not the interesting one here as it’s actually your big day. I haven’t had a chance to congratulate you yet.” Unexpectedly, Paul took Richard’s hand and squeezed it. “Congratulations man, I’m so happy for you!”

“Danke,” Richard whispered. The warmth of Paul’s touch felt lovely so even though holding hands was a bit odd, he didn’t want to withdraw immediately. “In the cameraman’s view, how has it gone? Have I been entertaining enough, but not too embarrassing?”

Paul chuckled. “You have been perfect,” he said and looked straight at Richard with glimmering eyes. “But what else could you expect from a perfect person like you?” There was honey in his voice. “Actually, the whole day I was hoping to meet you and I was more than happy to find you here.”

They were quiet for a moment and when Paul realized how weird his words must have sounded, he felt a hot rush on his cheeks. “I-I mean that you have been perfect for the show.” _Damn it, why can’t you just think before you burst out something! _“A-and it was delightful to meet you as I was a bit bored to spend time with my co-workers who I see every day,” he said, trying to save himself.

“It’s totally fine,” Richard assured and smiled. “I’m happy to see you too, it’s been quite a day.”

Feeling too shy to look at the other man, Paul moved his gaze, now being busy with studying Richard’s shoes. To be honest, after the bachelor party, the discussions and fun they had there, he had noticed that his mind was constantly drifting to Richard. He had rationalized that maybe he was just lonely and when at least once in his life he had been having a good time with friendly people, it had made a strong impact on him.

Paul didn’t really know what was so attractive in this man that he had to think about him constantly. Usually, when he was filming a couple he didn’t have any trouble forgetting them after the work was done, but not in this case. Richard Kruspe was somehow special - and the most fascinating person Paul had met during his career in reality tv.

When Paul dared to turn his eyes back to Richard, he almost startled when he realized that the other man had stared at him this whole time. It was so awkward that Paul couldn’t do anything besides opening and closing his mouth in embarrassment.

_Verdammt, he must be thinking that I’m a weirdo now, admiring a newly-wed guy… shit._

It was Richard who broke the silence: “Okay, I apologize beforehand as this may sound… a bit odd.” He shook his head and gave a laugh. “Maybe I have drunken too much of that damn champagne when things like this come to my mind…”

Paul raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t take this wrong, but I just now realized that…” Richard started and scratched the nape of his neck, looking at Paul slightly amused and embarrassed. “That your eyes are… really… umm… pretty.” He moved his gaze to his shoes. “I… have never seen a color like that. Fascinating. It’s like deep ocean or something.”

“W-what?” Paul stuttered and held his breath for a moment. _Is he mocking me or why is he turning so poetic out of nowhere?_

Richard stepped back. “I, I d-didn’t mean it like that… just aesthetically, I meant…” He waved his hands in panic. “Sorry, I-I don’t know what I was thinking. Forget the whole thing.”

“I guess that was a nice compliment so, umm… thanks,” Paul said and gave a nervous laugh.

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot since we met at the party. I’m happy that it is you who is my cameraman,” Richard burst out in his stress. “So, umm… thanks for being here tonight. It’s been a bit nerve-wracking day, but thinking about your presence only has made it easier, to be honest.”

Paul gulped. “Actually… I usually don’t even mind about the participants outside work but… you have made an impact on me. For the first time in my whole career.”

They stared at each other for a second. “Now I almost wished it was you with whom I would have been married at the first sight,” Richard blurted the Freudian slip which wasn’t meant to be said out loud. He tried to make it sound like a joke, but his voice was a bit too serious.

“That would have ruined the whole concept as you know me already,” Paul stated and flashed a shy smile.

They both laughed and looked at each other. “Honestly, I’m just so happy that you are here with me tonight,” Richard said and put his arm around Paul.

At the same time enjoying and being absolutely horrified about the embrace, Paul felt a bit dizzy. _Damn, don’t you dare to form a crush on him_… he cursed in his mind.


	5. Bonding over abstract art and ditching Abba for greater good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm truly sorry this took so long to update. Life's been bitch and the Holidays kept me much more busy than I thought. And secondly, I'm sorry it's so short and nothing much seems to happen again, I didn't mean this to be a filler but sometimes it happens.

Paul took a shaky breath as Richard embraced him so casually. This wasn’t what he was looking for when he followed the groom outside. Sure, his thoughts had been on the man for the whole day like he had told the other but the sudden friendliness – closeness felt somehow out of place.

“Well, I should get back inside and pack up everything. It is time for us to wrap the filming and leave you guys enjoy the rest of the night,” Paul said as he stepped away. “There will be two of us following you through your honeymoon in Stockholm. We will meet at the airport well before the flight. The organizer will be there as well with your tickets.”

“Oh..o-okay.” Richard sighed, stumping his cigarette. “I guess you’re right, it is getting late.” He chuckled and turned to look at the cameraman. “I can’t believe we’re going to Stockholm, Vienna is better or even Frankfurt or something.”

“Ah, you’ve been there?”

“Nah.” Richard laughed. “I googled, it looks boring.”

Paul laughed freely at the other’s words. “I thought this season was going to be boring but I’ve already been proven wrong,” Paul said, looking at the other closely. “Well, I’m going. See you in few days.” With a small wave he stepped indoors.

The rest of the reception was uneventful. The stress of the day catching up with him after midnight, forcing a huge yawn. He glanced at the clock and turned to his new wife, “I think it’s time for me to retire for the night. How about you?”

Emma looked at him closely, noticing his tired eyes and nodded. “I’m the same actually.” She chuckled as she reached for her pouch. “Let’s go then. I need a long hot shower.”

“We’re leaving,” Richard said loudly over the music to get everyone’s attention. “Thank you for joining us today and staying until now. I think you can still continue here but we’re going to leave.” He blushed at the loud cheering from Till. “It’s been a stressful day for us,” Richard defended and took Emma’s hand, “Thank you again.”

The suite they were given was great, chilled champagne and fresh strawberries waited them on the small table with a congratulation card.

“You can take the shower first,” Richard said, looking forward some time alone with his thoughts.

“Yeah sure but.. can you help me with the dress? There’s a clasp and I can’t reach it myself.” Emma smiled bashfully, lifting her hair away as she turned.

Richard hummed and carefully helped her to open the dress. He was careful of not to see too much and turned away as Emma gathered some clothes to change into.

“You’re shy,” she noted as she stepped into the bathroom. “We’re married now, you’ll be seeing much more than my underwear.”

Richard twisted around to look at her, the boldness taking him by surprise. He caught the teasing smirk on her lips before she closed the door. It wasn’t like she was wrong, they were married now but somehow the whole idea about intimacy had slipped from his mind. Emma looked pretty and nice, not too fat or anything but maybe it was the situation? He didn’t know her and whilst he had few one-night stands in university, after graduation he had been much more relationship orientated.

He decided that it would be something they should talk about quite soon. The pace of their relationship and if they were going to live together or separate. He glanced at the closed bathroom door and sighed, the entity of the situation crashing down on him.

The wedding night passed a lot differently than Richard had imagined his wedding night to happen. They had talked about themselves, their families, their studies, and work. And the more Richard heard her story it was clear that she was out of his league with the pristine background and high-end job. He tried to keep his mind open though, reminding himself that the crew had chosen her for him and deemed that they were a nearly perfect match.

When Richard woke up, Emma was already up, reading something from her phone. As she noticed him she gave him a smile. “Morning, I hope I didn’t wake you up. I’m used to early wake ups so I keep waking up early.”

“No, no it’s fine,” Richard mumbled and yawned. “I have flexible hours so I usually get up late. What time is it anyways?”

“Close to nine,” Emma smiled and put her phone away to look at Richard. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, actually I did,” Richard hummed, “must have been tired from yesterday, I usually don’t sleep this well.”

\---

Richard looked around the busy airport as he tapped his foot impatiently. Checking the instructions once more he frowned, sure that he was there at the right time and in right place for the beginning of their honey moon.

He saw a familiar short man with a camera marching towards him after a while. “Hey, you're here already? A bit early, eh? Nervous?”

Richard shrugged, hurriedly checking the clock – ah, that explains why no one was there, he was three hours before the flight, way too early for anyone else to reach. “Early, maybe?” He chuckled and pocketed his phone. “But not nervous. I like traveling although I haven’t been able to do it much.”

“Yeah?” Paul smiled and checked his equipment before placing them down for now. “Where did you like the best? I haven’t traveled much, just to Poland once.”

“I like London.. yeah, probably that,” Richard said after a moment of thought. “There’s just everything there, all the clothes the music and entertainment. Anything you wish for is there.”

“Sounds great.” Paul grinned. “Maybe I get the chance some day.”

“I hope so!” Richard smiled, slamming Paul’s shoulder and leaving his hand there. “It really is a great city. Much better than Stockholm.”

Paul snorted and laughed freely. “We’ll see about that. I think it looks interesting. Love the museums and the closeness to the sea. And I heard they have good cafe culture so there’s probably some good coffee too?”

“Yeah maybe.” Richard grinned, feeling a lot better about the trip now that Paul was there with him.

He stepped away from the man when Emma joined them and hugged her in greeting. “Ready to go?”

Emma nodded and looked around. “I love the feeling of airports,” she mused with a smile, “so free and exciting.”

“Mhmm, that’s something I need to agree on,” Richard said. “It’s somehow calming too. Everyone else is hurried but you have time to take in everything.”

The flight went fast, Richard kept talking to Emma during it, she had checked some places she wanted to visit but none of them seemed interesting to Richard. He promised to visit at least one if she would join with him to something he wanted to see as well. Things seemed not to go as well as they had hoped with all the different interests.

Richard tossed his travel bag on a bed in their hotel room, claiming the right side of the double bed. “So, where you want to go first?”

“The old town? And then to the Abba museum.” Emma said, looking at the brochure they were given by the staff.

Richard groaned out loud at that, “I’m not coming to the Abba museum, no way.”

“Why not?!”

“I hate Abba. You can go alone if you want. I’ll go to the Fotografiska museum. It’s close to the old town anyways.”

“To look at photographs? Gosh that’s boring. Whatever, let’s go to the old town and see what we like.”

A sigh and Richard took his jacket. “Let’s just eat something, maybe a talk over a good meal would do good,” he said, noticing Paul’s questioning stare behind his camera at the mention of the museum.

Richard had said it only because Paul had talked about it before. He hadn’t actually known about it if not for the other to talk about it but photographs did interest him – for work and otherwise too.

The lunch went well, Richard noted that the atmosphere between them did get better after a hefty meal and a big mugful of coffee. He suggested that they would see the museums they wanted and would meet again in couple hours to visit the The Globe’s skyview together.

After sending her away with a map and a hug, Richard nodded to Paul and started to walk towards the Fotografiska museum. “I think it’s important to give space for both to enjoy what they like,” he said conversationally as if suddenly remembering this would be filmed for people to see. “I really can’t stand Abba and I enjoy art, especially photographs. If taken well, they have so many levels – simple yet intriguing.”

Paul nodded, unable to speak while he filmed. He stopped filming after a while though, deciding to just walk with Richard and continue to film at the museum if they granted permission. “You’re not coming to this museum just because I mentioned it, are you?” he teased, grinning at the other man.

“W-what? No!” Richard said, stopping to gape at Paul. “I really do enjoy it. I didn’t know this existed so thank you for letting me know.” He smiled and continued to walk slowly.

Paul chuckled and followed him closely. “It’s nice to have some company, to talk about the art while viewing it. I’ve been meaning to come here for a while and now I finally had the chance. You know they have one in New York? That would be amazing to visit some day but I’m sure this is going to be great as well.”

“What kind of art you like?” Richard asked, checking the map to make sure they were walking to the right direction.

“Um, good question,” Paul said, looking at the scenery for a moment as he collected his thoughts, “something that gives you more than the first impression? Like, when you look at it first, you see something but when you keep looking you notice maybe a message or something that overthrows the first idea completely.”

Richard nodded, observing Paul as he talked. The man’s eyes seemed to light up and darken as he thought something – maybe an art piece that had touched him – before lighting up again. It was endearing to see, the pure happiness of visiting something he had wanted. Richard wondered if his expression was ever that excited during this trip.

Paul asked for permission to film inside the museum and got it only for the first exhibition. Secretly, he was glad about that it meant more time talking with Richard over the art. He followed the man around, filming him looking at, appreciating and commenting the images on the wall, showing different perspectives on cultures.

Paul turned the camera off as they stepped into the next hall, showcasing what one would call abstract photography. He looked around, frowning at the bold displays of strong contrasts. “That has to be a beehive,” Paul said, stopping to look at a greyscale image that looked like a honeycomb but not really.

Richard stepped back to stand next to Paul and squinted at it, “I don’t think so. It’s… um.. I think.. maybe a steel structure of some kind? Doesn’t look organic enough for a beehive.”

“Organic?” Paul laughed, looking between Richard and the photo. “I think that’s plenty organic, the edges aren’t sharp. If it was metal, it would be cut sharp.”

“Who knows.” Richard shrugged, knowing when to give up. Art was art, everyone was entitled their own perception of it. “But this,” he said, stopping in front of an image of naked person from stomach to thighs but covering the privates as a light is shown upon them through blinds, “this is masterpiece. I love this.”

Paul looked at it and the one next to it, seemingly from the same model and same series of photos. “It’s interesting. The strong lines makes the silhouette both stand out and dissolve in the shadows.”

“Yeah, you think so?” Richard hummed, glancing at the other. “That’s exactly what I thought. It shows you just enough to be interested but covering enough to keep you interested.”

“Just like women in underwear are sexier than completely nude, eh?” Paul grinned, pushing Richard’s arm teasingly and making the other splutter and blush.

“Didn’t meant that,” Richard mumbled but continued, “you’re not totally wrong either.”

“We’re both men,” Paul stated and continued through the exhibition, commenting once in a while and just enjoying the quiet setting with just two of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays to everyone! Be safe, eat well, enjoy presents or just the festive atmosphere. If you don't celebrate Holidays this year, well treat yourself a cake anyways because every day is a cake day!


	6. Fear and loathing in Stockholm city

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everybody!  
I survived the holidays, ending up having a terrible flu but now slowly and steadily recovering. I have missed fic writing so goddamn much that I desperately needed to finish at least something.

After a busy day viewing engaging art with an even more engaging cameraman, Richard was in a great mood. It didn’t even bother him that he had just spent a day, meant to be his honeymoon, with his friend instead of his wife. _ But she seemed to be ok with it so maybe I shouldn’t bother that too much, _ Richard assured himself. _ And there is still plenty of time left, so we can do whatever we want. I should try my best to soothe her if she isn’t pleased. _

Humming a catchy melody he had just heard in a shopping mall on the way back, Richard opened the door of his and Emma’s hotel room. The first thing he saw was his wife waiting in the bed full of rose petals with a bottle of champagne. Richard startled a bit to the surprising sight and let out a burst of nervous laughter. “Oh, didn’t expect to s -”

”Hallo, husband,” Emma interrupted, with a mischievous tone and stood up, approaching to Richard. ”How was your day?” She took his jacket away and caressed his chest lightly.

”It was...kind of a cool, yeah,” Richard mumbled confused, leering from head to toe his gorgeous, yet mysterious wife, who was wearing a revealing red dress which was screaming to be taken off. For a brief moment, his eyes stopped at the neckline and he couldn’t help it but gulp. ”H-how was yours? Did I miss something when I didn’t come to the ABBA museum?”

”You should have joined me, they even had karaoke there. It was awesome!” Emma exclaimed and tilted her head, the curious emerald eyes staring at her husband, wondering did she manage to get his full attention finally. ”But _ somebody _ preferred to stay with the cameraman instead of his wife.” Emma had a playful smile on her face but behind the cheery tone, there was a hint of notable bitterness. “I admit that our little Paulie is cute indeed but I wouldn’t have expected you to spend the whole day with him.”

An unintended snort escaped from Richard. _ What is the purpose of all of this? _ ”Well, it wasn't anything against you personally, just that...I was interested more in photography than Swedish pop music, to be honest.” He took Emma’s hand and pressed a light kiss there. “I’m sorry. From now on, I’m all yours for the rest of the evening.”

Raising an eyebrow, Emma asked: “Is that so? You don’t have any back-up plans I should be worried about?”

“I promise there isn't any,” Richard stated with confidence and squeezed his wife’s hand reassuringly. “So, what would you like to do, do you want to go somewhere together?”

“Well…” Emma started and licked her lips, “actually, I’d prefer to stay here, if that’s fine for you, _ husband_.” She turned and gestured at the bottle and two glasses on a table next to their bed. There was also a bowl full of something colorful. “I ordered us something small in case you would get a sudden urge to escape from me again.”

The emphasis on the word husband and the slightly mocking tone made Richard uneasy. “Am I sensing... jealousy here?” he asked, half-jokingly, half-seriously. 

But Emma didn’t answer - instead, she grabbed Richard’s hand and forcefully dragged him to sit on the bed. She took the glasses and poured champagne to them. Gesturing them to toast, she stared at Richard with uncomfortably piercing glimmer in her eyes. “Viel Glück für euch,” she said, not sounding very convincing though.

“Prost und viel Glück, mein Liebling,” Richard answered with a shy smile on his face, forcing himself to look at his wife whose expression he couldn’t read. When they drank the bitter liquid, Richard didn’t want to even think about how much Emma had spent money on it - the name on the French label sounded ridiculously pricy. 

Emma put the glass to the side and placed her hand on her husband’s thigh. “How are you feeling about us so far? Any regrets for marrying me?”

The straightforward questions came so out of nowhere that Richard wasn’t sure how he was supposed to answer not to upset his wife. He thought they would spend a relaxing evening together but now Emma was acting a bit too nosy. _How much champagne has she had before I came? _“I-I’m...a bit confused, to be honest, but maybe it will settle when the time passes.” Richard tried his best to form a convincing smile on his face when he continued: “I was so freaking nervous at the ceremony when I saw you the first time that I thought I’d faint in front of everyone.” He shook his head. “I’m not regretting anything. Maybe after so many years alone I just need... some time to let this all to sink in.”

“That’s such a relief to hear,” Emma said. Then, a shadow fell on her face and she turned her head away. “I was just thinking today that…”

“What is it?” Richard asked with a gentle tone when his wife didn’t continue the puzzling sentence. “Emma, you know you can trust me. Whatever it is on your heart, please, tell me.” 

The atmosphere was getting tense but instead of answering her husband’s question directly, Emma burst out: “Do you find me anyhow attractive?” 

“Yes, you are a gorgeous woman,” Richard responded immediately. “I would like to know more about you if you’d just be willing to open up to me, baby.” Then, he leaned closer and pressed his lips on Emma’s - he was more than happy to notice that his wife answered his shy proposal.

When they withdrew, Emma opened her eyes slowly and looked serious when she said: “I just had a fear today that... you would want to escape from me constantly because you don’t like me.” _ And the cameraman makes me nervous_, she added in her mind, unable to speak it out loud what troubled her for real. _ I have a feeling that he must be up to something. _

“Don’t be concerned,” Richard assured. “We still have plenty of time getting to know each other.”

Surprisingly, Emma’s facial expression changed - she came only inches away from Richard’s face and whispered: “Wunderbar.” The curious, cunning eyes leered Richard from head to toe, secretly wondering, how he would look like without any clothes. She started to caress Richard’s thigh with broader movements than before, getting uncomfortably close to the sensitive male spots.

When Richard realized what was happening his breathing got more and more shallow - he froze to his place. _ Okay, didn’t expect this to happen this swiftly, but... _

Emma interrupted his thoughts by saying: “So, what do you say if I’d come up with a plan for _ us _ tonight?”

“U-ummm, s-sure, why not,” Richard stuttered and in no time, he had to let out a low moan when Emma started to pepper wet kisses on his neck without any prior warning. Something primitive was slowly awakening in him and he wasn’t sure should it be considered good or bad - but his wife seemed now to be confident about what she wanted. 

~***~

Only a couple of rooms away, Paul was lying in his bed, browsing mindlessly his social media accounts. His distant relative had gotten a baby last night and his old classmate announced that she was getting married next autumn and of course, all the highlights had to be shown to the public as loud as possible. Paul felt like the lives of everyone else were going forward while he was stuck in his own not knowing what he really wanted.

When the happiness of the other people started to make him sick, Paul sighed and put the phone away, staring now at the ceiling. This was one of the parts of the job he disliked: staying alone in the hotel room after a busy day of filming with nothing to do - he felt useless. Especially the thought of the married couple very close, doing whatever married couples usually performed together, didn’t help him to focus on his own business. 

Paul gulped when he lied back in the bed and a thought of what Richard might be doing now with his wife appeared in his mind. Usually, he wasn’t interested in the personal lives of the participants: they could do whatever they wanted, his only job was to produce entertaining material for the tv. 

But in Richard’s case, it was different as Paul had slowly but steadily started to care about the man personally - it amazed him how quickly they had seemed to bond with each other. Just like ordered, Paul had gotten a new friend he had been craving for so long. 

However, normally he didn’t consider his friends so illegally charming - both physically and mentally.

Paul let his mind wander freely and how uncomfortable it was to admit that it tended to wander to the man he had grown weirdly fond of during recent days. 

_ He’s married now for fuck’s sake, stop that. _

But Paul couldn’t help it. He shook his head: the only reason why he was feeling like this was perhaps that he was so lonely that even a tiny bit of affection was able to send him to cloud nine.

Especially an incident earlier on the day at the photography museum had left Paul with dozens of questions he desperately wanted to get answers for but was too scared to ask.

_ After joking together about photography of a stunning, naked woman, Paul and Richard kept proceeding in the museum. Time was flying so fast that they didn’t even realize they had been spending already several hours there, just strolling around and talking - most of all, enjoying each other’s company and getting to know each other better. _

_ Being a passionate photographer, Paul was more than willing to tell technical details and other “photography nerd” stuff - as Richard had called them _ _ \- _ _ about the artworks. Richard listened in silence while Paul wasn’t exactly sure was the other man genuinely interested or just being polite. It had amazed him in general why Richard had chosen his company over to his wife, but he didn’t dare to ask any details. Richard had assured that it was only because he loathed ABBA, but Paul had an instinct that it wasn’t the complete truth. _

_ They stopped by another erotic picture, but this time it was different than the woman they had seen before. Paul was almost ready to skip it, but Richard didn’t let him so he grabbed his cameraman by his arm. _

_ “The Immortal Virtuoso,” Richard mumbled from the description and moved his wide eyes to the huge poster. “Fascinating…” _

_ Slowly, Paul turned his head and looked at the other man with the eyes of confusion and amusement. “You… enjoy this kind of... stuff?” _

_ In the picture, there was a naked, completely tattooed guy with long black hair, posing with a gorgeous Telecaster, the instrument hiding the strategical parts. The long and dexterous fingers were wrapped around the fretboard and Richard noticed that the man’s nails were painted black and red. The detail made him even more interested in the picture and the man - he had always dreamed that he could look like he wanted, not afraid to use make-up in his daily life. The man’s dark eyes were so piercing that it looked like the athletic figure was just right in front of them. Paul felt uneasy about the vivid image as he didn’t want to admit that the guy possessed unique beauty with the best parts of femininity and masculinity. _

_ Nodding, Richard turned to face Paul and looked at him straight in the eyes. “Yeah. I once dreamed to become a professional musician. There was a point in my life when I was convinced that I could be cool and achieve something but then…” He turned to look wistfully at the picture and continued:”...life kinda happened. I noticed I had to grow up, be responsible.” It made Paul sad to hear that the other man sounded like he was regretting his choices in life this far. He had a sudden urge to hug Richard but it was of course out of question in a crowded place like this. _

_ There was a brief silent moment before Richard continued talking again: “And I have to admit that this guy here...” he started and pointed at the painting, “he possesses something I wish I could have had. There was a point in my life that I would have even sold my other kidney to get a career as an artist.” He moved his eyes to his shoes. “Instead, what I got was this dull life. I-I’m so -” _

_ “Hey, don’t say things like that,” Paul had to interrupt. “If it consoles you anyhow, at least in my opinion, you are one of the coolest persons I have met for a while. And you are only in your thirties, anything can be changed still. Don’t let go off your dreams so easily, please.” _

_ Richard turned back to the cameraman and blinked his eyes. “Thank you. I wish the same to you.” Then, he stepped closer, now only inches away from Paul. “But here comes the most embarrassing part: I don’t even want to admit how stunningly handsome that guy is. In any other circumstances, I would take him home immediately,” Richard stated without hesitation and grinned, trying to lighten up the mood. _

_ “You’re into... men as well?” Paul burst out accidentally when the other man’s comment had made him confused. He regretted his slip immediately though but it was impossible to take it back anymore. “S-sorry, I-I mean -” _

_ Richard let out a chuckle. “Just between you and me Paulie: I have never been too picky when it comes to gender. Personality is the thing and this guy definitely has it.” Leaning closer he whispered barely audibly to Paul’s ear: “And as much as I know about you this far, so have you. I wouldn’t mind seeing you posing like that for me. Preferably, privately.” _

_ It was most likely meant to be a bantering joke, but still, Paul’s face turned to resemble the color of a cooked lobster - the warmth of the other man so close to him accompanied by the sensual words were way too much for his weak heart to comprehend. A brief thought of Richard posing with his guitar came to Paul’s mind and he didn’t want to admit that it would please him embarrassingly much as well. _

_ Being dumbfounded Paul desperately tried to change the subject as he didn’t want to be so awkward in a public place. He checked his phone nervously and said: “O-okay, it’s pretty late already, your wife must be waiting for you.” He put the phone back to his bag and turned his back to the other man. “Let’s go.” Walking before Richard he hoped that his blushing face wasn’t too visible for any outsiders. _

They hadn’t talked about the incident later and Paul could only wonder what had been going on in Richard’s head when he had said those things. Had he been only joking? What Paul had learned about the newly-wed man was that he had a witty sense of humor. But why had Richard said that when he was now married to a woman and still had kinda confessed that he liked men also? 

And worst of all, he had admitted that he wouldn’t mind seeing Paul naked. _ Privately. _

Closing his eyes and sighing, the former uncomfortable thoughts started to pop up back: Paul tried not to think too much what Richard might be doing with his wife at the moment. Or did they have sexual intercourse already at the wedding night? Usually, the participants of the show wanted to proceed with slow steps but it was difficult to tell what Richard’s style was. He seemed polite and gently but Paul couldn’t know what kind of beast he would become in the bedroom.

_ Why the fuck am I even thinking about something like this? _

But Paul knew the answer perhaps: it was painfully embarrassing to admit that it had been ages since he’d had any kind of sex life, even any romantic affection from someone nice. When his former relationship had ended, he had isolated himself from any social life, working like a maniac. He was so afraid of being hurt again that he hadn’t even dared to start dating anyone.

And after the break-up he had started to question his sexuality - it didn’t really help that now he was the closest cameraman to an attractive guy about whose personality he desperately wanted to know more.

_ Don’t you even dare to form a crush on him. He’s your client, for fuck’s sake. _


	7. The walk

Paul tried to stop the images flooding his mind – Richard, naked with just guitar giving him modesty. Himself naked with a guitar while Richard took a photo, just like the man had whispered to him at the museum. No matter how much he tried, the images didn’t leave.

Paul felt himself twitching, the tell-tale signs of his member growing hard as he images flashing in his mind turned to something more permanent. After a moment, he stopped fighting them and immersed himself in the images.

He teased himself, cupping his length through the denim. Opening his pants, he lifted up enough to tug the jeans down and kicked them off. Paul scooted up the bed to rest against the headboard. His fingers teased the hair under his navel. His hips bucked up, seeking for attention that he was reluctant to give himself.

Paul imagined the lean body, faint lines of abs and the strong arms. Skin darker shade of tan than his own. The black hair hiding Richard’s hair as he’d kiss down his chest. Instead of Richard’s lips, Paul slid his hand down the imaginary line, fingertips brushing against the skin in imitation of lips. He pulled his boxers off, warm hands splayed on his thighs, kneading the soft skin.

With a groan he moved a hand to roll his balls, teasingly tugging on one before letting go. He sucked in a breath, eyes squeezed closed as he wrapped the hand around his base. The dry friction almost too much as he stroked the growing length few times. Paul sighed and spat on his palm, moaning when the wetness eased the motions.

He let his nails scrape just under the head, teasing the sensitive skin. Biting back a moan, Paul shifted, fucking up into his hand as the other moved up to pinch his nipple. The dual sensation matching the vivid images in his mind.

With a gasp and a twist of his hand, Paul released in his palm. Breath ragged and heaving as he rode the pleasure.

~~

Richard looked up at his wife. She moved to straddle his thighs as she continued to lavish his neck. Richard swallowed, the dull sting on his neck was a telltale sign of her marking him, as her own. He moved a careful hand on her waist, bracing himself with the other. She let out a pleased hum at the touch, grounding her hips down against Richard’s groin.

Richard trusted his wife, although he had thought the trip would be just talking and enjoying their time together, intimacy still further away. She seemed to know what she wanted and hell if that didn’t turn Richard on. He had always liked his partners passionate.

Falling under her ministrations was easier than he thought. His mind blanking at the pleasure and his instincts took over. He let her ride him, control the pace. Their hips slamming together at each trust.

As he laid sated, watching his wife doze off the champagne she’d consumed earlier the thoughts of Paul came back. It’s not supposed to be like this.

The next day had the couple strolling around the old town, compromising the museums and shopping. It seemed like the sex had broke whatever barrier there had been between them and now the talk was easier, more comfortable. Richard thought he could get used to this, he really could and sometimes he even forgot that Paul was trailing behind them, filming and documenting everything.

The dinner ended up awkward. Richard sat opposite his wife, Paul at the side to film them as they ate. He didn’t miss the glances Emma threw at Paul when she wasn’t filmed. Richard watched her with a smile, she had really nothing to be jealous about. “Is there somewhere you want to go tomorrow before we fly back to Berlin? We need to be at the airport at four so there’s plenty of time.”

Emma shrugged with a smile. “There’s a tour where they take us on the roof tops. I think that’d be cool. To look at the city from high up, don’t you think?”

“Not sure about that.” Richard frowned, he took a moment to chew a mouthful, collecting his thoughts. He was scared of heights. Just the idea of walking on the roof made his heart beat faster. “Actually… I’m scared of heights?” he said with an apologetic smile. “I’ve never been good with heights.”

“Oh, really?” Emma asked, canting her hear to the side. “Damn, I really wanted to do that. Are you sure you can’t? They have us strapped down and all, it’s really safe. The route has handles and barriers. I mean, they wouldn’t bring people up there if it wasn’t safe. They do it in other cities too! Like in St. Petersburg, they walk in a roof even higher than this. I took part of it last time, it was amazing!”

Richard sighed, casting his eyes down at his half eaten meal. Emma was really excited about this activity, her tone was brighter than it had been during the whole trip as she talked about it. It’s not like he wants to deny her the fun but he was really scared of it. He risked a glance at Paul who seemed to have spaced off, staring intently at the screen of his camera, currently filming both of them.

“If you really don’t want to we don’t have to, you know,” Emma said after a moment of silence. She reached over the table to take Richard’s hand in hers. “Sometimes it’s good to face your own fears though. I checked the forecast and the weather should be great, warm and sunny with mild wind. We can do something else too if you’d like. Maybe take one of the boat rides around the city waters?”

Somehow the caring tone of her voice dug deep in Richard’s mind. This was his wife trying hard to accommodate him in her plans. The soft touch got him to look up at her. Richard wasn’t ready for the soft smile pulling him in. He sighed and squeezed her hand gently. “How about we try it and if I really can’t do it, I’ll wait you at the end of the route?”

“Really?” Her eyes lit up in excitement. “You’d try it for me?”

Richard nodded, still not really sure about that. “I’ll try. I don’t make promises though.” He chuckled. “I once had to check my grandparents’ roof and I was shaking so bad that the ladder shook with me. In the end my cousin climbed up there.”

“Aww, poor you.” Emma smiled, taking her hand back to continue the dinner. “Maybe this time it’ll be easier. I can hold your hand if you want to.”

Richard laughed at that, taking a sip from his drink. “I’m not sure if it helps but sure. Let’s try that.”

He saw Paul placing the camera down after that, telling them that today’s filming was finished. Richard looked over him. “It’s time for you to eat something too, Paul. Are you alright with filming up on the roof?”

“I’m all up for it.” Paul grinned as he packed the equipment away. “Your wife is right, the city would look amazing from the roof tops.”

“Yeah? See, Richard! I’m not the only one enjoying the idea.” Emma laughed, probably the first time during their trip agreeing with Paul on something rather than glaring at his way.

Richard looked between the two and shook his head. “Okay, I admit my defeat. But I’ll still only try. Paul can stay with you up there if I come back down.”

“Maybe,” she smiled back at him. “How about we let Paul to eat and take a stroll near the sea? We can get something to drink and enjoy the warm weather?”

Richard looked at Paul who just shrugged and smiled back at him. “Yeah, I suppose some slow walking would be nice after a big meal like this.” He smiled and called for the waiter.

Richard was holding Emma’s hand as they walked silently through the Djurgarden park. The evening was warm and Richard was really enjoying the park. The lush green mixed with the beautiful flowers. The serenity was broken soon with his wife asking him a question.

“What?” he asked back, not sure if he had caught the whole question.

“I asked if you like Paul more than you like me?” Emma sighed, stopping to look at her husband. “It’s just, you kept staring at him during the dinner and earlier too. I know you said you find me attractive and I thought that after the last night...”

“Oh, no..not like that no,” Richard said quickly, maybe too quickly. “I like him, he’s a cool guy and easy to get along with,” he said, rubbing his neck in embarrassment of getting caught. “I mean, we had good discussions at the museum and we like similar music and have same interests. So I guess I’m just happy to make a friend of him? He feels like long lost friend. I’m usually very timid and this is baffling me too.” He chuckled softly. “But it’s just that. A new friend. Nothing more.”

Emma’s gaze was calculative as she looked back at him, as if she couldn’t believe the words. “Well, I don’t like it. The way you keep staring at him and spacing out. I’m your wife, we should be getting to know each other.”

“Ask me anything then,” Richard said, tugging her hand to continue their walk. “I’ll answer truthfully. You’re right, we are married now and I shouldn’t keep things from you so I’ll try to answer.”


	8. Fears that keep binding us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how this always happens: I start something just for fun and suddenly, it's getting deep and dramatic. 
> 
> Hopefully you'll enjoy this long-ass chapter with a dream sequence and a glimpse to Richard's past.

_ Hey guys, I have a slight problem that concerns me… What do you think, is it normal to jerk off while thinking about your attractive friend? Especially if we both are men? Thanks for your answers. - H31k0 _

Paul couldn’t believe that he had actually just typed that into an Internet forum, but right now pouring out the distracting thoughts anonymously seemed like a good idea. The worst part of his job was there once again: being alone in his hotel room, the only company being his own speculations which were getting disturbingly messy. The day had been hectic enough to think about something else than his feelings, but now it was getting worse again.

In no time, Paul’s phone beeped: answers and a couple of likes started to drop.

_ Well, if the friend is gorgeous, then why not. ;-) Can you send a picture of him here, I wanna see if he’s attractive enough? ;--)) _

_ Yeww, that’s so fucking gross and you should be ashamed of yourself! Sex is the main thing that separates friendship from a romantic relationship and you should never, ever cross that border! _

_ I would end the friendship immediately if that happened. Seriously man, get some help. _

_ Make a Tinder profile and get a hot lady to fulfill your needs. _

_ I could say it’s a bit difficult topic, there’s probably not a single correct answer for it… you have to do as you feel in your heart. Have you asked your friend does he have feelings towards you? _

When he had checked the not so constructive replies, Paul sighed and put the phone back on the nightstand. He lied down on his bed putting hands behind his head. He tried his best to concentrate on breathing to soothe himself, but nothing seemed to avail. 

_ What is happening to me again? Am I going insane? _

Paul turned and buried his face to his pillow trying to fight back the embarrassing burning in his eyes - he wasn’t even sure whether he should laugh or cry at this. Naïvely, he had hoped that admitting anonymously what he had done would help, but on the contrary, he felt even worse now. 

_ Seriously man, get some help. _ Maybe that was the best piece of advice he had gotten this far. _ Yes, you are absolutely correct. I’m fucking gross and I need some help. This is going nowhere. _

Nothing had happened during the day and they hadn’t interacted with Richard so much - still, there had been this way too familiar nasty knot in Paul’s stomach the whole day. He had struggled to get his meal down when they pretended to have a casual dinner. The tension had been there, it could have been cut with a knife.

_ What the hell was I thinking? Casually sitting with him and his wife in a restaurant, trying to act normal even though I can’t stop thinking about a taken man. _

_ Naked. _

Secretly, Paul had thought about what Richard and his wife might have been doing during their honeymoon. Paul gulped: images of his handsome friend pleasuring his wife came to his mind and his freaking organ started to live its own life again, just like a night before.

He remembered the piercing gazes Emma had given him today. And also, Richard glanced at him, but with more gentle eyes. _ Or did I just hope he would pay his attention to me? _

_ I need to stop this. For all of our sakes. _

So what he was supposed to do now? _ Think Paul, think. _

Paul stood up and without noticing it himself, he started to walk around in the tiny hotel room, like a restless tiger confined in a cage. He tried to come up with a plan.

An idea popped up to his mind - not a very pleasant one, but he had to be responsible and act before it would go too far. 

_ Hmm. That would do. _

From now on - even though it already hurt him - Paul was sure that maybe it was the best for both of them if he would retreat from this project and ask some of his colleagues to continue filming the couple. 

_ It’s breaking my heart already, but we still have tomorrow to say our goodbyes. I have to do this, I really have to. _

Paul sighed. He could already see Richard’s gorgeous, frowning face in front of him when he would inform about his decision, but he was sure that it would be the right thing to do.

And maybe, ideally, his feelings for the newly-wed man would fade if they would take some distance from each other. Maybe Paul still had a chance to save their friendship. Maybe the disturbing images and sleepless nights would vanish by time giving space to think about something else.

So, Paul came up with a plan of how he would proceed tomorrow: first, he would film their day normally like nothing was going on. He would try to keep his distance from them, being the professional he was supposed to be. Later, when they would be back in Berlin, Paul would ask his boss if he could retreat from this project - to film some other couple, or be transferred to a completely different show. He could tell his boss something like they didn’t get along with the couple in the end, he needed new challenges or something as lame.

_ Maybe lousy excuses, but what else could I do? This is the best alternative. _

Facilitation wasn’t the only emotion that flooded inside him: more so, Paul felt like a knife was stabbing his heart when he was thinking that he had to abandon Richard who had grown so dear to him during the show. It meant the ending of their bantering jokes, sweet smiles or sharing an occasional cigarette, their fingers touching by accident. No more strolling around in museums and parks, talking about life, art and love. The idea was devastating, but Paul didn’t want to take a risk to destroy Richard’s new relationship with his presence. The man deserved all the happiness and love, he had earned it - not some pathetic cameraman coming to his way, ruining everything Richard had been dreaming of all of his life.

After the painful situation had been made, Paul decided to take a cold shower and do a brief meditating session using the methods he had been learning recently when taking classes for easing the stress he was constantly living under.

_ Inhale, exhale… alles ist gut. _

_ You have done the right decision. _

The hour was growing late and the mindfulness session managed to clear his mind at least a tiny bit so Paul could consider now going to sleep. A new day tomorrow was awaiting, with new fresh feelings. 

_ At least I have a plan now. Well done. _

He lied down on his bed and wrapped himself in the duvet, lulling into the sweet state of unconsciousness. On purpose, he lied on his belly, pressing his groin tightly on the mattress so there wouldn’t be even the slightest risk for his way too independent male organ to scare him off again.

At first, the cinema of Paul’s subconscious mind started to go through basic things of his recent incidents in life: single scenes about his work, days in Stockholm and what he was going to do when he was back home. 

But slowly and steadily, when Paul was falling into a deeper sleep, he was thrown into a pitch-black room, not knowing where he was and what was going on. 

_ “Umm, hello, anybody out there?” Paul called, but to no avail. At the same time, he tried to fumble a light switch, a door, or basically anything, but nothing worked - the room seemed to be completely empty. _

_ “Great, how fucking great,” Paul mumbled, annoyed. _

_ Frustration was slowly turning into a slight panic. What should he do now? _

_ Just before horror could take its grip from Paul, out of nowhere, the lights turned on. The room didn’t look any different: it was still black everywhere. _

_ Paul squinted his eyes trying to get his vision back. “Thank God, at least something.” _

_ Soon, he noticed that from the shadows there was a figure approaching him, but he didn’t see who it was until the man was right in front of him. _

_ Paul gasped. “Richard?” He had to rub his eyes to comprehend that it really was his friend. “You are the last person I would expect to see here.” _

_ The only answer Paul got was a mischievous grin from the other man. Paul didn’t have the slightest clue why Richard was here and what he was up to. _

_ And what was even more bizarre were Richard’s looks that Paul managed to see clearly when he had gotten over of his first shock. He couldn’t help an exclamation escaping from his mouth. _

_ “Dear Christ, you look…” Paul stopped for a second to glance at the sight in front of him from head to toe. _

_ “...great.” It was an understatement, but Paul couldn’t find a word from any language he knew to describe how the other man made him feel. _

_ “You think so?” Richard finally spoke. _

_ “Y-yes, definitely…” _

_ Paul found it extremely difficult to hide his admiration. He had seen a glimpse of his friend’s preference for make-up, but now Richard was wearing heavy eyeliner, on the contrary of the light make-up he’d had that evening when they had met for the first time. Also, his other eye was transparent - supposedly, Richard was a fan of contact lenses then. What came to his clothing, he was wearing a long leather jacket with rivets, leather boots, and tight leather shorts, underneath them fishnet stockings barely hiding his muscular thighs. In his arm, he had a red ribbon and in his neck, there was a collar. _

_ Now Paul felt even smaller than he was with his worn-out hoodie and baggy jeans. _

_ “Danke schön,” Richard answered after a pause and took a step closer, glancing at his trembling small friend with his different colored eyes. “You remember what I told you in the museum the other day?” He spread his hands and turned around. “This is how I always wanted to dress-up. Not just a dull office guy. Dark, gothic aesthetics have always fascinated me and finally, I can be myself. I feel so free.” _

_ “Wow...you are simply stunning,” Paul whispered and got a contented nod from his friend. _

_ “So, how’s my Paulie doing tonight?” Richard asked and started to circle around the other man. “Any plans for the rest of the evening?” _

_ Trapped to his place, Paul stuttered: “I-I’m well I suppose.” He almost jumped to the roof when Richard pressed his shoulder lightly. “But... I still don’t understand anything.” _

_ Richard stopped right behind Paul and entwined his arms around the other man - now it was getting uncomfortably tense. “You don’t understand what, exactly?” Richard asked. _

_ If not earlier, Paul now had difficulties to catch his breath. “W-we... we shouldn’t do this…” _

_ “And why not?” Richard breathed right next to Paul’s ear. _

_ “You h-have a wife… I should get out, for Christ’s sake, it’s my fault... all of this is my fault, we should have never met. I will ruin your life. I will ruin the thing you have been dreaming of all your life...” _

_ “Nothing is your fault and you will not ruin anything, on the contrary,” Richard said with a confident tone. To Paul’s horror, he didn’t stop there but started peppering kisses on his neck, mumbling: “I know what you have been doing Paulie. You can’t hide from me. You can’t resist me. Admit it.” _

_ “A-admit what?” Paul managed to say with the last strength left. “This... this is wrong. So horribly wrong…” _

_ “I know that you have been jerking off while thinking about me,” Richard said with a husky voice, not bothering to hide his arousal. _

_ “I-I…” _

_ “It’s totally ok, I’m flattered.” At this point, Richard started to take off Paul’s hoodie with the other hand while the other one was placed disturbingly low on Paul’s body. “Do you also think that it’s slightly... hot in here?” Richard asked and squeezed the other man’s ass. _

_ Tears gathered to Paul’s eyes. It was conflicting that he was deep down enjoying himself, yet knowing perfectly well that it wasn’t supposed to go like this. “P-please, don’t do this you are married to a woman already… you are supposed to spend time with her, not me.” _

_ “Screw my wife, I want you. You only. I dream about you every single fucking night.” Richard turned Paul to face him, his hand still on Paul’s buttocks caressing them. “Or don’t you want this?” _

_ “Yes, b-but…” Paul’s words got glued in his mouth. _

_ Richard proceeded to grab Paul’s groin and whispered: “Just between you and me when we had sex with my wife and she came, it wasn’t her face I saw…” _

_ “Please, I don’t want to ruin our friendship,” Paul tried to beg. _

_ But Richard simply ignored him when he said: “It was _ ** _you_ ** _ who I saw underneath me, coming for _ ** _me_**_. Screaming for my name.” _

“NO, JUST FUCKING STOP, PLEASE, I BEG YOU!” it was his own scream that woke Paul up from the terrifyingly pleasuring dream. “Stop… dear God, please stop...”

His whole body sweating, Paul got up into a sitting position and buried his face into his hands. “What the hell is happening, what the hell, this can’t be true,” he whimpered. “This can’t be fucking true, oh dear God, how can I get this out of me...”

Still trembling, on the edge of a panic attack, Paul went back to the shower. On purpose, he put the temperature to as cold as he could, rubbing himself with a sponge like it could wipe the dirty thoughts out of him.

When he came back from the shower, he sat on the floor and hugged himself tightly. He felt like he was a 5-year-old again, having nightmares and calling out his mom to help him in his agony. This time the only one soothing him in his terror was himself though. “It’s ok, it’s ok, it was only a dream,” he repeated. “It’s ok, tomorrow I will end this. I swear. I have to end this. I know what I’m supposed to do, stick with the plan, don’t fuck this up, please.”

~***~

** _Phobia: _ ** _ an excessive and persistent fear of a certain situation or an object. _

_ ~ _ ** _Outskirts of Berlin, 2003_ ** _ ~ _

_ Being a 15-year-old and growing up in a group of boys - full with testosterone and youthful arrogance - wasn’t natural for Richard who didn’t want his sensitivity to come into daylight. While other boys were interested in sports, violent video games, and getting laid, Richard preferred to sink himself into music, art, and movies. Unfortunately, there were only two options to choose from: either you would be yourself and show your vulnerability, accepting the risk of getting bullied or you would hide your true self and join a gang of boys and be protected. Hesitantly, Richard had chosen the latter - he had seen in their school where it could lead if you expressed yourself too openly. _

_ Something on this grey autumn afternoon, full with the excitement of getting finally free from the dull responsibilities of the schoolday, had lured Richard into this: joining the so-called friends even though he would have preferred to have his guitar practice. One rule of being in the gang was that you had to agree on what they suggested without arguments, so there they were today, heading to the unknown, Richard trying his best to keep up the pace of the other guys. He was already exhausted and struggled to hide it. _

_ “Reeshie, hurry up!” Klaus, the leader of the group shouted. “We don’t have the whole day!” _

_ “I’m on my way…” Richard panted and tried to run as fast as he could with his short legs. _

_ Klaus shook his head and whispered to the other boys around him: “Always late…” _

_ “Why did we even accept him here?” Erik, one of the boys, asked. He lowered his voice so Richard - who was soon reaching them - couldn’t hear: “I’m pretty sure he’s a fucking faggot.” He nodded towards him. “Look at him.” _

_ “Faggot or not, but we will show him how to behave,” Klaus whispered to Erik before Richard was back with them. _

_ “Let’s go!” _

_ They reached their destination: a closed factory area that had seen its best days back in the blossoming of DDR. _

_ “Here we are, who’s gonna be with me?” Klaus asked and turned around to face the other boys. The question was more like a formality than him caring about the opinion of his company. _

_ Muffled agreements were shared, except for one of them. _

_ “Reesh, seriously, are you a total wimp?” Hugo, another dedicated follower of his idol Klaus, mocked. “Chiiickeeeeen!” He started to imitate the clucking of chickens, the other boys joining him. _

_ “Chicken, chicken!” _

_ Richard’s cheeks turned to resemble the color of a cooked lobster and he had to blink to fight back the tears of humiliation - the last thing he wanted to do was to burst into crying. If that would happen, all would be lost: Richard Zven Kruspe would be, without a doubt, declared as a wimp, a total loser, for the rest of his days. _

_ “I-I’m not a chicken,” he mumbled and wiped his eyes, biting his lower lip. “C-count me in.” _

_ Klaus came only inches away from Richard and said: “Wunderbar. So, what are we waiting for?” _

_ When Klaus backed up Richard sighed in relief. He was sure that if the boy would have been breathing right onto his face for too long, he would have fainted. In a contact that close, it could be clearly noticed how oral hygiene was not highly appreciated in this group. _

_ It was easy to sneak into the factory as the main fence - with the huge signs of “Achtung! Kein Zutritt” - was broken. Nobody seemed to care, besides Richard who kept glancing behind his back when they had broken in. _

_ “G-guys, do you think this is a good idea after all?” he stuttered and gulped. “What if somebody finds us? We will spend the rest of our days in detention in that case.” _

_ Klaus turned and approached Richard, soon once again right in front of him, trying to look as intimidating as he could. For a 15-year old teenager, Klaus was tall and well-built, so he had to look down at Richard when he hissed: “Do you know what? I thought that you might be something, but now I smell that we have a real _ ** _chicken_ ** _ here after all.” _

_ “I-I’m not a chicken, but m-maybe it’s not a good idea. Think about it. What if somebody comes here? We will be in real trouble then, r-right?” _

_ When Richard tried to avoid Klaus’ piercing blue eyes, the leader of the group just kept gawking at him. “Prove it then,” he said at the same time when a repulsive grin was forming on his face. “Prove to us that you are not a chicken and then we will believe you.” The other boys behind him chuckled. _

_ Richard started shaking. “H-how?” _

_ Klaus looked around and kept staring at the tallest building in the area. He pointed at it and asked: “You see that tower?” Richard nodded so Klaus continued: “If you climb on top of it we promise that we will never call you a chicken again.” _

_ “O-okay, I’ll do it,” Richard barely agreed. He was smart enough to understand that it was dangerous as hell: it had started to rain and the ladders to the tower - which could collapse in any minute - were not only rusty but slippery as well. But as the other option was to be eternally announced as a chicken, lowering himself in the cruel teenage social hierarchy, he didn’t have a choice. _

_ The other boys remained silent on their place, not cheering for their friend as they watched him starting to climb up. _

_ “Beeil dich, du Schwul, we don’t have the whole day!” someone insulted, but Richard didn’t want to turn to look, who. _

_ Richard gulped and closed his eyes, his palms squeezing the tenuous railing like it was his last lifeline. _ ** _You can do this, you can do this,_ ** _ he tried to encourage himself mentally, but the fear remained. _

**Just keep going and sooner or later, you will reach the top. You can do it, just trust yourself. **

_ So, he wiped his wet hair in front of his eyes to the back, took a deep breath and ascended. _

_ Slowly and shakingly, he was by every step closer to the top of the tower. _ ** _ I can’t believe it, I can do this._ ** _ He even managed to smile. _ ** _I’m not a coward after all. _ ** _ The rain had changed into a drizzle - it seemed promising. _

_ “Oh man, he’s gonna do it,” the boys on the ground marveled. They couldn’t have believed that the smallest and the weakest of them was able to do something this brave. If he would climb to the top, he would gain his respect for the rest of his life, his social status being raised and praised. _

_ But the hope of succeeding was coming too fast to be celebrated yet: as Richard reached the last step, almost about to yell that: “See, you motherfuckers, I did it!” he heard a crack under his feet. _

** _Oh, fucking fuck. This is not a good thing._ **

_ As he assumed, his worst fear was coming true: the rusty step was collapsing under his feet. He tried to grab from something, but he couldn’t linger the fact that he was going to drop, only God knows from how high. _

** _Oh no. It can’t be..._ **

_ Everything went like in a speeded-up movie: the next thing Richard realized was that he was hitting something with a thud followed by a piercing pain in his back reaching his whole body. He couldn’t move anywhere and soon, his vision faded into black, only muffled screams as his background soundtrack. _

** _Did I just die?_ **

_ ~ _ ** _Stockholm, 2020_ ** _ ~ _

“And you checked the forecast yesterday that it should be ‘mild and sunny’?” Richard asked bitterly, looking at the grey sky that didn’t look promising. As he hadn’t slept last night, old memories from the past keeping him awake, the dull weather reflected his already gloomy mood perfectly.

_ But you don’t want to be a chicken_, kept echoing in his head still after all these years.

“How should I have known that the all-knowing forecast could trick us,” Emma defended herself and turned as they were walking. “Are you still with me?”

They stopped and Emma looked at his husband with a question mark above her. Richard lowered his head and answered meekly: “Yeah, I guess I don’t have a choice here after all.”

Emma took Richard’s hands in hers and smiled reassuringly. “Reesh honey, please be honest with me. We can still back up and it’s absolutely ok.”

Richard nodded and looked up again at his wife’s emerald green eyes, full of anticipation and excitement. _ I’m not gonna disappoint her. _ “Let’s do it.” He chuckled nervously. “And who knows if you can’t get me out in the end if I like it so much.”

“That’s the spirit,” Emma said and pressed a tiny smooch on her husband’s cheek. “So, let’s go, we should hurry up if we want to catch up with the rest of the group!”

Behind them was their cameraman, leaving a polite distance on purpose. He didn’t want to meet Richard’s gentle eyes as he didn’t think he deserved any sense of compassion after what his imagination had done last night inside his head. He tried to remain as nothing had happened: to keep his professional role which he should have done from the beginning.

Richard, who couldn’t go into Paul’s head, didn’t know what was going on and he was concerned as the cameraman was notably not being his usual cheerful and witty self. Was Paul angry because of something? Had something happened? Was there something going on in his personal life? _ I have to ask him later after we are done with this shit. I’m so glad he came with us. _

After a good amount of walking, they reached the main square which was the meeting point for the tour. A lot of people had gathered there already and now when this was about to happen for real, Richard noticed how his mouth was getting dry whereas his hands were getting sweaty. He had to wipe them to his pants, hoping that no one would see the rising panic. _ You can do this. You can do this. _

“God morgon!” a sporty looking guy, supposedly the tour guide, exclaimed. “Nice to see so many of you today! As you may have noticed, the weather is not favoring us, but let’s not let it ruin the experience. Here, I’m gonna explain the details for you…”

The guide’s information went to deaf ears for Richard. He kept staring at the athletic blond man, but couldn’t comprehend what he was explaining. Richard was too busy with trying to maintain a normal look even though he had a turmoil inside him, mixtures of fear and anxiety, but also, a hint of anticipation. This could be a step forward from the fears that started in his teenage years when he had fallen and broken his back, but magically, had survived alive and well - mostly it was his mind that had been wounded from the experience, still following him at the age of 32. 

“So, in case of emergency, just call me or Stina next to me…”

One word Richard was able to catch though. _ Emergency? _ His heart skipped a beat. _ This was supposed to be completely safe, right? Why the hell is he talking about emergency then? _

_ Oh Christ, why did I sign up for this? _

“Okay, we’re done now! Any further questions?” The tour guide looked at the group, but no one said anything: it was time for the action to start then.

Richard was sure that the time had slowed down and he had to concentrate thoroughly on every step he was taking. 

“Is everything okay honey?” Emma asked. “Just stay close to me and the guide and it will be fine. I bet the view will be stunning up there!” 

“W-why did he talk about an emergency?” Richard asked with a shaky voice he couldn’t hide anymore. “Is there something we should be worried about? I don’t understand why he said at first that it’s completely safe and then started to talk about what could go wrong. Have you checked any statistics on how many have... injured or died doing this?”

“Those were just safety instructions, it doesn’t mean there’s gonna be an actual emergency. The probability is lower than winning the jackpot in the lottery.” Emma smiled and tried to lighten up the tense mood of her husband. “But if you feel like it, we can still back up and it’s totally fine. Are you with me in this or do you want to do something else instead?”

Richard studied his muddy hiking shoes when he replied: “I will be with you. I always keep my promises.”

“You are so brave to do this. Let’s have fun, shall we?”

“Ok, if you say so honey, if you say so.”

When they reached the point where they were going to start climbing to the rooftops Paul couldn’t maintain his distance to the couple anymore. He was going to participate in the climbing as well, as the producer wanted “authenticity” which meant him being as close as he could to the newly-weds, partaking in their life during the show. 

From now on, Paul had to change into a GoPro camera as it was too risky to take his normal gear to the rooftops.

While he was setting his stuff, he glanced at Richard who didn’t look well - he was more pallid than normally. “Everything ok?” Paul asked, speaking the first time to the other man that day.

“Y-yes,” Richard replied, not very convincingly. He cleared his throat. “I just... slept very badly last night.” Shrugging his shoulders and flashing a fake smile he added: “No need to worry about me.”

Paul opened his mouth, about to ask further questions when the tour guide interrupted them. “Okay, up we go then! Have fun and enjoy the view even though it’s drizzling! At least there’s no fog today. Actually, that reminds me of one story when I was working in Ireland...” The tour guide simply couldn’t stop his rambling.

The group started to climb and Richard still hesitated. Emma, on the other hand, was excited like a little girl in a candy shop that she didn’t notice her husband was immediately left behind. She had traveled a lot, trying different activities, so this was a piece of cake for her.

Richard glanced behind his back not sure should he proceed or not. 

“It’s totally fine, I’m right behind you,” Paul said, waiting for Richard’s next move patiently. “Just take your time.”

Richard chuckled. “Just between you and me, I’m a bit nervous here, so I apologize being slow.”

Paul nodded. “Alles ist gut.”

The presence of Paul and the soothing words said with his melodic voice managed to distract Richard from his concerns so well that they managed to reach the first rooftop quicker than they could have expected. The rest of the group was way ahead of them, but the two men didn’t care.

Stopping and looking at the distance, Paul said: “Wow, this is stunning! I need to come here some other time with my own camera.”

Richard came next to the other man, but he realized he had made a mistake when he looked down at the busy streets. Flashes of the most severe accident in his life thus far came to his mind and he clenched his hands into fists, gritting his teeth at the same time. The rusty sound of the ladder breaking under his feet reverberated in his ears, making him almost deaf.

When Richard hadn’t said anything for a while Paul turned and sensed that everything wasn’t alright. “Richard?”

“I-I d-don’t…” Richard started, but couldn’t speak out loud properly. The rapid heartbeat reached his ears, making a disturbing soundtrack with the relived rusty noise from the incident in his teenagehood. Cold sweat started to pour from his forehead and he was sure that everyone was going to laugh at him. 

_ Chicken. Coward. Chicken. Faggot! _ the accusing voices repeated. _ A fucking coward! Schwul! _

The moment when he had fallen from that tower in the factory area seemed so real now. When his short life had flashed behind his eyes Richard had been sure he was going to be dead then - and he was sure that it was going to be repeated now. 

“I’m... I’m going to die,” Richard said with a distant voice.

“What... what the hell are you talking about?” Paul asked and raised an eyebrow. “Are you ill?”

“I’m going to die, Paul,” Richard repeated and had difficulties to catch his breath. “I’m going to die, oh fuck, this was a bad idea, I’m a coward, I’m going to die…” he rambled unclearly.

Richard slumped onto his knees to the wet metal roof and buried his face into his hands. He started to sob uncontrollably. “I’m going to die, I’m going to die…” Totally embarrassed, he was feeling as helpless as he was when he had been 15 and everybody had constantly kept calling him with names.

For a second Paul almost panicked as well, but managed to gather himself - he knew he had to act now, for his friend’s sake. With a firm, but gentle voice, he stated: “Let’s get out of here.” 

He put his arm around Richard’s waist and started to guide him down the stairs. Richard was shaking so much that Paul had to keep him tightly against his own body. With all of his strength, he tried not to think about last night’s bizarre erotic dreams with Richard.

With a throb in his own head as well Paul wondered for a while what had happened. Had he said something wrong that had triggered something in Richard? Was there something his friend hadn’t told him? 

Suddenly, a flash of memory of what Richard had told them yesterday at the dinner came to Paul’s mind.

_ “Actually… I’m scared of heights. I’ve never been good with heights,” _Richard had said with such a nonchalant voice that Paul hadn’t noted it earlier, but now, the other man’s panic started to make sense: the pieces of the puzzles fit when Paul comprehended what Richard had meant yesterday.

_ You poor man. I’m here for you, so don’t worry, _Paul thought but remained silent. He had to focus now.

Paul pushed his emotions and embarrassment aside and concentrated on only one thing: helping his friend in need who was on the verge of a severe panic attack.

When they were finally back on the ground, now totally lost of the rest of the group, they hid themselves to the small alley nearby. Paul made it sure there weren’t curious eyes around them. His knowledge of how to deal with panic attacks was shallow, but what he knew was that the victim had to be kept safe. 

Richard was still sobbing and trembling, so Paul put his own jacket on the other man’s shoulders. Even though he was still scared of what had happened last night, Paul took his friend’s hand and said: “Richard, look at me.” 

When Richard raised his head and looked at his friend with red swollen eyes, Paul continued: “Everything’s gonna be alright. I’m here with you. I’m not going anywhere.” Then, he squeezed Richard’s hand reassuringly. “You panicked and we came down. We are safe now so no big deal. Your autonomic nervous system is overreacting and it scared you off. It’s totally ok. You are not alone. Just stay with me.”

“I-I’m such a loser…” Richard kept sobbing. “I... I hope this is not going to be on tv. Everyone’s gonna laugh at me.”

Paul shook his head. “You are not a loser, don’t you dare to say things like that. And this is not going to be on the tv.” Intuitively, an idea popped up into his mind. “Here’s what we are gonna do: I will help you with breathing, just follow me, ok?”

When Richard barely nodded, Paul started: “Inhale, 1,2,3, exhale, 1,2,3, inhale…” 

They repeated the process for a while when Paul noticed Richard was able to breathe properly again. “You did great. I’m proud of you.”

Still, Richard looked concerned and Paul started to feel uncomfortable when his mind started to admire the other man’s eyes again when the worst edge of the panic was over.

_ Fucking hell. Should I tell him? No way, this is not about me now. Concentrate, _Paul thought and still kept caressing Richard’s hand, neither of them saying anything.

Richard broke the tense silence eventually: “Paul…”

“Y-y...” the other man stuttered when he was woken up from his thoughts and cleared his throat. “...yes.”

“I-I want to tell you something. I need to... confess something.”

Paul gulped but hid his nervousness. Whatever it was coming next he had to stay calm, for Richard’s sake. “You can tell me anything.”

Richard sighed and tears started to burn his eyes again after a brief pause. “Please... don’t hate me.”

Subconsciously, Paul leaned closer to Richard. “ I could never hate you, my friend. What are you--”

His words were cut when Richard clashed his wet and cool lips on the other man without any warning. Paul couldn’t answer anyhow, he just kept staying there on his knees. He was like a statue, suddenly forgetting what a human being was supposed to do when somebody was kissing him.

_ So, this was what he needed to tell me. What. The. Hell. _

When they parted Richard looked like he had seen a ghost as he came into realization what he had done. He didn’t say anything when Paul stood up like a spring and took a distance.

“W-what did just happen?” Paul mumbled eyes wide with shock. “W-what? How?”

Before anything could be explained a familiar female voice interrupted them: “Richard, RICHARD!” 

They both turned to look who was coming and in no time, Emma was with them, ignoring Paul completely when she kneeled down next to her husband.

“Richard, thank God, what is happening, are you alright?” she said and had a hard time biting back her sobs. “Honey, answer me! What happened?”

When Emma took her husband into her embrace Richard still looked at the baffled Paul in front of him, with begging eyes full of aching. 

_ Please, don’t hate me. _

Paul wanted so badly to take Richard into his arms, pour everything, reveal how much he cared about him - but of course, he couldn’t. _ Fucking fuck. _The best thing at this point would be to leave the couple by themselves, but he had frozen to his place, unable to give commands to his legs anymore.

When Emma parted from Richard she was a while confused why her husband hadn’t responded anyhow: nor physically or verbally. She turned her head to look behind her back where Richard seemed to be staring. 

At first, while being in shock, Emma hadn’t realized that Paul was present and had been looking at them all this time. She gawked at their cameraman, her pretty emerald eyes now narrowed in hatred. Paul couldn’t help but think that she resembled a snake now. 

“You. You did this to him,” Emma hissed, her voice exuding with venom. She pointed at Paul like ready to tear the poor man apart with her gaze only. “This is your fault. You are going into his head, doing your own tricks. You look so innocent, but I know what you are up to.” 

Then she stood up and stated with a voice of determination: “But _ I’ll _ make sure it’s gonna end right here, right now.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> Not a new chapter (yet), but just wanted to stop by and inform you that my co-writer has retreated from the project, so this story is now owned by me. I'm emotionally attached to this story so no worries, it will continue. I'm working on a new chapter atm.  
The name is now changed into "Married at the first sight" because even though in the prompt it was written "on the first sight" the first one sounds better to my ears. The summary is also changed, but all the chapters have been untouched. I hope you'll stay tuned still and sorry for the hiatus. :-)
> 
> In the meantime, may I present you this lovely artwork @cherrisplace from Tumblr made for me, inspired by this fic! Thank you so much, I'm so amazed and flattered for this. ~


	10. No hard feelings, please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes the actual chapter! The boys will be tortured with angst for the next parts, but I promise there will be fluff coming eventually - but first, some painful pining.

The pounding of Paul’s heart was deafening. For every breath, he had to concentrate with all of his strength. He kept panting, being dizzy because of his feelings swirling in his head. It was still impossible to comprehend what had just happened - and even worse, what was going to happen next.

_ Richard kissed me. _

_ He _ ** _fucking_ ** _ kissed me. _

_ I… I can’t believe it. _

Richard’s wife’s piercing gaze in front woke Paul up from his fluffy thoughts. “Are you even listening to me?” Emma asked. “I have no fucking clue what you are up to, but get out of our lives you fucking snake!”

_ She has every right to be angry at me. This all is my fault. She is right, _ Paul repeated in his mind, full of self-accusation. He opened and closed his mouth, trying to form something to say, but to no avail. There weren’t any words in any language that could ease the situation and reverse what had happened between the two men - the other one being _ freaking _ married. Paul was afraid the woman would hit him right in the face soon even how well he would try to explain the situation.

Paul gulped audibly and tried to avoid the fierce gaze still fixed on him. He had always despised the ones who flirted with already taken people - and to his horror, he had turned into a that kind of a person: not only merely flirting, but taking action as well. That was way beyond crossing the boundaries.

_ I’m in love with your husband. He kissed me and I have no idea anymore what the hell is happening in my life. _

_ I’m sorry. Just fucking smack me in the face if you feel so. I don’t care about anything anymore. _

When Emma stepped closer, not breaking the eye contact, Paul started mumbling vaguely: “Y-you know what, y-you’re m-maybe right.”

“Stop your bullshit already,” Emma said and sneered. “I don’t feel sorry for you the slightest bit. You are ruining our lives. He’s _ mine _ and you should know your place_._”

Paul nodded and quickly glanced at Richard who was still sitting on the wet tarmac, staring at the distance with blank, swollen eyes. It was difficult to know was the other man comprehending what was going on around him or had his psyche been shut down momentarily because of the panic attack. 

Even though how broken and vulnerable Richard looked, Paul had to admit the man was still absolutely gorgeous. He wouldn’t have wanted to stick in his original plan of retreating from the show, but there was no choice. Like Emma had said, Paul should leave them alone and that was exactly what he was going to do: end this whole mess before it would escalate even more.

Snapping out of his thoughts completely before he could make Richard’s wife even more furious, Paul looked at her and stated: “But you two don’t need to worry about me for long anymore. I… I have decided to quit. It’s best for everyone as I only seem to make your lives miserable.”

Confusion flashed on Emma’s pretty, yet scorning face. She raised her hand and for a moment, Paul imagined how she’d dig her long nails into his neck - like an angry female tiger, proving what was hers. “You and your lousy excuses, what… what is that supposed to mean?” She threw her hands in the air and shouted: “You ruined my fucking honeymoon!” Some of the people who were passing by noticed there was some kind of argument going on, but they just ignored them politely.

Paul straightened his back, but he was still shorter than the woman in front of him. He was about to explain his plans but got distracted when Richard behind them had something on his mind.

“Wait… stop it… right there you two,” Richard said with a voice so faint it was merely audible. “Just fucking… stop. Emma, calm down.” He turned to look at Paul, their eyes meeting for a brief moment before Paul bowed his head and bit his lower lip. “He hasn’t done anything wrong. If something here is someone’s fault, I’m the one to blame,” Richard stated surprisingly clearly.

Both Paul and Emma had frozen to their places when Richard repeated: “It’s not his fault… he hasn’t done anything wrong...” He tried to stand up but was still too weak so he slumped back to his former place, cursing silently.

Gathering herself again, Emma ran to her husband and crouched next to him. “What is it honey, just tell me, please. What… what did you mean?”

When Richard just shook his head and didn’t say anything, Emma was about to lose her mind. “Please, you can tell me anything!” she shouted in desperation.

Whatever was supposed to come next, it didn’t have a chance to be expressed out loud: they were greeted with a loud exclamation - the tour guide had finally found them. 

“Herre God!” He spotted the trio and ran to them as fast as he could.

When he reached them, he panted and asked: “What… what is going on?” He couldn’t read anything from the situation - everyone seemed as bemused as him. “Are you… are you guys okay? Is someone hurt?”

The tour guide stopped in front of Richard and his wife and when he looked at the man more thoroughly, he realized there was something fishy in this. His jaw dropped almost to the ground. “Jesus, you look terrible,” he said. “You poor man, are you alright?”

Richard was still unable to say anything - he looked like he was about to burst into crying at any minute.

Emma stood up. “I have no fucking clue either and I’m his _ wife.” _She put emphasis on the last word on purpose - Paul had a hard time preventing a snort coming out of his mouth.

The tour guide and Emma both started to bomb poor Richard with questions.

“What happened?”

“Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“Did someone hurt you?”

“Is there something we could do?”

“Do you need something to eat or drink?”

All of this babbling was too much.

“CAN YOU JUST LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE!” Richard shouted while Paul cringed visibly, almost jumping in the air. Richard clenched his hands into fists - his eyes were on fire, both with frustration and distress. “YOU DON’T HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH NOW SO JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! For fuck’s sake...”

When he had realized what he had just burst out, Richard looked like something snapped inside him and buried his face into his hands, now starting to cry. “Jesus… just let me out of here…”

Emma and the tour guide backed up and mumbled vague apologies - at the same time, Paul knew this was his opportunity.

With the one last glance, fighting back the annoying pressure on his eyes, he chickened out from the situation and just left: without saying a word, without any explanations. 

And how he felt his heart was shattered into a thousand pieces - but he couldn’t be selfish anymore; he just couldn’t. Richard deserved better, deserved to be protected at all costs.

The summer rain, accompanied by the greyest clouds possible reflected Paul’s mood perfectly. He couldn’t care less though - not the slightest bit. 

_ Fucking fuck. Why did I have to fall for him? _

_ From all of the people in this world… him? _

_ Fuck this. Fuck emotions. Fuck my life. _

_ Fuck Richard, fuck Emma. Fuck this tv show, fuck this city. _

When Paul had made it sure he had a safe distance from everyone, he turned to a dark alley and slumped next to a trash bin.

Burying his face into his hands, he started sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

“Fucking fuck, fuck, shit FUUUCK!” he swore out loud. “I HATE MYSELF!”

What a mess - and only _ his _ fault.

He cursed the moment when he had accepted to take this job.

~***~

Back in Berlin the rainy days were gone, making a way to a ridiculously hot day of summer, completely opposite to Paul’s grim mood. Two days ago, he had flown back home, pleased when he’d had a seat in the plane far away from the couple. 

But of course, he couldn’t have avoided them forever.

_ The plane landed to Berlin and Paul sighed in relief. The flight had been less than two hours, but the cameraman still felt like he had flown to another continent. Even coffee, his juice of life, hadn’t cheered his mood up. _

_ “Thank you for flying with Lufthansa. We wish you a pleasant stay in Berlin and wish to see you again!” _

_ Sighing in relief, Paul took his suitcase and was about to proceed in the narrow corridor of the airplane. When he passed Emma and Richard he just nodded but didn’t say anything. To his horror though, there was an empty space just after him and of course, Richard decided to stand right behind their cameraman. _

** _Scheisse._ **

_ Paul trembled, but hoped his trepidation wasn’t visible - he could literally feel Richard’s breathing right at the nape of his neck. _

_ When they were out, Paul tried to elude the couple, but Richard was quicker - and too stubborn to lose his cameraman this easily.. _

_ “Wait!” Richard shouted and ran towards Paul who just started to pace quicker. It was impossible to hide the fact he was avoiding Richard on purpose, so Paul didn’t care anymore. _

_ Richard managed to catch him though and grabbed Paul from his arm, forcing the cameraman to interact with him. “Jesus, I thought I’d lose you. What is going on?” _

_ Paul gulped and looked at the other man like a terrified rabbit at the mercy of a hungry fox. “N-nothing, why?” He tried to act nonchalant, but he was a lousy liar. _

_ “You have barely talked to me during recent days,” Richard said and squeezed Paul’s arm tighter. “Please, just speak to me. Any sign that you are not just an empty shell… I… I miss you.” His voice had a begging tone. “Even if you are upset at me, it’s totally fine. Just… something else than... this.” _

_ Paul shook his head. “I… I just think there’s nothing to say.” _

_ “Why do you think so?” Richard asked and tilted his head. Paul was annoyed when a brief thought of “fuck, why he must be so cute” flashed in his mind. _

_ Shaking himself off from the grip, Paul stated: “Look, things are more complicated than you think. Your wife is waiting so you sh--” _

_ “What was that bullshit about you quitting with us?” Richard interrupted, his voice breaking a bit. “Was it true? I know I probably went too far, but I just need you to know…” _

_ “Richard, you have grown very dear to me, but I can’t be selfish anymore. I just want you to live your life happily. Trust me when I say it’s best for both of us if I leave.” _

_ Emma had just gotten her luggage and was approaching. Before she was with them, Richard took Paul’s hand and said: “Please, don’t… don’t leave me.” _

_ Even though how pleasant the proximity felt, Paul had to withdraw - the last thing he wanted was to arise another argument with Richard’s wife. “I’m... I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for ruining this for you. I’ll talk with my boss and you’ll get a new cameraman as soon as possible. _

_ Ignoring the nasty clutch in his stomach, caused by the other man’s pain, Paul just simply said his last words: “It was… nice ‘til it lasted, but… goodbye, Richard.” _

_ Richard looked at Paul with glossy eyes. “Don’t... don’t do this…” _

_ But his begging went to deaf ears: Paul turned his back, leaving the confused Richard standing there alone before his wife joined him. _

_ Paul didn’t know what happened then - and he didn’t even want to know. _

_ It was over for him - for them. _

Trying the get rid of the painful memory, Paul stepped into the tv studio - so familiar, yet now making him nauseous. In his mind, he was accusing this stupid tv program making him such an emotional mess. 

Greeting a couple of his co-workers Paul then headed to the showrunner’s, called Herr Hartmann, office. He had insisted the cameraman to come straight away to him when Paul was back at work.

Paul knocked on the door and was greeted by a vague exclamation - he supposed that was an invitation to come in.

“Guten Morgen,” Paul muttered to his boss and tried to hide the exhaustion. He had barely slept recently - it was visible both in his appearance and in his voice.

Raising his head from the computer, Hartmann beamed when he saw who was by his door. “Ahh, Landers, guten Morgen!” he exclaimed unexpectedly cheerfully. ”Welcome back, how was your trip?”

Paul stepped into the office, but still remained standing. “I guess it was… tolerable.” He simply shrugged and tried to prevent his boss’ excited and curious eyes. Paul hoped Hartmann couldn’t read that his employee was miles away from okay.

“That’s excellent!” Hartmann replied. To Paul’s relief, his boss was either dumb or busy enough not to ask any further questions. 

The showrunner gestured a chair in front of his desk. “Please, have a seat, we have a lot to discuss.”

An awkward silence fell upon them when Paul sat down. He kept glancing at the walls, hoping he could get out as soon as possible. It was a similar feeling when sitting at the dentist’s clinic, anticipating terrified in the waiting area what was going to happen next. At the moment, Paul would gladly take five root canals instead of this interrogation though. He knew perfectly well his boss wasn’t an easy person to deal with and the news the cameraman was about to tell wasn’t going to please him.

Hartmann took his glasses off and leaned back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head. “So, before you left I told you I want to hear everything that is happening on the honeymoon. Why didn’t you send me anything?”

Paul gulped audibly. _ Shit, here we go, act as you would have forgotten... _“It was... weekend so I didn’t want to disturb you. I kinda… forgot.”

“Paulieee,” the producer said with a way too intimate tone like they would have been the best buddies. “You know it doesn’t matter what time of the day or week it is if there’s some juicy material.” The man was a worse gossiper than the characters from Sex and The City although how much he tried to deny it.

Raising an eyebrow, Paul asked: “What do you mean exactly with ‘juicy’?” He cleared his throat. “Nothing… very special happened on their honeymoon. And I’m not, of course, allowed to go to their bedroom, so…” 

“Scandal, drama, humor, anything!” Hartmann shouted and throw his hands in the air. “People love to see conflict, safely from their living rooms.” He was on purpose leading their discussion to the thing why he had invited his favorite cameraman here in the first place. “Speaking of it, by the way, the marriage episode of this umm… what was the name of that gothic guy you have been filming…”

“Richard Kruspe.” The name that was able to send shivers down Paul’s spine.

Hartmann snapped his fingers. “Aa yeah, of course, that one!” It was difficult to tell had he really forgotten the name or was this just his tricks. “Yesterday, we aired the episode of this guy getting married and guess what!”

_ I’m not sure do I want to know. _ “Y-yes?”

Leaning forward closer to Paul, Hartmann flashed an enigmatic smile on his wry face. He had a gold front tooth that reminded Paul of some villain from James Bond. “The ratings have never been this high. They were literally roaring!” The showrunner stood up and it looked like he was going to start jumping around at any minute. “I have no fucking clue how you managed to do it, but the material was spectacular! Congratulations!”

Paul scratched the nape of his neck. “Umm, thanks…”

“We need more material from this Kruspe guy and his wife. Social media is booming! They seem to be _ the _ couple of this season.” Hartmann sat on the table now. He crossed his legs and placed a hand under his chin, scrutinizing his employee. “And no one knows them as well as you. Whatever you are doing, you are doing it perfectly. We must continue! We must focus entirely on this Kruspe guy! There is something in that man that fascinates the viewers.” He let out an unexpectedly girly giggle and with a voice barely audible, added: “Maybe he’s already just so fucked-up that people want to know more about him. Who knows, but I have a perfect task for you…”

“...which is?” This was getting worse than Paul had expected. He hadn’t even had a chance to speak because of the enthusiasm of his boss.

Hartmann just kept grinning like an idiot and pointed at Paul. “I want _ you _ to get as close as possible to this Kruspe and dug out the skeletons from his past,” he whispered and chuckled. “Childhood traumas, secret lovers, kinks, anything. The audience is hungry to get more so let’s give them what they want!”

“I’m not doing that,” Paul stated with a firm voice and stood up - there was fire in his eyes. “Jesus Christ, I know the entertainment business is cruel, but this is getting too far, even for you.”

The grin faded from Hartmann’s face - he was a man who was used to get what he wanted. He let out an exasperated sigh. “Listen Landers, I’m giving you way more freedom than anyone in this channel, so you should be grateful!” His mood was changing from the other end to the opposite. “I could send you right back to The Toddlers’ Afternoon this second if you are not following my guidelines!”

“Well actually, I don’t fucking care,” Paul said and crossed his arms. “Why I came here in the first place was that I was going to inform you I wanted to retreat from this project, so find yourself someone else to stalk that poor man. He has suffered enough already.”

The showrunner blinked his eyes. “You… you WHAT?”

“I said I want to retreat from this project,” Paul stated, without even blinking an eye. “And I have every right to do so.”

“And why the hell now when we are about to hit the records?” Hartmann stood up and started pacing around. He stopped only inches away from his employee’s face and pointed a finger at him. “Landers, this is no joke, we have been struggling for months and now when it’s finally starting to blossom again it’s not like you can just walk away when you want!” Paul didn’t know was it just his imagination or was there actually steam coming out of his boss’ red ears. “You are _ mine _ and if I say you must get as close as you can to this fucking Kruspy or whatever he was, you must obey!”

“His name is Richard _ Kruspe_,” Paul said behind gritted teeth, “and you know perfectly well I have a right to choose where I want to work. Right now, I’m not accepting this gossipy way you are turning this show into. Besides, I didn’t get along with Richard and his wife, so I want a transfer.”

Hartmann snorted sarcastically. “A transfer to where?”

“Anywhere. Just put me in that fucking kids’ show if necessary, but I’m not going near to those two anymore.”

Hartmann sat again by his desk and closed his eyes, massaging his temples - a nice little Monday morning’s migraine attack was forming. “Landers, I have never seen you like this before. What the fuck happened in Stockholm?”

“It’s not your business.”

Hartmann opened his eyes and looked at his employee. “I’m your _ fucking _ boss, so excuse me little princess, but it’s _ all _ my business.” Paul had always been one of his best and amenable workers so the showrunner couldn’t get what this was about now. “What made you this upset? And don’t you dare to tell me you don’t have the material from the couple’s honeymoon. Both the channel and Bild magazine are willing to pay a fortune from the footage…”

Paul took his camera and work laptop from his bag and almost threw them on the table. “Take the _ fucking _ footage then, but I’m not willing to continue anymore.”

Then, the cameraman decided it was time to leave. This was most likely the end of his career here, but he couldn’t care less - Hartmann deserved to be shaken from his power at least once. 

The arrogant showrunner still tried though. “Landers, one last warning, you ca--”

Flashing the rudest hand gesture known in the western world Paul slammed the door close - the glass walls were shaking a bit when he stepped out of the office.

The first time in his life, Hartmann was left speechless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the waiting was worth it and you liked the chapter. ^-^ Next, it's going to be Richard's POV for this mess.


	11. A friend in need

The fan of an air conditioner hummed while Richard kept staring at it like it would have been the most stimulating thing he had ever seen in his life. This Monday afternoon, straight after work he had come to Emma’s place as they had settled before.

But Richard didn’t know whether it was a good idea or not to come here - his whole mind was a mess and it was already troublesome to hide his agony even physically anymore. He had no appetite and hadn’t slept properly because of his thoughts - there were just too many unsettled things between him and Paul.

“Is everything ok, honey?” Emma interrupted the train of thought. She was standing behind a stove and moved herself a bit to have a better look at her husband who had been sitting on a sofa silently since he had arrived. “Would you like to have a drink or something?”

“Everything’s totally fine, I’m just a bit tired after work. I don’t need anything, thanks.” _ Like I have said a thousand times already. _Richard didn’t even believe himself anymore but he wasn’t in the mood of talking right now - especially with his curious wife.

Emma moved her focus back to frying steaks. “Okay, but just tell me if you need anything, okay?”

Richard mumbled something vague back and kept staring at the fan still. 

The fact that Paul had disappeared after Richard’s panic attack in Stockholm had wounded him deeply. Why did the cameraman have to leave? Had Richard gone too far in the end? Was there any solution to this mess?

Slouching deeper into the sofa material, Richard sighed: maybe the truth was that Paul hated him after all. And what was even worse, Richard hadn’t had a chance to apologize.

_ I should have known the kiss was too much. Of course, it was. He doesn’t like you that way, you moron, _Richard accused himself in his mind. 

An urge to have a millionth smoke today was hard to resist so Richard stood up and headed towards the balcony.

“Honey, we have discussed that smoking habit earlier,” Emma said. “You know I don’t like it.”

Richard stopped and glanced behind his shoulder. “Well, I’m sorry if you didn’t get what you wanted when you attended to this stupid show,” he stated dryly and went to the balcony, slamming the glass door behind him a bit too loud. 

Listening to the sounds of the bustling of the city, commuters coming home from work, schoolers enjoying their summer freedom, and couples heading for a romantic night together at some fancy restaurant, Richard lighted up a cigarette and sunk back into his own thoughts.

He had always been an introvert, but especially recently, Richard had felt like he was totally drowned into his own bizarre world. He somehow still functioned, but nothing gave him satisfaction. Accusing thoughts were revolving around his head and he wasn’t sure how he should deal with them. There was no one he could tell about them: for Emma, of course not. Paul… well, he was lost already. Probably Till, but it was difficult to make a move as Richard wasn’t so fond of the idea of dragging his best friend to this turmoil. 

The images from the honeymoon were impossible to shake off and the nasty clutch in his stomach informed about itself when the cameraman's surprised face formed in front of Richard’s eyes. He gulped when the sensation of the other man’s lips was so vivid again: how soft it had felt when Paul’s lips had brushed his - just enough to get a tiny trial how it might be to get _ intimate _ with him.

What troubled Richard the most was that why Paul had responded to him even if it had lasted only a nanosecond - it surely had made an impact. Normally, if a person hated to be kissed, he would withdraw immediately, right? _ Right? _

Richard shook his head and looked at the sky with blank eyes. _ You are just having high hopes for something that could never happen. Get a life, Richard. Get your shit together and move on. _ Maybe if he admitted that Paul was lost from him and it was only his own fault it would make him feel better and eventually, forget him. Maybe they could be friends again when the time went on. Who knew. 

But _ fuck_, how difficult it was to prevent the torrent of emotions and feelings: the torrent of longing and _ belonging _to someone who didn’t judge him. As a pleasant bonus who was attractive as hell and who had been haunting Richard’s sexually derived dreams recently.

An annoyed grunt came out of Richard’s mouth. _ Fuck this. _ Right now, more than anything he would have wanted to just push his knuckle through the glass door of the balcony, wishing it would release the tension inside him - transfer the pressure somewhere else.

But right here, right now the only thing he could do was to pretend everything was totally fine even though there was a nasty bug eating him alive.

_ I fucking hate this. I fucking hate what I have done. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wish I could go back and say to Till when he suggested attending to this show that thanks, but I’m not interested. _

Speaking of his best friend, Richard realized he hadn’t called him or even sent a message for a while. Maybe he should still consider contacting Till - now, more than ever, he needed a friend. Richard knew that anyway, at some point, his friend would get curious and ask details about his honeymoon.

_ Hey, what’s up, man? I’ve been back to Berlin for two days already. Hell of a trip it was, _Richard typed.

In no time, there was an answer - seemed like Till had waited for his friend’s contact. _ Hey little fucker, I thought you had left your pretty ass in Stockholm! So, how was it? Tell me everything! I hope you got laid. ;)” _

Richard simply typed: _ It was a fucking disaster. I’ll tell you later, _before Emma came right behind his back.

“Who are you texting with?” she asked.

Richard put the phone back into his pocket and tried to act nonchalant. “With Till.”

When Emma raised an eyebrow, Richard cleared: “You remember the guy size of a fridge from our wedding?”

“Aa, yeah, that guy! I almost thought you were chatting with…” she started, but stopped before she burst out her thoughts.

“With whom?”

Emma flashed a smile that didn’t reach her eyes though. “Nevermind. Dinner is ready!”

Refusing to let her go, especially when she’d had a notably accusing tone in her question, Richard grabbed the woman from her shoulders and turned her to face him. “What did you think I was doing?”

Emma didn’t want to meet her husband’s eyes. “I thought you were texting with that… that…” she stammered, “c-cameraman.”

Richard let go of the woman and snorted. “Seriously… he said he will retreat so it’s done between us. Forget it. Why do you have to accuse me about everything all the time?”

“...’done between us’?” Emma asked, ignoring her husband’s last question. “So you admit there was something between you and Paul?”

“What? I didn’t mean that!” Richard started to get annoyed.

Taking a step back, Emma scrutinized her husband from head to toe, like a polygraph. “It almost sounded like I was right and you _ had _ something going on after all.”

Richard rolled his eyes. “Oh dear God, not again…”

“Did you see how he looked at you? How he followed us everywhere, huh?” Emma said, her voice getting louder and louder. “In my opinion you spent more time with him in Stockholm than with me. We were supposed to get to know each other, but instead, you just fell for the spell of that freaking snake!”

Richard buried his face in his hand and mumbled: “Oh dear Jesus, this is going in circles… just like at the airport… I knew it was a bad idea to come here...”

The fresh memory, only from two days ago, started to come back to the surface.

_ After Paul had left, leaving Richard standing in the middle of the huge terminal like a lost child, Emma had caught him. _

_ She pointed at Paul’s back that was merely visible from the crowd anymore. “What did he want this time?” _

_ “I... I just needed to say a couple of things to him and… say a farewell,” Richard mumbled. “He is… really leaving.” _

_ “Well, that’s good.” _

_ Richard turned to look at his wife and narrowed his eyes. “Stop saying mean things like that. You have no idea what is going on. Nothing is his fault.” _

_ Emma dropped her luggage and crossed her arms. “I would know what is going on if you’d mind telling me.” _

_ Richard shook his head. “You just don’t understand… you are just making your own assumptions and not even listening to me.” _

_ In desperation, Emma tried to fix the situation. “I’m sorry, but I’d just like you to talk to me more.” _

_ She reached out to take her husband’s hand, but Richard refused to grasp it. Instead, he just stated: “Let’s get out of here.” _

On the taxi trip back home neither of them had said anything. Later on, Emma had sworn she had just been tired and asked Richard to come to her place after work on Monday, so here he was - and the same things kept going in circles.

Richard was tired of this - tired of making everyone upset just by his presence.

“Emma, if you don’t have anything else to say than accusing either me or the man who is not even involved in our life anymore, can you just keep your mouth shut?” Richard burst out, heavily panting. 

Emma’s eyes were glossy. “Why do you… why are you so mean? Why are you shutting yourself down from me? We had a good start, I don’t understand what is happening… What did I do wrong?”

Without saying anything, Richard rushed past his wife. In the living room, he took his backpack.

“Where are you going now?” Emma shouted still being in the balcony.

“Somewhere I should have gone in the first place,” Richard replied before he was on the corridor of an apartment building, taking a lift down and hoping his wife wouldn’t follow him.

~***~

“Guten Tag,” Richard muttered when his friend opened the door with only in his boxers and an oversized t-shirt.

“Good to see you, man!” Till exclaimed, genuinely happy to see his friend. When he took a second look though, his jaw almost dropped to the ground. “J-jesus, you look terrible! What has happened, you look like a truck has crushed you on the way.”

“Thanks, as I didn’t know it myself,” Richard said with an exhausted tone. “Are you willing to let this ‘terrible man’ inside your apartment still?”

Stepping aside from the doorway, Till replied: “O-of course, of course. You know you are always welcome. But why didn’t you tell me you are coming over?”

Richard stepped in and dropped his small bag on the floor. Both men were standing in the tight entryway right next to each other, Richard’s slightly red eyes fixed on his friend’s.

“Reesh, can you t--” Till started, but cringed when without any prior warning Richard entwined his arms around his friend’s wide body and started sobbing like a baby.

For a nanosecond Till thought _ what the fuck is happening here_, but gathered himself back and squeezed his friend tightly without asking further questions. Whatever it was, Richard needed to blow out the tension first.

“It’s alright, it’s alright,” Till soothed, “just tell me what you need. I’m here for you man, alright?”

“It’s been like hell recently… I-I…. need a... fucking…” Richard mumbled, but words got glued to his throat.

Till didn’t say anything, just kept hugging his friend, his head resting on Richard’s shoulder. He hadn’t seen the other man like this in ages so something terrible must have happened.

Calming down a bit, Richard raised his head and said: “To be totally honest, I… I just need a fucking… drink right now…”

They both let out a dry chuckle. “Coming in a minute,” Till answered and let go of his friend’s grip.

“Anything special you want tonight?” Till asked when he was at his booze stash.

“Just anything that sends me into oblivion as fast as possible,” Richard replied and started taking languid steps towards the kitchen - which was more like a closet though.

Till poured a shot of Jägermeister to both of them when they sat down by a table. Richard had calmed down a bit and he drank the shot in record time. Something was seriously wrong.

Crossing his hands and watching closely his friend, Till leaned closer and asked: “I assume there’s something you’d like to tell me?”

Richard looked out of the dirty window and bit his lower lip. “Has it… has it ever happened to you that…” he managed to say before he lost his voice and started crying again.

Reaching out to hold his friend’s hand Till said with a comforting voice: “It’s okay. Take your time.” 

Richard sniffed and still refused to meet his friend’s gentle eyes. “I’m... I’m in a situation that… I’m already with somebody while I can’t stop thinking about… about someone else.” He forced himself to look at the other man, utter pain in his eyes. 

It was a sign for Till to hurry to pour another shot for his friend.

Richard drank the second shot as fast as the first one and asked: “Be honest with me. Am I a horrible person? A complete failure in this stupid little game called life?”

Till shook his head. “Absolutely not. Things like this just happen, but they don’t mean you are horrible. We all are humans, remember.”

“I… I’d like to believe it myself as well, but…”

There was one relevant question burning on Till’s tongue now. “What happened during your honeymoon that made you like this?” 

Richard fidgeted with the tiny shot glass and tried to comprehend for a second how to explain it. “Can you… can you keep a promise you are not telling about this to anyone? Not even to Schneider, Flake, or Ollie.”

“I swear.”

“Okay…” Richard mumbled with a voice barely audible while he nodded. “Well, I try to keep this short, but…”

Richard started telling about everything: of he and Paul spending maybe a bit too much time together in Stockholm, him and Emma having sex, their failed rooftops experience - but when the story was about to hit the worst part, he froze.

While having been merely a listener for a good while, Till couldn’t help it but be curious knowing what had made his friend this anxious. “So, you came down to the streets with Paul, and then what?”

Richard started to tremble and Till got worried. “Reesh?”

Exaggeratedly slowly, Richard turned his head and looked straight at Till’s eyes. He couldn’t believe it himself that he was able to say the next sentence out loud that clearly: “I kissed him.”

Till’s eyes widened but he didn’t say anything for a while.

Before Richard was getting too worried, Till took a sip of water and then asked: “Did he… answer your… kiss?”

“Y… yes,” Richard admitted and bowed his head.

Till nodded. “Did he say anything after that?”

“That is what troubles me the most. Emma and the tour guide came so quickly and started hassling around me. Then, I noticed Paul was gone and we haven’t talked since.” Richard bit his bottom lip so hard it hurt and studied his nails. “I’m… I’m worried he will hate me for the rest of his life. That I managed to ruin our friendship already with this stupid act. It was just… too much, too quickly, but I wasn’t being myself then.”

Till leaned back from his chair and put his hands behind his head. He didn’t bother to hide the fact that a grin was forming on his face even though his friend still was devastated.

A snort came out of Richard’s mouth - he was frustrated and now his friend was… amused? “You think this is funny?” 

“No, no, not like that,” Till said and cleared his throat. “You remember once when we were teenagers and you had a crush on that girl… What was her name…”

Richard raised an eyebrow. “Christina? How is she involved in any of this?”

“Aa yeah, her! Well anyway, sorry, but in your eyes… there’s that same gaze you had when you told me how much you loved her and wanted to share everything with her and all that shit…”

“Hey, that’s unfair!” Richard tried to defend himself but cursed silently when his cheeks were getting hot. 

Till leaned forward again. “You know what? If you are in love, screw that tv show, screw your wife if you don’t like her…”

“...I didn’t say I don’t like her. I don’t want to give up this easily,” Richard said. “Just that… living with these emotions is irritating. I’d like to shake them off, but it’s close to impossible.”

“Life’s short so just get what you want before it’s too late,” Till stated - obvious, yet easier said than done.

Richard gazed to the distance. “I just... have no fucking clue what to do next. The last thing I want is to hurt anyone, but I’m afraid I’ve managed to do that already.”

Till stood up and went to his booze stash. “I know what we are going to do.”

“Oh?” Richard’s curiosity was ignited.

Rattling noises were followed by a victorious exclamation when Till raised his hands with two bottles of his homewine in them. “What did you think? Getting drunk, of course!”

~***~

“Ich will FICKEEEEENNNNNNNnnnnnN!” the two men, drunk as lords, shouted in the streets of nightly Berlin when they had finally managed to get out of Till’s apartment.

“Jesus, what is wrong with them, it’s Monday evening,” a jogger said to her friend when they passed by.

Till just smirked and sent a blow kiss to the women. “Hey, c’mon, you are always welcome to join the fun.”

Richard giggled like a teenage girl when the joggers snorted and left as quickly as they could. “They were tight. Maybe you were a bit mean, Tillie...”

Shrugging nonchalantly, Till replied: “But luckily, we are far from tight. It’s always a good time to have a little party!”

They took a couple of trembling steps forward and stopped by a bridge when they out of nowhere decided to hug each other. 

“You are my best buddy,” Till mumbled to his friend’s shoulder. “Best ever… when you signed in to this show I wished so much you could found your love of life… I still do.” He sniffled - his mood was like a rollercoaster.

Richard backed up and almost stumbled on his own shoes. He spread his arms. “Hey, maybe I’m meant to be a loner, y’know? All the signs of the universe seem to show it that way, so maybe I should just give up.”

Shaking his head, Till said: “Don’t be ridiculous… We’ll find you someone...”

Richard started swirling around and chanted some gibberish he had just made up himself.

Till, having a hard time keeping his balance, pointed at his friend. “H-hey, I got an idea.” He snapped his fingers, slow to react to his master idea. “Give me your... phone.”

Feeling dizzy, Richard stopped. “Why… why in the bloody hell I’d… I’d give you my phone?”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course, but I don’t get why you want my phone.”

“Then, stop asking nonsense and obey me,” Till said and offered his hand. “Just give me the goddamn phone.”

Richard mumbled something resembling _ whatever _by himself and dug out the gadget from the pocket of his tight leather pants that had red ribbon as a decoration. On the contrary to his dull office outfits how he really wanted to look was mysterious and gothic - and Till had insisted Richard should wear his best clothes on their night out. 

When Till got the phone and somehow managed to even open the camera with his clumsy motoric skills, he gave his next command: “Okay, pose for me nicely by the bridge. Try to look as sexy as you can.”

Richard let out a burst of dry laughter. “What the fuck, why on earth I’d do that?”

“C’mon, I know you can do it. Just trust me.”

There were no other options given, so Richard just shrugged and started doing his best poses, followed by Till’s “instructions”:

“A bit more left.”

“Lift your ass, it looks nice that way. Show me that juicy booty of yours!”

“No, that’s too much.”

“Ahh, that’s perfect! Do a blow kiss…”

“Stay there for a minute…”

After he had taken several pictures, Till still did something with the phone and smirked when he handed it back to his friend. 

Even in his blurry drunken state, Richard recognized his friend’s mischievous grin - it couldn’t mean anything good. “What did you do?”

“Oh, nothing,” Till said with an innocent tone that failed as he started giggling.

Richard crossed his arms and as alert as a drunken man could manage, said: “Seriously, what is so funny now?”

“Well, I just made you a favor… you should thank me…” Till mumbled and held his stomach as he was giggling so much.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Calming down just enough, Till straightened his back and whispered to Richard’s ear with a husky voice: “I just sent your sexiest pose to your crush.” Then, he stepped back and spread his arms. “What a good friend I am! I deserve an award! When you have your wedding, don’t forget to thank me!”

All the colors of the rainbow flashed on Richard’s face when his sluggish brain started to realize what his friend had just done. _ No fucking way.... _ “You… you… don’t say...”

“I sent a picture of you to Paul, yes.”

As fast as he could Richard dug out the phone back and checked his Whatsapp: and yes, in the contacts there was Paul as first and a picture of Richard taken by Till only seconds ago, followed by a text:

_ Waiting for you by the bridge. When are you joining me, Paulie? ;) (x) _

Richard deleted the message even though how useless it was: Paul had already seen it.


	12. Substitutes

Waking up with the most terrible headache in ages Richard moved into a sitting position with clumsy movements and ran a hand through his sticky hair - a proof he hadn’t showered after last night’s wild pub-hopping with his best buddy. He didn’t even dare to sniff his armpits.

_ Where am I? What the hell is the time? _ Thinking made the headache just worse though: like 50 blacksmiths would have been hammering inside his head, shouting “wake up, you shithead!” straight to Richard’s ear.

Not the most pleasant start for the morning, one could say - but Richard could only blame himself as he had been accepting all the drinks Till had offered him. 

A bitter taste of stomach acid burned his throat when Richard raised from the bed. “T-till?” he tried to call his friend’s name but didn’t see the man anywhere. 

When his nose started working there was a slight hint where his friend could be when Richard noticed a familiar odor of fat and meat from the kitchen: even though how nauseous he was, Richard couldn’t say no to bacon and other fatty foods in this state.

With shaky steps, Richard reached the kitchen and saw his best friend only in an apron - with a witty slogan of “all the ladies love my _ sausage _” and a chef’s hat. Obviously, loyal to his own style, Till had nothing else on so Richard was met by a pale butt. Normal people would have questioned the nudity but for these two men, who shared a long history together, this was totally natural.

Till hummed a melody by himself and shook his booty slightly before he turned. “Oh!” 

“Can you… can you explain why does it taste like catshit in my mouth?” a figure on the entry of Till’s tiny kitchen mumbled.

A grin formed on Till’s face. “Guten Morgen, my sunshine! Was the princess bed good enough for you?” It was a mystery how he was so cheerful even though he had been drinking at least as much as Richard.

“I-I… just need... coffee. A black one,” Richard said with a raspy voice and sat down by the table. He massaged his temples, hoping it miraculously would make his agony to disappear. 

“Do you remember anything from last night?” Till asked and turned to the stove before his eggs would burn. “At least I had the best time of my life. We should go drinking more often if your wife would let you.”

_ Oh yeah right, I had a wife. _The word didn’t help with the migraine. “Where is my phone?”

For whatever reason, Till had the phone in his own pocket and handed it to his friend. “There you go.” Like nothing would have been weird, he just continued making his breakfast and put the coffee to drop.

Richard alternately stared a the phone and Till. “Ex.. excuse me mister, but why the hell _ you _had it?” 

Till shrugged. “Ohh, lots of things were happening last night and just in case I decided it was the best to take it from you before things might escalate.”

Richard opened his phone and all the blood in his body froze when he checked the date and time. There were also several messages but those he managed to ignore for now.

_ 9:30, Tuesday. _

Nothing particular was wrong in that pretty summer Tuesday morning: just that Richard’s work started every single weekday at 8.

Richard stood up from the stool and started pacing around. “Fucking fuck, why didn’t you say anything?”

Till turned the stove off and put his pan aside. Raising an eyebrow he asked with an innocent tone: “What was I supposed to say?”

“Just that normal people usually go to work during weekdays and not oversleep because they have a hangover. Fucking fuck!” Richard yelled and despite his nausea, started gathering his things that were scattered all around Till’s apartment. “I don’t even freaking have my work clothes here… Well, maybe this would do.” He found a white collar shirt from the floor and smelled it, grimacing. “What on earth… well, maybe if I spray deodorant to it it might do.”

When he was kneeling down and gathering his stuff in a panic, Richard first didn’t notice the bear palm on his shoulder.

“Relax man, alles ist gut, you don’t have to stress out,” Till said and squeezed the shoulder reassuringly. “Just come to eat breakfast with me, please. The coffee is also ready.”

“Fucking shit, I hate this job but I still have to pay my bills somehow… my boss is gonna strangle me for this, shit…”

Getting enough of Richard’s rambling, Till shouted: “HEY, STOP IT!” The windows shook a bit from the impact.

Richard turned to look at his friend with wide eyes. Normally, Till was gentle and spoke with a quiet voice - this was the first time Richard had heard his best friend shouting. 

Now, pleased to get the attention, Till cleared his throat and said with his normal tone: “I called your boss this morning and told him you are sick, so just forget it and have a day-off. We’ll eat breakfast now, ok?”

“Y-you called my boss and told him I’m… sick?”

“Yes, that’s correct,” Till replied and took Richard’s arm dragging him at the same time to the kitchen. “Come before the coffee gets cold.”

Richard wasn’t convinced still. “Did he… did he ask anything further?”

“No, it’s not his business. I just said you got really sick during the night and kept puking so it’s best for everyone that you stay home today.” Like a doll for a tea party Till placed Richard to sit by the table and gave him a steaming mug of coffee, accompanied by a huge plate of eggs and bacon.

Till sat in front of his friend and took Richard’s hand before he started eating. “Just relax and eat, no need to worry.”

Not able to resist, Richard finally submitted, and in no time, the heavenly mixture of bacon and eggs was in his mouth. Even though how whimsical this situation was there wasn’t anything to reverse the fact that fat was even more delicious than normally after a heavy drinking night. 

“Dear Christ, you know me too well,” Richard mumbled, chewing the food at the same time. “You don’t even know how much I’d like to be mad at you, but I just can’t.” He took another forkful of the delicious breakfast. 

Till didn’t answer anything, just nodded with a content smile. 

After the meal Till started doing the dishes and Richard slumped to the sofa, feeling slightly better but still tired. At least the horrendous taste in his mouth was gone now. He remembered the messages on his phone and realized he couldn’t avoid them forever so he had to check them.

And no surprise, most of the messages were from Emma. The tasty breakfast was about to come up. _ Shit. Now you are in deep trouble. _

_ Reesh, honey where did you go? I tried to call you, why are you not answering? Please, come back, I’m so sorry. We could go somewhere to spend the night? _

Still, quite a gentle tone - couldn’t be said from the later messages though.

_ Where the hell are you? _Sent 1 am.

_ Would have been fucking nice if you’d at least said you’d go to fuck someone else. I get it, but just be a man and be honest with me. _Sent 2 am.

And finally, at 3am: _ At least I fucking hope it’s not the cameraman. _

_ The cameraman. _Shivers ran down Richard’s spine for the mention and then slowly, through his stiff neurons came through a message: he remembered something.

Right below his and Emma’s Whatsapp thread, there was _ Paul Landers_, only with one deleted message - a message that had been deleted too late. A message containing Richard posing as sexy as he could for _ his _ cameraman only.

As clear as a day, the whole message came to Richard’s mind. 

_ Waiting for you by the bridge. When are you joining me, Paulie? ;) (x) _

_ Oooooh shit. _ From this, Richard didn’t have any clue how he should handle the mess. Was Paul mad at him when he hadn’t answered? The message had been sent at 2 am, so it was quite freaking inappropriate. _ Great, how great. _ Richard could only wonder how many failures he had made in the past week - and most of them involved either his wife or Paul.

Despite the exhaustion and the headache coming back Richard raised from the sofa like a spring and approached Till who was now reading a book by the table. He was looking so calm Richard would have wanted to smack him straight to the face.

Panting heavily, Richard stood right next to Till and on purpose, stared at him with eyes that could pierce holes into anyone’s soul. 

Till sighed and put his book aside. It was a grotesque poetry collection inspired by Ancient Greek mythology creatures - one of his all time favorites. “What is it? Do you need more coffee?”

“I’ll cut your throat open, you imbecile,” Richard hissed.

“Whoa, hold your ho--”

“Why the hell you had to send that picture to him? You know I was fucking wasted! It’s unfair!” Richard shouted and threw the book against the wall. “Fucking shit, my life was miserable enough before you wanted to ‘help me’!”

Till let out a burst of laughter - he knew his friend had mood swings after party nights so this wasn’t anything new. “Calm down man, it was only a message. Besides, the pic was hot. Did he by the way answer anything?”

Not saying a word Richard looked like steam was coming from his ears. Till’s amused attitude towards all of this didn’t really help.

“But hey, you should at least thank me as I pushed you towards each other.” Till stood up and grinned. “You should see how much you are blushing right now, Reeshie. He is special for you, I can tell.”

“Just… just… shut up please…” Richard managed to say with a shaky voice. This was lightyears away from funny and his friend was just grinning like an idiot. Maybe Richard deserved it - idiot he was in the end.

As Richard couldn’t stand this anymore he went to the toilet, slamming the door a bit too loud behind him.

“Hey man, don’t take it so seriously! I didn’t mean any harm to you…”

“Thanks for embarrassing me completely, you asshole,” Richard replied and ignored Till’s next desperate attempts to explain.

“Look, I just saw you were in pain and I thought it was a good idea… I’m sure he is not angry, he just doesn’t know what to answer. From what you told me earlier I’m 100% sure he has feelings for you, you guys just need some encouragement. You know I just want all the best for you, so I apologize if I made you upset. You are taking things way too seriously, my friend.”

Richard sighed and started browsing his phone with a blank mindset. His best buddy had always been eager to help in any case possible, but this was going a bit too far - and intimate.

In this whole mess, Till still rambling just behind the door, a new message from Emma appeared. _ Oh no, what now? _Of course, Richard knew he couldn’t avoid his wife forever, but he wasn’t ready to encounter her yet.

With shaky hands, Richard hesitantly opened the message. _ Marlene couldn’t reach you so she called and reminded the “Married at the First Sight” team will be today at 5pm doing their interview at your place. _

After reading the message Richard was close to throwing the phone against the tile walls. Barely able to hold himself, he came out of the toilet, seeing in the corner of his eye how relieved Till looked.

“Reesh?” Till asked and looked at his friend heading to the front door. “Where are you going?”

“Of course, I had forgotten,” Richard mumbled by himself behind gritted teeth before he left.

~***~

After a nap, several painkillers, and a shower straight from heaven, Richard hoped he looked alive enough for the interviewers to come. The timing was the worst possible, but being a polite man, he couldn’t have said no.

Till had tried to call a million times and sent several messages. Annoyed at attempted contact, Richard had just sent him “I’ll tell you later” to get rid of his friend’s worry.

The doorbell rang.

“Nice to see you alive, husband,” was the first thing Emma said when she was standing by the door. She looked stunning with her green summer dress, admiring her lithe body with curves just in the right places. If Richard had felt like crap the whole day, right next to his gorgeous wife he felt even more diminutive.

Richard studied at his shoes when he tried to find his voice. “Emma, look, I… I know I have some explaining to do about last night, but it’s not what you think it is.” 

“I just need to know did you fuck somebody.” 

Now, Richard moved his confused gaze to his wife and he had to step back. “E-excuse me?”

Without even blinking, Emma repeated the question: “I asked, did you fuck someone last night?”

Richard let out a burst of nervous laughter. “Hell no, I assure you that.”

“I just somehow have a feeling you haven’t told me everything,” Emma stated and stepped into Richard’s house. “That you are planning something behind my back.”

“Please, there’s time and place for a talk, but later, ok? I guarantee nothing happened yesterday, we just got drunk with Till. I’m sorry for the distress I made.” Richard tried to place a tiny kiss of atonement on his wife’s forehead. She avoided the desperate attempt though and instead, hurried to the bathroom to finish her make-up before the interviewers were coming.

The purpose of all this was to give the viewers a glimpse of their everyday life. _ How fucking great, _ Richard thought. _ Our everyday life is apparently about us arguing and Emma not trusting me. Fucking great. Ten points for you Richard. This is your fault. _

But despite all of his horror and anxiety, Richard hated to admit that at the bottom of his belly, he had anticipation. What_ if _ Paul had just been kidding about the quitting and _ maybe _ soon he would step into his house from that door. _ Maybe, _ they’d even have a chance tonight to settle things. Richard could apologize, say that he wanted to be friends. Paul would accept that and they would carry on living their own lives. Richard would promise Emma to be a better husband: they could do something nice tonight together, Richard could pay back his mistakes. _ Maybe _ this wasn’t a lost cause after all.

The doorbell rang again and Richard gulped. _ So, here it goes. _

Before Richard opened the door he took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a nanosecond. He was scared of his own reaction seeing Paul after the mess in Stockholm, but what else could he do than to face him? So, he opened the door, trying to form a friendly smile on his face; trying to act as normal as he could.

“Hallo!” Marlene, the host of the show exclaimed and gave her client a stiff hug. She smelled a perfume so strong Richard had to hold his breath. “Wie geht’s?” she asked when they withdrew and scrutinized Richard from head to toe. Richard hoped his appearance - and scent - wouldn’t unveil his hangover. Gladly, he would be napping and watching mindless movies right now instead of trying to act like a perfect husband for the tv.

“Gut… alles ist gut,” Richard managed to say before his eyes drifted to the man behind the woman - only for his disappointment.

Instead of the familiar red beanie and the sunshine smile, there was a middle-aged, chubby man whose dark eyes were full of hunger - those made Richard even more uncomfortable than he had been before. 

“Hallo, Richard,” the incognito man said and licked his lips. “I’ve been looking forward to meeting you and Emma. What a lucky day!”

“Umm, who is this?” Richard asked from Marlene almost whispering. “And where’s Paul?” He hadn’t meant the question sounding so desperate, but it had just slipped.

He was almost obsessed with meeting Paul.

Marlene turned and smiled at the man behind her. “Aah, yes Richard, meet your new cameraman, Zoran Bihac! He had just today joined the team. Isn’t it wonderful to have a new member for our staff!”

Zoran offered his hand and still didn’t take his eyes out of Richard. “It’s such a pleasure to meet you, Richard. Please, just call me Zoki.”

Like a robot, Richard shook hands with the man. The palm was uncomfortably sweaty, almost sticky. “H-hallo…”

“Unfortunately, Landers had to take a sick leave out of a sudden, but we found Zoki to fill the place so we could continue filming in the schedule. What luck we had!” Marlene exclaimed with her fake enthusiast voice and rubbed her hands together when she stepped into the house. “So, where should we hold the interview? If you’d be sitting on the sofa with your wife it would look nicely casual.” She turned to talk with Zoran. “Or what kind of a vision does our new cameraman have in his mind?”

_ Sick leave? Oh fucking shit, was I that horrible I made him ill? _Pale as a ghost, Richard forced himself to act welcoming and bit his lower lip ignoring the annoying pressure on his eyes. “Y-yeah, those ideas sound… great.” How desperately he wanted to know about Paul’s sudden disappearance but was too afraid to ask any further. 

But to be honest, he didn’t know was this better or worse than meeting Paul. Yes, it would have been awkward, but still, he would have had a chance to settle things with him. Instead, all he had now was a weird little new cameraman whose presence was somehow disturbing. This “Zoki” carried a look of a hungry wolf on his face that Richard didn’t like at all. He had sounded a bit too eager to meet them. What did the man want?

Soon, Emma came out of the bathroom. “Ah, there you are, welcome.” She smiled brightly but behind the mask Richard could see how much effort she had to put to keep her poker face. The couple had enough unsettled business but now it wasn’t the time to handle them even though how much gossip magazines would have enjoyed seeing drama on tv.

The couple sat on the sofa and right in front of them sat Marlene and Zoran, getting his gear ready. His clumsy, swollen fingers were totally opposite compared to Paul’s dexterous digits Richard desperately needed back to his life.

To distract his thoughts Richard put an arm behind his wife and caressed her shoulder gently - another attempt of reconciliation.

Emma leaned closer to Richard’s ear and whispered: “Don’t.” 

Then, she turned, and opposite to his cruel word she flashed a smile, showing her white teeth. “So Marlene, when are we going to start?”

While the two women talked with each other, the overwhelmed Richard swallowed and put his hands to his thighs, swiping his sweaty palm to his pants. Emma was a better actor than her husband apparently.

“So, how’s your sex life?” Zoran asked out of a sudden when he was ready with the camera. He had been silent for a while and Richard had almost hoped the new cameraman had been just a bad dream.

“E-excuse me?” Richard asked and didn’t notice his mouth had been left wide open when he kept looking at Zoran.

“C’mon, people want to know intimate things nowadays, so we could talk about your sex life,” Zoran replied and chortled. “You are on tv now, what were you expecting? We asking your favorite color and what pets did you have as a kid?” He shook his head. “Reesh, c’mon…”

“Don’t you dare to call me with that name,” Richard hissed. His nickname was only allowed to the certain people in his life and this chubby, nosy man definitely wasn’t included on the list.

Marlene chuckled - she was seemingly awkward. “Zoki, maybe I’d do the interview and you stick with the camera, right?” She tried to save the stiff atmosphere.

The new cameraman didn’t answer anything, but just let his camera roll when Marlene finally announced for the audience: “Hello everyone and welcome to ‘Married at the First Sight’! Today, we are going to see behind the scenes of this season’s star couple, Richard and Emma!”

Frozen on the sofa sat the “star couple” both of them unaware what was going to happen next when Richard felt a beep in his pocket. Marlene was still busy speaking for the camera, explaining something from the infamous honeymoon. Richard’s curiosity won him over and sneakily, he checked who had sent him a message - and his heart skipped a beat.

_ We need to talk. Can you come tonight to my place? _

Of course, just at the worst possible moment, Paul had to send him a message. _ Of course. _

As quickly as he could, Richard typed: _ Sure. 8 pm? _Then it came to his mind that did he sound too eager when he had replied within seconds.

Luckily, the answer from the other side came rapidly as well. _Ok._ _See you then. _No smileys, no questions, nothing. Just pure information. Richard wasn’t sure whether it was a good or a bad thing, but something was sure: he was both excited and terrified about meeting Paul. He had so many questions for him.

The last remains of concentration vanished into thin air when Richard put the phone back and tried to resume to reality. Marlene looked at him, waiting for an answer to some question apparently.

Richard gulped and flashed an apologetic smile. “S-sorry, can you repeat?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yassss, I have waited for so long to get to this part! I promise next chapter is gonna be juicy. 8–)


	13. If I share my secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter got a bit out of hand but... whatever.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” Richard muttered by himself and wiped the sweat from his forehead. “How many more freaking steps are there?”

Stopping for a second to take a sip of water, Richard checked his phone: it was almost 8 pm, the time of their settled meeting. And not just any meeting: his and _ Paul’s_. A chance to fix the mess between them - or that was what Richard hoped. 

After letting out an exasperated sigh Richard proceeded, the most motivating goal in his mind. The steps of this apartment building felt eternal - Richard had lost the count already on the first floor. What he was more than aware of though was the rapid pounding of his heart, soon ready to tear out from his chest. Still, Richard knew there was no backing up - he had to stop being a coward. 

Earlier that day, they had been interviewed with Emma and it had been as awkward as Richard had expected. Luckily, the new weird cameraman Zoran had kept his mouth shut so there hadn’t been any too personal scandalous revelations.

_ “Okay, that is it for the day,” Marlene announced after the last question about their plans together. She stood up and shook hands with the couple. “On Friday we’re gonna have a group interview with the rest of the couples, so be sure to be there.” _

_ “Of course, we will,” Emma said and smiled stiffly like a Barbie doll. “Or what does my _ ** _husband_ ** _ think?” _

_ “Y-yes, of course,” Richard stammered and kept staring at Zoran, who was packing the camera gear. He was so clumsy Richard couldn’t help but wonder was this man even a professional or just some random stalker from the streets. _

_ Speaking of camera gear, it reminded Richard of someone who was able to make butterflies dance in the bottom of his belly. Someone who he was going to meet tonight - _ ** _finally_**_. _

_ Marlene turned the one last time by the door. “Zoki, you ready? We still have one more couple to film tonight.” _

_ “Ah, ja, ja!” the chubby man said and stood up, glaring at Richard and Emma. “See you on Friday again. Can’t wait for it!” _

** _I’m glad if I’d never see you again_**,_ Richard almost said out loud, but as a polite man, just waved his hand and said his farewells. _

_ Just after the tv group was gone the fake smile on Emma’s face dropped. Without giving her husband any attention, she started gathering her things. _

_ “Emma…” Richard tried, not even sure what he was trying to do. “I know I haven’t been the best husband lately and I truly am sorry about it.” _

_ With her bag in her hand, Emma just shook her head. “Please, not today.” There was a hint of glossiness in her eyes and Richard realized how much he had hurt his wife. _

_ As his last straw, Richard grabbed Emma’s shoulders. “Honey, I’m sorry, we just got drunk with Till and then I forgot to tell you where I was… I have something I must do, but later I could come to your place and--” _

_ But the woman just shook herself off from the grip. “Goodbye.” _

Trying not to think about the recent memory too much, Richard concentrated now on what was coming next - what he had been supposed to do straight after the honeymoon. He wasn’t sure how to react when he’d see Paul. He had a perfectly sounding plan in his mind: apologize, give the flowers he had bought, then maybe have a small casual chat and then go back to Emma. Though there was this nasty feeling that what if he’d lose all of his sanity when he’d finally see the ex-cameraman. 

When he reached the 10th floor, Richard saw the sign he was both excited and terrified to see.

_ Landers. _

That is where Richard stopped and gulped, being sweaty not only from walking a million steps.

_ Ok. Here goes. Stay cool. Alles gut. Remember your plan and everything will go smoothly... _

With a shaky finger, he pressed the doorbell and waited until he heard steps inside. _ At least he is still alive, thank God. _A tiny relief.

Richard held his breath when the door opened revealing the man whose expression was unreadable. Was there surprise? Confusion? Or disgust? 

“So, you came,” Paul said almost sounding like he wasn’t believing his eyes. “Guten Abend.” The greeting was way too official compared to how they had acted before things had escalated.

“H-hi,” Richard answered with a weird high pitch. When he realized how stupid he must have sounded, he cursed himself already silently. _ Fuck. So there went the “smoothness”. _

Hoping the other man wouldn’t notice it, Richard’s eyes automatically started to study the man in front of him. He had to admit Paul looked absolutely beautiful with his black tank top showing his tattoos, accompanied by shorts that revealed his thighs straight from heaven. 

_ Jesus. He looks more stunning than I even remembered. _ Richard froze to his place for a while, just admiring the sight as much as he could and swallowed. _ Shit, what a great start, woohoo. Richard, you surely are a moron... _

When Paul tilted his head, like asking without words “what is going on” Richard just quickly handed him the flowers. “T-these are for you.”

Raising an eyebrow Paul took the handed gift. “Danke.” When he looked at them more carefully, he couldn’t help a smile forming on his face, his whole expression softening. “Lilacs. My favorites,” he whispered and sniffed them.

“I didn’t know… I’m… I’m glad you like them,” Richard answered and looked at the floor. He was still standing in the corridor, too afraid to ask permission to come in. Or was he even supposed to come in? On the other hand, Richard would have wanted to run back home screaming while he also desperately needed to talk to Paul properly.

Paul blinked his eyes and like reading the other man’s thoughts, said: “Sorry to keep you standing there, just come in.”

The two men stepped inside the apartment and a warm sensation rushed inside Richard when the familiar scent of Paul entered his nose - more intoxicating than the fanciest perfume ever. It felt like coming back home. Overall, the apartment was appealing and cozy: there were a lot of pictures on the wall, apparently taken by the enthusiastic photographer himself.

_ Concentrate. _ Richard tried to force himself even though his knees were about to fail. _ Concentrate, fucking concentrate. You can’t afford to fail this now. _

The TV was on and Paul turned it off, asking: “Fancy a drink or something?”

Richard shook his head and cleared his throat, still admiring the walls. “No... I’m fine, thank you.”

Paul put the lilacs in a vase and was soon back with his guest.

Neither of them said anything which was getting on Richard’s nerves. Why had his plan of fixing the awkward atmosphere between them, restoring their friendship, sounded so easy before but now when it was happening for real he had lost his ability to form any words even?

What the hell had this man done to him? Richard had never felt anything like this towards anyone.

And it was difficult to tell whether it was a good or a bad thing.

“So…” Richard started, trying to go to the point before he would go crazy or faint. “I came here... to apologize.”

Paul moved his gaze to Richard who had difficulties to look at the other man in the eyes. 

“Apologize for what exactly?” Paul asked with a calm voice like he would have forgotten what had happened between them in Stockholm.

Richard turned to look at one particular picture of Paul’s travels on the wall, a beautiful shot of a Mayan temple, and ran a hand through his hair. “Well, you know… it’s been such a mess and… stuff. And about that photo of me, we got drunk with Till and he got my phone somehow and yeah… then it just sorta happened. I’m so sorry. I hope we could still be friends.”

“Is that what you want? Be friends?”

Richard blinked his eyes for the unexpectedly straightforward question. “Well...” That was a difficult one indeed. What was it he wanted, deeply hidden in his soul?

Paul took a step closer, their chests touching each other. At this point, Richard had difficulties to breathe yet form any coherent thoughts. He was standing against a wall - Paul had managed to trap him. “Umm, what are you... doing?” Richard asked but didn’t get any answer.

All the time, they were so close that their eyes were forced to be locked to each other even though how much Richard would have wanted to just move his gaze and change the topic. He didn’t have the slightest clue what was going on but hell, how much he hated to admit he enjoyed this proximity. He loved to be cornered by Paul, eager and terrified to see what was happening next. 

Unexpectedly, Paul raised his hand and placed it on the nape of Richard’s neck, caressing the tiny hair there. The act sent thunderbolts all over Richard’s body - he realized it was impossible to back up anymore. Opening and shutting his mouth like a fish on the ground, Richard desperately wanted to say something, wanted to explain his behavior, wanted to weep all his feelings for Paul. But instead, he had just frozen here, terrified to do anything. _ Damn it. _

With a fiery look in his eyes, rare on the usually so gentle cameraman, Paul simply stated: “You should know that I could _ never _ hate you and you have no reason to apologize for anything.”

Before Richard could even comprehend what was happening, Paul dragged him to his lips, their front teeth clashing. They both were sent back to that moment in the narrow alley in Stockholm, Richard being so vulnerable in his panic attack and acting without thinking. The moment of their first kiss had been treasured safely in Richard’s memory as he had expected it to be their first and last. In the end, he had been wrong: the sweet memory was replaced with even a better one.

Richard gasped, both in relief and shock - this was not as he had planned but he couldn’t back up anymore. He was lost in a trance that this little man had lured him in. 

Unlike that night when Richard had kissed Paul, just gently on the lips before Emma and the others had rushed in, this new one was rough, more with raw masculine passion and longing. For a moment Richard even wondered was Paul drunk but there wasn’t even the slightest hint of alcohol in his taste so it couldn’t be the case. He was sober, meaning that Paul actually wanted this and maybe had even planned to do this in the first place. 

_ Holy fucking shit. _

Paul withdrew, still that same unfamiliar determined gaze in his eyes. He licked his lips before he took Richard from his waist and hugged him tightly, pulling him in another passionate kiss.

All Richard was able to do was to answer the hungry kisses, follow this dance Paul was leading - and hell, even though how very well he knew this was wrong as he had an upset wife waiting for explanations at home, Richard couldn’t resist. He was possessed.

While their lips still sealed to each other, Paul pushed Richard towards a sofa and throw him over there. Like in automation, Richard put his arms above his head, Paul pinning him now tight against the soft upholstery material like it would have been natural for the two men.

The kissing continued, now all over the place: on Richard’s lips, neck, ears before Paul moved his dexterous hands to unbutton Richard’s shirt. Everything was happening so fast that it was difficult to even comprehend. In seconds, Paul was nibbling Richard’s sensitive nipple and he just let out a helpless moan, echoing in the stylish apartment that had turned into their secret little sanctuary of passionate love.

Hands were all around in his body; those hands that Richard had formerly seen setting up cameras; hands that he couldn’t have ever imagined working on him. This was far beyond Richard’s wildest dreams. He had expected them to talk, sharing apologizes and maybe drinks, but here they were, both losing the last pieces of sanity they’d thought they’d had.

The weirdest thing was that Paul seemed to know from which strings to pull and make Richard helpless even though they hadn’t even barely talked about sex before. 

It was inevitable that Paul’s hands eventually found their way to Richard’s jeans and embarrassed by the bulk that was impossible to hide, Richard didn’t even dare to look at his lower parts when Paul started the unbuttoning. Not able to do anything else, Richard gave access by arching his hip and soon, he was lying only with his boxers, under the mercy of a man to whom he was crushing way too hard despite being married to a woman who was supposed to be a perfect match for him.

Paul’s face was again above Richard. His other hand caressed Richard’s cheek while the other was caressing something else. “You should know…” Paul said with a husky voice right next to Richard’s ear. “You should know that you fucking asshole is the only thing I have thought about since the weekend - maybe the whole month even. I don’t know anymore.

And for fuck’s sake, you deserve to be punished for that. _ You _ are illegal.”

All Richard could do was to tremble - he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He didn’t recognize this man who usually behaved in such a gentle and polite way, now finding his way to the lower parts of and saying things that did nasty things inside Richard.

No matter what Paul would ask from him, Richard was sure he would be willing to do anything: lick his shoes, being collared and forced to call Paul _ sir_, be tied up to this sofa, any _ freaking _ thing.

This man was making him insane, but Richard was still curious to follow - way too curious to stop this dangerous play.

Only the thin fabric of the boxers separating Paul’s hand from the rock-hard member, Richard saw stars in front of his eyes. At the same time, he needed to be freed from his agony quickly, yet he would have wanted to ingest this _ perfect _ moment forever. He didn’t know was there going to be another moment to enjoy ever, so this one had to be enjoyed the fullest.

Paul seemed to be having a blast: he didn’t hesitate the slightest bit when he almost tore the boxers and took Richard’s member to his hands, squeezing it. Now finally they both knew in their hearts that this was it - if they’d carry on there was not backing up anymore. Could they even be friends afterward? It surely wasn’t normal to have sex with a friend, right?

For those kinds of moral questions, Richard didn’t have the interest to ponder. If it was going to happen, then let it happen. Dealing with the consequences could wait. All he wanted now was Paul who was busy giving frantic kisses, mixed with the stroking of Richard’s groin. 

Of course, Richard had had sex a million times before. Never with a man though so this was new, exotic and somehow forbidden - and to be fair, Richard had to admit it made it even more interesting. Being the submissive part, touched by a person who was the same gender and who surely knew what he was doing. The only thing Richard regretted was that he hadn’t given this a try before. His and Emma’s sex had been like a chore, nothing passionate: just being overall decent. The school bullies in his teenage years had called Richard _ Schwul _and now they could be proven right - just that Richard pitied them when they didn’t know what they were missing while being confined in the homophobia.

“Jesus, Paul,” Richard muttered behind gasping, being able to say something the first time during their intercourse. “You are… how do you even fucking do that.” _ Yet, I wouldn’t have imagined anything else. _

Paul placed a finger against Richard’s lips, signaling that _ shut up, this is our moment now. _No words were needed: their bodies, eyes, and touches revealed just enough.

Closer and closer to the peak, Richard’s vision faded to black and he was still gasping and moaning embarrassingly under the other man’s touch. The reactions seemed to encourage Paul just even more and without any prior warning, he moved lower, sealing his mouth around Richard’s cock. At the same time, he was stroking Richard’s balls.

This was too much, too heavenly, too _ exciting_. 

“FFFUCK!” Richard exclaimed when the sensation of orgasm pierced him with spasms. 

Paul wiped his mouth and flashed a mischievous grin, not saying anything but clearly, he was pleased for himself. They were such a mess, sticky bodies glued to each other, but neither of them cared.

“Holy shit…” Richard mumbled, “it was even better than I had expected.”

Paul looked at Richard with curious eyes, his cheeks blushing a little. “You had… fantasized about me before?”

Instead of admitting anything and slowly coming back to his senses, Richard mirrored Paul’s former grin and placed his hand on the other man’s groin. He was more than pleased to notice he hadn’t been alone with the bulk. “Some things should remain as secrets, hmm?”

Paul just gave Richard an eyeroll before he threw his shorts away, revealing he hadn’t worn any underwear.

“Let me, for a change,” Richard whispered and Paul threw his head back, sighing when Richard mimicked similar movements as had been performed on his intimate parts before.

Delighted, Richard enjoyed witnessing Paul biting back curses and enjoying Richard’s talented hand doing tricks just in the right places.

It didn’t take long for Paul to reach the climax - with heavy cursing he slumped on Richard and panted heavily. They could now only hope the walls were thick enough not to reveal anything for the nosy neighbors.

“Oh my God…” Paul muttered against a pillow while Richard placed kisses on his hair. “Holy shit… I can’t… I can’t believe this.”

“We are such a mess, Liebling,” Richard said and chuckled. “But that doesn’t matter. It was perfect. _ You _ are perfect.”

Humming contently for a good while, Paul slowly started to crawl back to reality. He looked like was snapped out of a trance. That intense, fiery gaze he’d had during sex was now gone, making way to his more normal expression - it was full of terror though. He realized that he had done something irreversible - and could only blame himself.

Paul jumped out of the sofa and took a blanket from the floor to cover his naked body that had started to matter suddenly. At the same time, he started pacing around in panic.

“Hey, where did you go?” Richard asked, worry gripping him as well when he realized the warmth of the man on his skin was now gone.

Without looking at the other man, Paul pointed at a closet. “T-there are towels there if you want to s-shower.”

Richard sat on the sofa and looked at Paul with a serious expression. “That doesn’t answer my question. What’s going on?”

But as expected, Paul didn’t explain any further: instead, he went to the bathroom and started showering like it could wash away the guilt of touching a man who was someone else’s.

Richard scratched his nape and wondered for a while what on earth had just happened. Paul’s mood had changed as quickly as it had arrived.

_ Damn it. It must be that he blames himself for this. _

Sick of hiding and misunderstandings, Richard had promised to himself he didn’t want to have any more mess, so he followed Paul to the bathroom.

Closing the door as quietly as he could, Richard approached the other man and saw him sobbing and rubbing himself furiously with a sponge. A flush of tenderness hit him and without hesitation, Richard wrapped his arms around Paul’s waist. Even though they were naked, all the sexual feelings had vanished into thin air. All that was left was gentleness - Richard wanted to protect this man at all costs.

“Shhh, it’s ok,” Richard soothed and placed a faint kiss on Paul’s ear. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Startling because of the sudden pampering, Paul dropped his sponge and stammered: “L-let… just let go of me… I… I don’t deserve this.”

But against the command, Richard just squeezed Paul tighter and let his head rest on his shoulder. “Don’t say things like that. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Just that I forced a married man to have sex with me. That is quite _ fucking _ wrong,” Paul said and sniffled. “I just… I didn’t mean it. I just lost it when I finally saw you, looking handsome as ever, but I swear I--”

Interrupting the other man’s desperate babbling, Richard let out a sarcastic chuckle. “Forced?” He turned Paul around. “You seriously think you _ forced _ me?”

Not meeting Richard’s eyes, Paul nodded and bit his lower lip. He looked like a lost little kid who had been busted doing something wrong - just that being punished would have been much easier than being treated this nicely.

Richard cupped Paul’s cheeks and said with a steady voice: “Stop it right away. You need to know that I enjoyed that. A lot. Maybe even more than I should have, but that doesn’t matter. It takes two to tango, so I’m as responsible as you in this, do you understand?”

With the eyes of confusion, Paul forced himself to look at Richard and nodded barely noticeable. Now it was Richard who had taken the lead.

Only the splashy sounds of the shower were their background soundtrack when Richard broke the awkward atmosphere: “I’m pretty fucking sure right now that… you should know...” He cleared his throat and his hands trembled when he held Paul’s cheeks still. “... I wanted to do this with you because… because there’s no doubt that...”

Paul opened his mouth, about to ask something, when Richard forced himself to be steady. Still, his voice cracked a bit when he stated:

“I love you.”


	14. Back and Forth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa, after reading the whole freaking fic - and cringing a bit at my old writing - I finally had an idea how to continue! I'm sorry for the hiatus, hopefully you guys are still with me in this. :3

~***~

_ My heart should be well-schooled, _

_ ‘cause I fall in love too easily. _

~***~

_ Hitting the send button after typing a message had never been as terrifying as that night. An innocent little act, meant to clear things out between two men who had danced around each other like two love lust roosters who didn’t know what to do with each other. _

_ “We need to talk. Can you come tonight to my place?” _

_ Paul would have never known what could happen when Richard had stood by his doorstep, looking as attractive and tempting as ever. _

~***~

That evening looked like a typical Tuesday night in his neighborhood when Paul held a towel around his body, standing on the balcony of his apartment. Recently, he had tried to cut down on smoking, but his frantic nerves had been craving for nicotine a bit more often than normally - one could only wonder, why.

Inside the apartment, Richard was putting his clothes on after showering together. Paul had to burst out a tiny dry laugh at himself. It didn’t make any sense after what had happened that he now thought it would be somehow inappropriate to see the man in his house naked; maybe it was his desperate way to compensate for what had happened. A firstly supposed talking had gone a bit more intense - and it was only _ his _fault, Paul was assured.

His eyes fixed on the street lights, illuminating his neighbors coming and going, Paul exhaled. _ God_, how much he needed that desired smoke now.

Just after he had lit up a roll of sins, a door opened behind his back, revealing a familiar head from the doorway. “Hey, I was wondering where you disappeared,” Richard stated and cleared his throat. “Mind if I join... you?”

“Sure, come in,” Paul replied, trying to sound cheery. He wanted to be his normal self, polite and gentle, instead of that greedy and demanding creature he had been only a moment ago - a creature he didn’t like at all. “Be my guest.”

The two men, cramped with confused emotions, sat there in silence before it was Richard who needed to speak up: “So, you were really… leaving.” The painful words he still didn’t believe were true. “You were thinking of letting go of the show, for real?”

Paul blew a good amount of smoke out and let his eyes stay on the dissolving patterns of it. Even though how unhealthy it was, he had to admit cigarette smoke looked surprisingly pretty against the night sky. He made a mental note he should photograph it someday. “Yes, you are correct. I thought about it in Stockholm already and when I came back, I settled things with my boss.” Or more like so, Paul had just announced things, not discussed anything - but that he didn’t say out loud. Hartmann had at first sent him a bunch of angry messages, then trying to lure Paul back with a raise, and then coming back with the angry messages. The cameraman had just ignored everything. As a stubborn man, he had made a decision and wasn’t going back to his old job.

“But why?” Richard let out another difficult question in the air. “Was it because of something I had done?”

Mentally chewing the question for a while, Paul dumped his cigarette and sat down on a chair. He scratched his head, but to Richard’s annoyance, didn’t make eye contact.

Sitting next to him, Richard let out a sigh and said: “Paul, even how uncomfortable it is, can we just be honest with each other?”

“I’m sorry,” Paul whispered. ”I just thought I’d need some… time. Time to comprehend what was happening. I know leaving wasn’t the best solution, but honestly, I…” He took a deep breath and continued: ”Didn’t know what else I should have done.”

“Was it because you didn’t want to be around me?” Richard asked, his tone getting a bit agitated even though he didn’t want it to. “I get it, I--”

“Yes and no,” Paul answered finally with honesty and turned to look at Richard. ”But you haven’t done anything wrong. I accuse only myself from everything.”

Richard was pleased with the eye contact they made even though he couldn’t say the same from the reply. ”Damn, I just still… don’t understand. What a mess this is.” A car honked down in the streets which startled them both for a second before Richard continued: “But you know how I feel. I can’t… I can’t help it. I’m tired of bullshit so I have decided to speak up my mind.” 

“I want you to know that it’s not that I don’t enjoy being around you,” Paul whispered and moved to stare at his hands. “It’s… totally the opposite.”

“Maybe I’m stupid, but I don’t get you.” 

Paul tried to form words that would make any sense - it was once again surprisingly difficult. “Just that… I wanted to protect you from what… might happen. Protect your relationship from my stupid feelings.”

Richard couldn’t help but sneer. “Look how well it worked.” He made an exaggerated eyeroll in the dim light. ”And honestly, I could say, I don’t regret the slightest bit.”

“But it doesn’t hide the fact you are still married, vowed your loyalty for someone else,” Paul replied, sourness in his voice. “I’ve stepped through a boundary I would have never wanted to, but look what kind of a man I have turned.”

“Married isn’t a synonym for imprisoned,” Richard stated. “Besides, I didn’t choose her. I didn’t have an opportunity to even see her before I was forced to say yes in front of tv cameras. That makes a huge difference.” Biting his lower lip he continued: “I’m technically married by the books, yes, but my heart is somewhere else. _ Someone _ else’s.”

A hot rush ran on Paul’s cheeks. “What… what do you mean?”

Richard looked at the other man and flashed a tiny smile. “Didn’t you listen to anything I said to you in the shower?”

“Y-yes, but…”

Richard leaned closer to Paul and placed his hand on his cheek, caressing it with such gentleness. ”I didn’t lie when I said those words to you.” He could feel the slight hotness on the other man’s cheek - _ adorable _ . “Because no matter how well trained the psychologists and matchmakers of that show are, it can’t hide the fact that…” He studied Paul’s features for a while before he added: “Emma wasn’t chosen by me while _ you _ were.”

Richard closed his eyes and leaned on to ask for a kiss. Even though Paul still tried to comprehend whether he should let go or not, he submitted and placed a hand on Richard’s nape, letting his lips lean forward to meet the familiar ones. Instead of being hungry and horny, the kiss was tender, shy proving of acceptance.

When they retreated, there was something on Paul’s heart still. “I have to tell you I wasn’t just leaving the show. I thought… thought of leaving the whole Germany,” he confessed. “I started planning my departure before I told Hartmann and the crew I didn’t want to participate in this show anymore.”

“Okay, but where would you have gone then?” Richard asked, trying to sound calm despite the turmoil inside. 

A nonchalant, vague shrug later, Paul explained: “I don’t know. Just somewhere. I’m so tired of all of this, so I just thought maybe I’d just finally start traveling around the world. I felt here I was just making everyone miserable with my presence only.”

“So, if I wouldn’t have come here, you would have just… left without telling me anything?”

Paul rubbed his nape and admitted: “Yes, most likely.”

Standing up from the chair Richard leaned on to the railing and stared at the streets. He sighed heavily.

“Look, I’m sorry,” Paul tried to save himself. “I just tho--”

“You thought what?” Richard cut out the words, “you thought you just could vanish into thin air, without this silly little desperate man on the tv knowing it?”

“Sorry. I just wanted to... protect you. I thought it would have been the easiest solution for both of us.”

“Mine and Emma’s marriage wasn’t meant to last, I just… just had a gut feeling from the beginning. It’s better for her that I’m doing it as quickly as possible,” Richard said. “Telling her maybe we… should move on. Separately.”

“You don’t have to do this for me.”

“Then, for who?” Richard turned around and approached Paul. “To whom if not _ you _?”

Not having the opportunity to answer, without asking permission, Richard sat on Paul’s lap and let his head rest on the other man’s shoulder. At the same time, he caressed Paul’s bare back.

“I just need you to promise you are not leaving me,” Richard mumbled on the shoulder. “Just promise me you are staying.”

Paul squeezed Richard tighter. “I guess I have no choice now because in the end... I… I,” he started and gulped, “...love you too, Richard. So hard it hurts sometimes.” He chuckled, his voice shaking. “Damn, I don’t even know why I feel like this it’s… so confusing and so… real.”

The two men sat there in silence, only listening to the faint sounds of the nightly traffic while they knew the fact that this is where they both belong.

To_ each other_.

~***~

A cheerful tune of the doorbell echoed inside the small apartment when Till hurried to open his door. He was delighted to have guests - like a small boy who had been waiting the whole day for his birthday to start.

“Hallooo!” he said with genuine enthusiasm and hugged Ollie by the doorway. “Come in, come in! Did you bring tonight’s masterpiece with you?”

The tall bearded man grinned and raised his hand where there was an ancient VHS tape. “‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ our old favorite! How could I ever forget?” He and Till had had a guilty pleasure since their teenage years: watching B rated movies together. The worse the flick, the better.

Till rubbed his hands together and looked like he was about to start jumping around. “Ahh, wunderbar! That’s a classic I’ve missed so much!” On purpose or not, Schneider and Flake had said they were busy - maybe at least the latter speaking the truth as after Richard’s wedding he had started dating one of the bridesmaids, their love blossoming.

When Ollie stepped in, Till poured them a glass of homewine which the other man thanked. Ollie wondered in his mind, how bottomless Till’s booze stash must have been, but didn’t say anything out loud. 

“Prost!” they exclaimed and took a sip. Then it was time to move to the living room where Ollie put the VHS in the player. In their friend group, Till often got some loving bantering about him being still in the 90s with his technology. 

Ollie came back and sat close to Till them ready for the brainless movie.

“So, how’s it going?” Till asked and took a handful of popcorn from a bowl he had placed on a table in front of them. “Good to see you as we haven’t been in touch for a while.”

“All is fine at the moment. Just a bit of a hassle at work,” Ollie answered and politely, took a sip of the infamous homewine trying to hide his grimacing. “It was good to come. I’ve felt like everyone’s so goddamn busy that I’m not seeing anyone besides my colleagues and clients anymore.” Ollie was a social worker and because he possessed sensitive information about people of the city, he couldn’t talk much about what was going on at work. It often made him stressed so this kind of mindless thing with a good friend was just what he needed now. He stretched his long legs and placed his hands behind his head. “Damn, how much I have missed this. I’ve missed all of you guys.” In Till’s small apartment Ollie looked like a giant. “But how are you, man? Any new poems coming?”

“Yeah, it’s a shame we aren’t seeing each other so often. I’ve just seen Reesh a couple of times, that’s all,” Till answered. “Sadly, I haven’t been very creative lately, but I try not to stress out too much. Maybe I’ll publish that book someday, but who knows.” Till lived a carefree artist life some people truly envied.

”I’m sure the inspiration will come back,” Ollie assured. “Nice that you’ve seen Reesh, I haven’t heard anything about him since the wedding. How’s his marriage going on? I guess pretty well then or at least the wife, what was her name…”

“Emma.”

“Yeah, right Emma, was beautiful, but I don’t know, looks can be treacherous,” Ollie stated and took a handful of popcorn as well while he watched the killer tomatoes on the bad quality screen. “To be honest, that woman wasn’t in my opinion Reesh’s type, but I haven’t questioned it as the matchmakers of the show must have known what they were doing.”

Till looked at the floor and as he was a lousy liar, pondered for a while what he should say. _ Don’t tell this about anyone, _ his friend’s begging echoed in his ears. _ Not even for them. _“I might… know something, yeah. Richard came here yesterday and stayed over.”

“Oh?” Ollie said and turned his focus from the tv to his friend. “I thought he had work every weekday.”

Till nodded. “Yeah, but… he was in trouble, so I had to… help him a bit.”

Ollie wasn’t a man of gossip, but he couldn’t help curiosity bubbling inside him - or more so, as he was good at reading people, he could sense Till was hiding something from him. “Okay, that sounds… a bit weird, to be honest. Has something bad happened to him?”

Maybe it was Ollie’s social worker charm, or Till just being concerned, but he couldn’t keep it anymore. “Don’t tell Reesh I told you but he was pretty freaking miserable when he came here,” Till babbled, “and yes, you might have been right, it was mostly because of his wife and his love life in general. He is doing bad, but I tried my best to help him.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear,” Ollie said, with genuine empathy in his voice. He munched the popcorn, trying to comprehend what he had just heard.

“And yeah, Emma isn’t the one for him. His heart is for someone else.”

Not asking any further, Ollie nodded. “I understand. He didn’t have a chance to choose her, after all.” 

“Truth to be told, I’m a bit worried about him,” Till said. “You know what happened between him and Lena back in the days. The poor man seems to be a magnet for lousy relationships.”

“Yeah, some of us just have bad luck when it comes to relationships.” Ollie raised an eyebrow and looked at Till. “But do you know we should interrupt somehow? To help him so it wouldn’t escalate like last time? Should I call him and ask him to come here or something?”

Till was silent for a while before he said: “I don’t know, maybe I’m just overreacting and he needs time to settle his problems.” He shifted on the sofa and felt an urge to get another drink. “I just feel like it would be better for him to get rid of that woman as soon as possible. Like in the break-up with his ex, I’m more than willing to take Reesh to live here again if the worst happens again, that’s not a problem, but… I see a similar pattern here as last time.” With a voice barely audible, he added: “I just don’t want him to be hurt again.”

“I guess all we can do is to keep our eyes open and support him in everything to prevent what happened in his last relationship,” Ollie stated his last words when the two men shifted their focus on the movie, their minds somewhere else though. 

~***~ 

After getting cold on the balcony, the duo had gone back inside. Richard sat on a sofa in the livingroom while Paul busied in the kitchen, pots and pans clinging.

“Hello, who do we have here?” Richard asked with a high-pitched voice when a huge ball of fur jumped on his lap. “You cutie, what is your name?”

Paul raised his head behind a kitchen island. “Ahh, he is Garfield, feel free to ignore if he annoys you,” he said when he looked at the cat. “I rarely have visitors so I guess he got curious about a new voice here.”

The huge orange feline pushed his face against Richard’s hand and started loud purring. A heartwarming sight on his sofa forced a smile on Paul’s face: the cat trying to find a good spot in the warm lap while Richard kept talking to the animal with a soft voice while stroking him. Richard almost purred himself as well along the cat. “He seems to be fond of you and that’s a good sign. He is normally quite shy,” Paul said.

Admiring the duo for a good while, Paul moved his focus back to what he was doing. “I’m preparing something to eat, are you in a rush or do you want to stay for a while?”

“I can stay,” Richard said, Garfield slumping on his lap and wanting to be stroked from his belly. “Since it’s quite late already it’s no use to rush anymore.” On purpose, he hadn’t checked his phone - finally, a chance to live in the moment, not constantly worried about his wife’s comments.

Paul prepared them his simple bravura: scrambled eggs and bacon. He wasn’t much of a cook, but at least he wanted to try to impress his companion.

Even though the cat protested the ending of the petting, both men managed to sit by the table and started eating. Only then, Paul realized how hungry he had been the whole day. He hadn’t cared much about himself lately when there had been constantly so much going on.

A bit worried when his companion hadn’t said anything about the food, Paul had to break the silence: “I know I’m not very good at cooking, but I like this food a lot so I hope it’s somehow edible at least.” He flashed an apologetic smile.

“No, no, it’s great!” Richard exclaimed, with a mouthful of bacon and scrambled eggs. “Simple, but tasty. I love it!” His stuffed cheeks made him look like a hamster and they both chuckled genuinely.

“That’s great to hear, thank you,” Paul said and took a forkful of food. “Also, I just wanted you to know that if you want to stay over, you are welcome.”

Richard stopped eating and raised his head from the plate to Paul. “As much as I’d want to, I think I must go home for tonight. But some other day, I will crash on your sofa when you least expect it.”

“That sounds lovely,” Paul said and looked at Richard with fond eyes. This is what he had been hoping for: being casual with someone nice. “You know you can always come here.”

“Thank you,” Richard whispered and unconsciously, leaned closer, looking at Paul’s lips while he licked his own. “I would be... very eager to do it someday.”

Before the eating would get too awkward Paul cleared his throat. “H-hey by the way,” he interrupted, desperately trying to change the topic, “do you happen to know who they hired as my substitute to film you?”

Richard leaned back in his chair and blinked his eyes. “Umm, someone chubby and clumsy,” he said and moved his focus back to the food. “Called... Zoki if my memory serves me right.”

His jaw almost dropping to the ground, Paul stared at Richard. “You gotta be... kidding me.” With the name mentioned, he started to turn to resemble a ghost.

“What?” Richard asked and put his fork aside. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No no, you didn’t say anything wrong, just that... they hired a guy who once was fired from the channel,” Paul said and let out a dry laugh. “I can’t believe they took him back.”

Richard poked his food. “Yeah, he was indeed weird. The guy tried to ask us something about our sex life. Luckily, Marlene saved the situation and did the rest of the interview.”

“No wonder. Zoki used to film some quite… questionable porny films back in the days he claimed were just ‘art’. But I guess now Hartmann wants to take the channel to a next level when there’s so much competition with other channels and the Internet.” Paul shook his head and snorted. “I can’t believe it, all of the people from the world, Zoki… Wow, they are going low.”

”Yeah, I hope I’m not going to see him again,” Richard admitted and continued with his food, hoping that the eerie new cameraman wouldn’t be their main topic anymore.

Along eating they continued chatting, but on purpose, ignoring the show now. Richard’s eyes drifted to the photograph on the wall of the Mayan temple he had been admiring earlier. 

“Did you take it?” Richard asked. “It’s beautiful.”

Paul shook his head. ”I wish, but unfortunately, no, it’s a gift from my colleague. You remember, I’ve only travelled in Poland before the trip to Stockholm with you even though I’d hope to see more places in the world.”

”Maybe someday we could go to Latin America together,” Richard said. ”Would be nice to travel with you. I enjoyed our trip to even Stockholm even though the circumstances… weren’t the most favoring.”

Paul flashed a smile. ”Wish so too. Maybe someday.”

After the minimalistic dinner, they got tired and lazy. Before Richard would doze off on Paul’s sofa he said with a yawn: “Okay, I think I have to go now.” He stretched, resembling the cat that was now sleeping on the sofa. “I enjoyed myself… a lot. Thank you for the food and everything.”

Paul nodded and while he was doing the dishes, said: “You are welcome. I’m happy you came.” He stopped for a second - one question was still on his lips. “Richard…”

“Yes?”

“Just that… how will we continue from this?”

Richard raised from the sofa and approached the other man. Behind Paul, he wrapped his hands around his thin waist. “Don’t worry, things will settle sooner or later. I’m sure of it.” He placed a small peck on Paul’s cheek. “We’ll figure out something.”

Letting go of the dishes, Paul turned and took Richard into his warm embrace. One more time, he breathed in the familiar scent, just to have a memory of this evening together. “I will miss you. Let’s meet again as soon as possible.”

“We’ll do that,” Richard said. ”You are not getting rid of me that easily now when I made you stay.”


	15. Payback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly and steadily we are getting towards the end... But first, a bit of angst!

“When will I see you again?” Paul asked once again with a faint voice when they were about to depart on the doorway. They had been standing there already for 20 minutes, holding their hands.

Richard flashed a smile and said: “As soon as possible. I’ll call you, ok?”

When Paul nodded, Richard leaned towards the other man, closed his eyes, and without any guilt anymore, let their lips meet for a delightful kiss. 

Words hovered in the air they both knew, yet refused to let loose: _ You are the true love of my life. _That realization made Richard want to cry tears of joy and dance like a pothead in a trance party at the same time.

One last wave of goodbye and then the two men finally managed to let go of each other.

“Tschüss and good night, Richard.”

“Good night for you too, Paul.”

When the door of the apartment closed behind Richard’s back he couldn’t help a wide grin appearing on his face, kindling both his appearance and soul. He must have looked ridiculous, but he didn’t care: tonight, he was sure nothing could change his mind, the childishly cheerful mood he hadn’t experienced in ages. It was something to be cherished. 

Stepping out of the building to the murky night illuminated with only pale street lights, Richard made sure no one was around and raised his hands in the air. “Yessss, fucking YES!” Without expecting it, a single tear escaped from his eye - he could celebrate for the rest of the evening. He laughed out loud and closed his eyes, swirling around for a while before he got dizzy.

_ I am the luckiest man in Germany right now - no, not only of Germany, of the whole world! _He cheered in his mind, letting his eyes open at the same time only to notice he had unexpected eyewitnesses: a family with two little girls who were walking their dog. They had stopped there, staring at an adult man yelling and swirling around alone in the night.

Normally, Richard would have lowered his head and mumbled vague apologies, but not tonight: he just patted the cute little white terrier and flashed his sweetest smile to the family. “Isn’t it a beautiful evening?”

Without saying anything, the family retreated, two little girls looking behind their backs when the stranger of the night waved for them.

Richard sighed, the stupid smirk still not fading away: how things just suddenly started to work out, to make sense? Just this morning, he was a miserable man, not knowing what to do but now… It was impossible. Things had just happened incredibly fast.

There was no questioning it: Paul Landers was the love of his life. There were some obstacles before they would be able to be properly together, but those were just things to settle later. Now it was time to enjoy this happy mood fully - Richard deserved it.

He was sure even the nagging voice of his wife couldn’t take this feeling away. After all, their communication had gone worse and worse over time so they were technically on the verge of a divorce, right?

Yes, that was it: Richard was a free man, he could do _ anything _ he wanted with _ anyone _ he wanted - some forced reality show love wasn’t going to get in his way.

_ Nothing _ could go in his and Paul’s way.

The walk back home took longer than expected, but Richard didn’t even bother to check what time of the day it was. He whistled a tune he had just heard on the radio by himself when he dug out the keys and opened the door to his own little man cave - someday, he hoped he didn’t have to share it alone anymore.

Richard put his coat on the rack and kicked his shoes away. After a long walk, his legs had gotten tired without him even noticing it in his love ecstasy. Screw it how late it was, a hot bath would be perfect.

But his late-night plans were about to turn when Richard heard a female voice behind him that almost made him jump through the roof.

“A long night at the office, huh?” 

There was no doubt to whom the voice belonged. _ Verdammt, how…? _ “Emma, what on earth are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to go to work early tomorrow.”

The said woman stood up from a stool she had been sitting on and walked towards her husband. Like always, on her beautiful, yet stiff features stood out an expression Richard was unable to read. Anger, pity, disgust? Maybe a cocktail of all of them. 

Emma came only inches away from Richard and scrutinized him from head to toe. “I’ve been waiting for you, husband.” She tilted her head and continued: “What took you so long?”

“None of your business,” was an answer that came out of Richard’s mouth before he could even comprehend. He just simply refused his good mood to be ruined by the sudden encounter of his reality-tv wife. “And how did you even get in?”

“Oh bien au contraire, ça _ me regarde_,” the woman answered with a mysterious smirk while she studied both her nails and her husband. “Tu devrais faire plus attention avec ta clé de secours la prochaine fois.” That was followed by cruel laughter.

Richard rolled his eyes and snorted. “Motherfucking hell, if you want to talk can we at least speak a language I know? Stop your showing off, it’s ridiculous.”

“Ohh I don’t know about that, _ husband_,” Emma said, reluctantly changing the language. She let her painted long fingers venture on Richard’s cheek that was still cool after the time spent outdoors. She resembled Cruella de Vil - only the long dalmatian coat was missing. “You haven’t been willing to talk, so I figured out it doesn’t even matter what I say. You wouldn’t listen anyway, so who cares whether I speak German, French, or Esperanto?”

With a sour expression, anger bubbling inside him, Richard took the hand away from the cheek. “Emma, I’m not in the mood of talking tonight, so leave it and go home,” he said and started walking towards the bathroom - he still wanted his hot bath, no matter what. The bitch had no right to stay here, it was his house for Christ’s sake.

But the stubborn woman refused to let go this easily. She grabbed her husband from the shoulder just when he was passing, forcing him to face her. The long nails dug into Richard’s skin even through the clothing.

“Ouch! What are you doing? Didn’t you hear what I just said?”

Instead of that trademark smirk of her, Emma’s eyes narrowed - a shadow fell on her pretty features. “You should know your place. I wanted to surprise you but look at you... In case you didn’t know, you are still married.”

Richard couldn’t help but a sneer escaping from his mouth. “Since when did you start caring about me? Just today, at the interview you refused to talk to me even. What the hell is this? An interrogation?”

Glancing her husband from head to toe, Emma ignored Richard’s question. “You have obviously been _ fucking _ someone.”

Feeling a hot rush piercing his body, Richard decided he wasn’t going to give up - he hadn’t done anything wrong. “As I earlier said, it’s none of your business. Do you think this has been working this far? We were married in a fucking reality show!”

“In case your French is rusty, I already told you _ it’s all my business_,” Emma said with pure venom in her tone. “Was it that cameraman? Don’t you dare to tell me you fucked with him?”

Not caring anymore, Richard just blurted out: “Yes, we had an amazing night, and _ yes_, sex might have been involved.” He leaned closer to the woman and whispered: “It was one of the best nights of my life for a looong time and no thanks to you.” If he would have been looking at himself from the distance now, he wouldn’t have recognized himself - where did all these mean words come from? Maybe Emma had something to do with it - the woman’s rude comments and manners had hurt enough already, so Richard had figured out he didn’t have to be nice then either.

The grip on Richard’s shoulder tightened and then loosened - Emma stepped back. Looking pale, almost close to fainting she half said, half sobbed: “You… you... _snake_!”

With a wry smile, Richard said: “You know, things just tend to happen as not expected even though how much you try to control them.” He passed finally the furious woman, making his way to his long awaited bath. “So _ excusez-moi_, but this is my house and I can do what I want here.”

Richard almost managed to get himself to the bathroom, but he was followed. Emma just kept staring at him, her eyes piercing his husband’s body and soul. Taking heavy breaths, the woman looked like she’d either burst into tears or explode next.

The one last time, Richard turned around. “If you have anything to say that is not about insulting me, this is your last chance. Otherwise, I wish you a good night and want to say if we ever had anything, it’s now officially over.”

Emma clenched her teeth together so tight one could almost hear them screeching - no words came out.

Just shrugging, Richard said: “Well, that’s it then. I’ll have a bath now and I’d suggest you leave my house, please. And leave the spare key you apparently stole from me here as well, you won’t need it anymore.”

That sounded simple enough, but Richard should have known Emma so well that she simply wasn’t a woman who would take “no” as an answer - of course, she wasn’t that stupid she’d thought their arranged marriage would still work. Of course, she had known it from the start this man was from another planet than her. Of course, but still giving up wasn’t an option.

Something snapped in her head and without noticing it herself, she clenched her hand into a fist and with all of her strength, the hand moved by itself somewhere it definitely shouldn’t.

“FUCK YOU!” Emma noticed herself screaming and spitting to her husband’s face before she hit him.

The time and space around the two forced lovers stopped - neither didn’t comprehend what was happening and what were the consequences of it.

It was as painful as Richard remembered from the last time when he had been hit by his ex. He touched his cheek and there it was again: the warm liquid that trailed on his face, meeting his lips, giving the metallic taste to his mouth. There was again a throbbing pain just like he remembered - he saw only stars in front of his eyes and in the middle of them, a blurry figure of a woman he didn’t recognize anymore.

This was the last straw - he needed to get out, _ now_.

Equally shocked Emma sobbed: “Richard, look I… I didn’t…” But the words got glued in her throat.

Without bothering to listen to any explanations, Richard turned around and with the last remains of strength, he locked himself in the bathroom. He slumped on the cold tile floor and held his head. The room around was revolving round and round and round… _ round_...

_ 1, 2, 3, 4…. _ He concentrated on breathing and counting. _ 1, 2, 3, 4… inhale, exhale… _

The poor man was shaking like a leaf on the toilet floor, unable to escape the pain and an upcoming panic attack - exactly how it had been when Lena had hit him back in the days.

“Richard, come out of the bathroom, I didn’t mean it!” Emma screamed but she didn’t get any answers. “Open the door, I… I… !” With loud banging, she still tried her best. “I’m so sorry, we can still talk!”

Richard bit his lower lip, forced to taste the metallic flavor again, and tried to think how he survived this situation the last time. He couldn’t give up to the panic, he just simply couldn’t… Emma would win then, he just couldn’t let it happen… He needed help. But where and who? Even more than anything he would need Paul’s embrace and soothing words now, but he didn’t want to drag the poor cameraman to this mess.

A plan in his head, Richard dug up his phone. Almost dropping it to the floor, he dialed a number that was more important than any emergency number in this world.

~***~

Never before had a B-rated movie left him this dull but something tonight was off Till realized when he hadn’t even laughed at once. He just stared at the screen.

What was going on in Richard’s life? Till couldn’t get the image of his friend looking so broken when he had visited out of his head. What could he do to soothe his friend? Should he call him? Should, and should, and should… so many shoulds...

And most of all, was there still something Till should be worried about? Richard’s ex was haunting in Till’s mind even though they hadn’t seen in ages. What if that reality tv wife, would… _ No, simply no. _ Till shook his head. _ You are just overreacting. _

Ollie next to his friend raised an eyebrow when the climax of the movie had just ended and his flick partner was still silent - Till hadn’t said a single comment after their earlier discussion. Ollie turned off the tv and looked at his friend with genuine concern. “Was ist los?”

Shaken from his thoughts, Till shifted on the sofa and mumbled: “Nothing.” He knew even himself that it didn’t sound credible at all.

“Till, seriously, this used to be our favorite movie and you haven’t said a single word. What is going on?”

“I… umm, well,” Till started when his phone in the kitchen rang. In secret, he was relieved when he didn’t have to explain his concerns to the sharp-eyed social worker while also Till had an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach about his earlier pondering. He stood up from the sofa like a spring and went to answer without even looking at who was calling him at this time of the night. 

“Hallo?”

“Till, listen…” the man on the other end started babbling and panted heavily. He sounded extremely weak, the words just merely managed to come out of him. “Y-you, must… I… I need… you….” 

Till grabbed the phone tighter in his hand and stuttered: “R-Reesh?” _ Oh shit. _This didn’t promise any good. “Jesus Christ, are you ok?” he almost yelled, waking up Ollie’s curiosity in the other room. “Where are you, man? What is happening? Are you hurt??”

When Ollie came next to Till, seeing his friend pale and trembling, Richard on the other end said: “Emma is at my place and… it...” He stopped and sniffled. “It has happened again… I… I don’t know… P-please, can you just...”

“Me and Ollie will be there right away,” Till answered firmly. “Just stay where you are and we’ll soon be there, ok?” 

When Richard had assured he wasn’t in a life-threatening situation, Till put the phone on the table, staring at it and trying to make sense of his thoughts.

“Was it Reesh?” Ollie asked and Till nodded faintly.

“He’s in trouble?”

Another nod and then no explanations were needed anymore - the two men headed outside to Ollie’s car.

~***~

Usually, he was careful in traffic, but tonight was an exception - with Ollie’s surprising rally skills they arrived at Richard's place in a record time. Even though he wasn’t a religious man, Till thanked all the gods that existed for having a spare key to his friend’s house. Before Ollie could even come out of the car, Till was already in the corridor, reaching to the door he would know the way to even in his dreams. With trembling hands, he opened the door - whatever he was encountering there, he had to be ready and most importantly, not to lose his nerve.

On the doorway Till looked like a bull who had seen red when his eyes caught Emma standing behind the bathroom door. He now had to fight the urge to squeeze the woman to that place. It didn’t help at all that Emma had a stain of blood in her hand.

Till raised his finger and trembled. “You… you fucking… I don’t even know what to call you...”

Like a criminal getting caught, Emma threw her arms in the air “Look, I can explain, it isn’t what it looks like…”

“SO WHAT IS IT THEN, HUH?” Till yelled, unable to hold it anymore even though he had promised to stay calm. “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FRIEND? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, BITCH?”

Ollie arrived behind his friend and put a hand on his shoulder. “Till, let’s try to discuss this, right?” He moved his gaze to Emma. “Where is Richard and what has happened here? Is someone hurt?” In his work, he had seen similar cases, but it was of course a bit different when it considered your good friend.

Emma looked diminished, completely cornered. She burst out into crying.

Till rolled his eyes. “Seriously, those fucking crocodile tears…”

“Till, what did I just say!” Ollie exclaimed with unusual tense in his normally gentle voice. “We should listen before we make any vague deductions.” He took a step closer to the woman and trying to sound reassuring, said: “What has exactly happened here? And where is Richard?”

Not able to say anything, Emma just pointed at the bathroom door.

Immediately, Till tried to break in, only to notice the door was locked. “Fuck!”

Ollie, who managed to keep his calm much better than his friend, knocked on the door. “Reesh, it’s Ollie and Till here. Can you please let us in? We’ll make sure nothing will happen to you. We all are worried, so please, just let us in and we’ll figure this out together, ok?”

At first, they didn’t hear anything inside the bathroom, but to their relief, the door was opened, revealing a miserable sight that sent Till right back to the past. He sighed with a sniffle and unable to say anything coherent, he took the man into his bear embrace. 

Richard started sobbing on his old friend’s shoulder. “I’m so miserable… this all was my fault…”

“Shh, don’t say things like that, everything’s going to be alright,” Till soothed, tears in his own eyes as well. “Everything’s alright, I’m right here buddy.”

Meanwhile, Ollie stayed with Emma in the entryway after he had seen it with his own eyes that Richard was safe. Ollie was trying to interrogate the woman. “So, you said you just happened to… hit him?”

“I wasn’t meant to do it, it just happened, I swear!” Emma almost screamed. “Besides, he…”

“He what exactly?” Ollie asked with a piercing look his arms crossed.

Averting her gaze, Emma said: “He had been tonight with… someone else.”

Ollie exhaled - he had been so many times in similar situations he had already lost the count. “I know it makes you upset, but it still doesn’t mean you can hit your husband.” He ran a hand through his shaved head, trying to comprehend how they should proceed.

A loud thud startled them both - on the doorway, stood Richard and Till who was holding his friend tightly like a mother bear.

“I’m taking him to my place tonight,” Till announced and narrowed his eyes when he glared at Emma. “You bitch are staying away from him, can you hear me?”

The woman barely managed to nod and Ollie backed up, following his friends. There were still many things he wanted to know, but tonight wasn’t a time for that. 

“I’d suggest you just go home,” Ollie said when he turned around the one last time. “We’ll settle this, ok?”

Almost forced to sit on the backseat, Richard held a tissue on his bleeding nose. His head was dizzy - he could at least comprehend Ollie had just sat in the driver’s place and Till was next to him, embracing him.

“Everything is alright, you are safe now,” Till soothed, through his trembling voice. “Everything is alright, we will figure this out… That bitch is now out of your life, I promise.”


	16. Ready for the second act?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have noticed, I have already decided the final amount of chapters for this never-ending story. The next chapter is on its way and I have strongly decided that I will finish this story asap to carry on to my other works - if you can't see an update soon, please kick me in the butt, haha.
> 
> Thank you for all of your support and I hope you enjoy the last parts too. :3

Slumping on the worn-out leather sofa Richard exhaled and lied down, holding his aching head. This was exactly like a time travel back to the past, including Till hassling around like a true mother hen. The big man might have looked threatening, but inside he was a total softie - especially when his dearest friend was in agony.

“Are you ok?” Till asked and paced around.

“Do you need something?” he blurted out right after the former question without Richard even having a chance to answer.

“Should we… I could…”

“Till!” Richard exclaimed and the said man froze to his place, getting a meaningful look from Ollie who was witnessing their communication in curiosity. “Can you just... stop.” Richard clenched his teeth together - he knew very well his friend didn’t mean any harm but this wasn’t what he needed now. “I’m perfectly ok and you have done just enough. Thank you, I can manage myself.”

Inhaling and exhaling, his chest heaving, Till tried to comprehend how he should act now. With one last breath of air, he forced himself to calm down and sat down on the sofa right next to Richard’s feet. He ran a hand through his face when he mumbled: “Damn, that bitch… Almost caused us a heart attack… Fuck her...”

No one of them said anything. Ollie placed himself right next to the window, his eyes fixed on the darkness of the night. He tried to use all of his social worker wit trying to solve what would be the best way to progress from this.

Unsurprisingly, it was Till who couldn’t take the stillness anymore, his head rampaging with thoughts and questions. “Can you tell us what happened, Reesh? I understand if--”

“This whole mess started when… I… I had spent an evening with _ him_,” Richard blurted out and swallowed, “with... Paul.”

This revelation made Ollie move his focus from the window. Just what they had been talking with Till earlier this evening… He’d had a feeling there must have been something…

“Wait a minute was Paul that cameraman?” Ollie asked and Richard voiced a silent “yes” along with a nod that made his head feel even heavier.

No further explanations were needed - Till started shivering even though his apartment was warm. “Oh man, was it because I sent the…?”

Richard shook his head and pressed his aching cheek. “Nothing is your fault, my friend. You were right from the start. I should have just listened to you, but maybe I was just too stubborn.”

Even though he knew how worried his friend was, Till couldn’t help a wry smile flashing on his features. “After all these years, just now you decided to admit it, huh? That I’m _ always _ right?”

Richard slapped Till’s arm that was massaging his foot and stuck out his tongue. 

“Ouch!” the big man yelled in a high-pitched voice and they all laughed, letting the stress of the evening out.

When the laughter subsided, Richard cleared his throat. “But honestly guys, I have no idea what I would have done without you.” He bit his lower lip and added with a voice barely audible: “Thank you. You have done so much for me.”

Ollie took a stool and sat down next to his friends as well. “Always, that’s why we friends exist.” He glanced at Richard and stroked his beard. “But the next question is, what are we going to do from now on? Obviously, it’s not safe for you to go back home, so I’d suggest that at least you’d spend the night here.”

“We should get rid of that bitch!” Till exclaimed a bit too loud when his aggression was coming back.

“Well, that is quite obvious, but let’s not jump the gun,” Ollie replied and placed his hands under his chin in a style of Sherlock Holmes. “What is Richard thinking, what do you want to do on this occasion?”

Richard looked at both of his friends who beamed so much genuine concern it was almost unbearable. “Honestly, I have no idea.” He tried to sit up, but Till pushed him back, getting an annoyed grunt as his thanks. 

“And one more thing…”

“Yes?” Ollie asked and leaned forward.

“There’s that fucking live interview on tv on Friday.” Richard put an arm on his head and snorted. “Can I just sleep forever and skip it?”

“Maybe not forever, but a proper rest is definitely something you’d need,” Till interrupted and pretended he didn’t see the huge eyeroll his friend was making.

Ollie nodded. “I agree.” He let his stiff shoulders drop a bit when he leaned back. “I might have a plan in my mind, but we’ll discuss it tomorrow when you have rested enough.”

“And I’ll make sure you’ll have a day-off,” Till announced, pure pride in his voice when he could be the true mother hen and his poor friend wasn’t allowed to say anything against. “We have to figure out this thoroughly and inform Paul tomorrow.”

“Oh man, not only that my marriage was garbage, soon I’m gonna be fired as well,” Richard muttered even though he knew he didn’t have any other choice than to follow his friends.

Ollie raised an eyebrow and looked at his friend. “I thought you hated them both anyway?”

Richard cursed in silence. “Can you two at least give me a pack of ice and a painkiller, so I could sleep and get ready for this master plan of yours?”

~***~

_ Even though how much I try to recall, I have no idea when I went to work as cheerful as today, _ Paul was pondering in his mind when he opened the familiar glass doors of the studio. He whistled an upbeat melody of a cheesy summer hit he had just heard from the radio and greeted his colleagues on the way. 

They just turned their heads. “Has he gone out of his mind?” someone asked and Paul pretended he hadn’t heard anything.

In his arms, he was holding a huge cardboard box. Straight away, Paul went to his office and started packing. Some things he ruthlessly just threw away - like an old “employee of the month” diploma - while some things had an emotional value, so he didn’t have the heart to throw them away.

A perfect new start for the new life - this was going to be it. The whole world was open, and Paul was the one pulling the strings - not the studio, Hartmann, or anyone on his way this time.

One of his colleagues came by the door but didn’t say anything before Paul greeted him: “Morgen, Jens.” He didn’t stop what he was doing though as he already had a good start. “How are you doing?”

Jens Koch was their intern who had joined the team just after “Married At the First Sight” had been aired the first time. They hadn’t had a chance to get to know each other so well with Paul, but the man had a deep admiration for the soon to be ex cameraman. 

“So, it is true then,” Jens said and cleared his throat. He tightened the grip of the coffee mug in his hand and let his gaze stay on the pitch-black beverage. “It’s true what they said. You really are... leaving.”

Paul turned around and looked at the intern. He didn’t bother to ask what his colleagues had been saying about him - it was most likely some typical gossip started by Hartmann. “Yes, that’s correct.” He stopped what he was doing when Jens looked unusually pale, almost sad. “Is everything ok?”

Jens nodded, but still didn’t meet Paul’s eyes. “Just that… it would have been nice getting to know you, but I guess we now just have to say our goodbyes in a hurry.”

Paul stood up and came in front of the other man. “Don’t you worry. It was fun until it lasted, but now I must do something else in my life.” He put his hands on Jens’s shoulders and squeezed them. “And remember, you should do what you want too.” With a wink, he couldn’t resist adding: “And be sure Hartmann’s not getting too hard on you, ok? He might act tough but he is more bark than bite.”

“I… guess so,” Jens replied and looked back at the other man. “I hope we'll see in the future still.”

“I hope so too.”

Just when Paul was about to go back to packing, they both were startled when a shout echoed in the corridors: “KOCH, ARE YOU SLACKING OFF AGAIN?!”

Paul rolled his eyes and mouthed: “See you around,” before Jens was displaced with his boss, who looked even redder than Paul remembered.

“Guten Morgen Herr Hartmann,” Paul purred, on purpose annoyingly sweetly. “And how are you doing?”

“Landers…” The boss inhaled and exhaled and looked as typical as ever: a mixture of a bull and a cooked lobster.

“It’s over, I have resigned,” Paul simply stated, not even the slightest bit of fear or concern in his tone. “But seriously, Zoki, out of all the cameramen there are? Jeez, you must have been desperate.”

Hartmann clenched his hands into fists - this annoying little man had won this round. As Paul had officially quitted, he didn’t have any control anymore. “We had to hire someone on short notice and Bihac was just good enough for this job. At least he listens to me, unlike _ someone_.”

“Ohh, dry your eyes, Hartmann,” Paul teased, sensing how the air got stiffer and stiffer. 

The showrunner just watched how Paul had quickened his pace with the packing. So badly, he wanted to come up with a bribe to get their best cameraman back, but there wasn’t anything he could offer. 

Paul Landers seemed to know what he wanted and that kind of people the control-freak manipulative Hartmann was afraid of.

“So goodbye and hopefully we’ll never see again,” Paul quipped before he passed his ex-boss and stepped out of those glass doors that had been trapping him for way too long. 

He was followed by vague yells, but he didn’t look back.

_ It is over now. _A heavy load had been dropped from his shoulders.

Just when Paul was reaching his car, the phone in his pocket rang. He dropped the box to the ground and almost had a heart attack when he saw who it was.

_ Richard. _

Screw all the stuff and his schedules, he _ had to _ get this call. 

“Hi!” Paul answered and swore in his mind when he sounded way too enthusiastic. “I mean, hello Richard, nice that you reached me out this soon.” _ Well, that was a solid start, woohoo Paul... _

“Hi,” came the answer on the other end. It was followed by a brief, but still oppressive enough, silence.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yes and no, but don’t worry about me now. I... have a favor to ask from you.” 

Paul pressed the phone tighter to his ear that was burning. “Yes… yes, anything. What did you have in mind?”

~***~

The studio with bright fluorescent lights was unusually silent - one could almost hear the crickets chirping. Only the members of the staff came and went, settling everything for the evening’s interview - first time ever, broadcasted live. 

In the backstage Richard had just had his make-up for the night and was now relaxing alone, having a glass of coke. In his mind, he went through over and over the plan he had asked Paul a couple of days ago - it was going to be a success, he was sure of it. First time in his life, he knew exactly what he was supposed to do and no one was going to stop him this time.

A shadow of a woman appeared behind his back out of nowhere and whispered: “Richard.”

Almost spilling his soft drink Richard first startled a bit, but then managed to gather himself together. “Emma,” he replied and cleared his throat. “We have nothing to talk about. I’ll do this one last interview with you and then it’s done.”

The normally so witty woman was remaining speechless, opening and closing her mouth, but nothing came out.

_ Richard, 1 - Emma, 0. _

Turning around, Richard glanced at the woman - she was a miserable sight, but as he had already decided how he wanted to proceed, Richard didn’t want to explain anything further. They were done, no excuses allowed. “I’m sorry about everything, but trust me, it’s better for both of us this way.”

Emma’s lip quivered. “No, I... should be sorry in this case.” She sniffled. “Can we still…?”

“No,” Richard said and positioned himself properly on the sofa. “As I said, it’s better like this.” 

To his relief, a member of the staff came to the lounge and interrupted their so-called conversation. “Emma, the make-up team is waiting for you.”

The woman who had been the cause of Richard’s recent stress was gone as fast as she had arrived - after tonight, most likely, gone forever. Richard smiled by himself - this _ must _ work…

At the same time when the evening’s participants were getting ready, the audience was making their way to the studio, excited as ever about the first live broadcast. Ollie and Till were also there, the latter fidgeting on the bench that was ridiculously small and creaky under the big built man.

“Everything ok?” Ollie asked and looked at his friend in concern.

“Yeah, I’m just… you know, I hope this will work out.” Till looked at his hands and sighed. “I’m also worried when that bitch is there with him. How can I control myself and not strangle her right from the start?”

Ollie let out a small burst of laughter and squeezed Till’s thigh. “Everything will work out perfectly, I’m sure of it. Richard is not alone there, so we’ll just trust that everything goes smoothly, right?”

Till nodded. “Yeah, I guess that’s all we can do now.”

Luckily, they didn’t have the wait for too long - the grandstand was filled, only the stars were missing.

_ Camera, lights… action! _

The woman who had gotten familiar for many viewers this season stepped to the spotlights and flashed a wide, yet stiff smile on her Barbie-like features. “Guten Abend everyone here in the studio and there at home! Welcome to the Married At the First Sight’s first live interview!” Marlene announced and spread her arms. “This season there has been a lot of going on, don’t you agree?”

The audience cheered, excited as ever to see their favorite couples in the studio. 

“But without further ado, let’s make way to the stars of the night, our happily married couples!”

One by one, the tv stars came out of the backstage and sat down to armchairs that formed a circle.

“...and as last, but not the least, this season’s star couple…” The audience held their breaths. “RICHARD KRUSPE AND EMMA STOLZ!”

If the cheering had already been loud, now the audience exploded in applause. Till in the shadows sensed on the bottom of his belly how desperately he wanted to throw up soon if this tension was not going to subside. _ How could Ollie remain so calm_, he wondered when from the corner of his eye, he saw how the other man just looked at their friend’s arrival without even blinking an eye. Oliver’s stoicism was such an enviable trait.

Not able to see where his friends were seated in the audience, Richard sat down in a soft armchair and took a sip of water. He looked around and spotted Zoki taking close-ups from them. _ Ugh. _Well, if everything would go as planned, he didn’t have to suffer for long. Richard forced a smile on his face and tried his best to focus.

“So, Karl and Paula, how is your marriage doing?” Marlene set the first question.

The couple looked at each other briefly - there was a genuine affection between the two. “Well, truth to be told, it has been even better than expected…”

Even though how polite Richard tried to be, inside him was such a fuss he couldn’t concentrate on what was happening around. He kept tapping fingers on his thigh, reassuring this had been the right decision.

Richard closed his eyes for a second and the memories placed him back to the past, two days ago.

_ Paul’s voice had been such a relief to hear. Richard could melt just hearing that melodic voice all over and over. _

_ After the agreement, Richard had started to explain the plan: “You know we have that live interview on Friday with all of the couples from the show?” _

_ “Yeah?” _

_ “So, I’d like to ask you to… come there.” _

_ On the other end, a chuckle could be heard. “I’m sorry, but I already resigned from the studio, you remember? I can’t come there anymore. If I would have known earlier, I could--” _

_ “I know, but this time, you wouldn't be attending there as a cameraman.” _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ Richard held the phone tighter and ignored Ollie and Till who were carefully witnessing his actions. “You will be there only for me. We’ll give the hungry audience something they would have never expected. Do you trust me, Paulchen?” _

_ “I guess I have no other choice.” _

Marlene smiled for the answers of Karl and Paula and then turned to the last couple. “So, Richard and Emma, herzlichen willkommen!”

Richard snapped out of his thoughts and tried to come back to the real world. “Danke,” he replied, his throat feeling so raspy he had to take another sip of water. If this continued, he’d be convinced he’d had to run to the bathroom soon.

Maybe run from the plan, to hide…? No, they were this far already, so no retreating. Why was he even thinking about something like that?

_ Focus, for fuck’s sake. _

“Since your honeymoon, our audience has been eager to see what your next step will be,” Marlene said and looked at the papers in front of her before she focused back on the couple. “So, how are you doing now? Anything you want to reveal for us, the curious audience?” She winked and even though it was supposed to look funny Richard found it rather disgusting.

_ Jeez, I’m happy to get rid of these artificial tv people soon. _

Emma glanced at the man next to her and as he didn’t look like he was making an attempt to start, she cleared her throat and said: “We are doing… ok. Of course, there has been a bit of a rocky start, but you know… we are working on it.”

_ Lies. You are even a lousier liar than I thought, hahah. _

Everyone waited for Richard to say anything but the man just remained silent and fidgeted with the glass in his hand.

“Okay, mysterious it is then, huh,” Marlene said with an awkward chuckle. “So, umm…” She browsed her papers. “What do you like to do together the most?”

Again, Emma looked at the man next to her, but as he still didn’t react anyhow, she decided to take the lead. _ Fine. If he’s not talking, I’ll do my best. _ She wasn’t here to embarrass them. “Well, me and Richard--”

“Nothing,” the man now spoke out of a sudden, “we are doing _ nothing _ together because we aren’t meant for each other. In fact, this so-called marriage of ours has been such a farce. This woman here is quite a liar.”

Everyone in the audience gasped. Till took Ollie from his arm and squeaked. “So here it begins… What if this doesn’t…”

“Shh, we practiced this, he knows what he is doing.”

Richard stood up and didn’t look at his soon to be ex-wife who just stared at him with her mouth wide open, stupidly as ever. Even Marlene couldn’t say anything. Loyal to his own style, Zoki was sensing there was something juicy coming on and focused entirely on Richard. 

On the table in front of the audience was a bouquet of roses and Richard took one from there. Looking at the flower in his hand, he started talking: “I came to this show to seek a meaning for my life that had been kicking me to the balls for way too long.”

The audience chuckled, but in an awkward way. _ Was this supposed to happen, or was this man doing a solo performance? _ Either way, most of the people there found this surprise entertaining and were hungry to see where this was going.

_ Throw yourself to the wolves for the greater good. Give them what they want - shock them, entertain them, and then… _

_ You are free to do whatever you wish. _

Marlene in the background hissed to the technicians who had frozen to their places. “What the hell is happening now? Was this planned? I thought this was going to be just a mere interview. Do something!”

Jens was also among them, witnessing something he had never seen on tv - something that clearly wasn’t planned. Despite Marlene’s commands, no one dared to stop this show as they were too curious to see what the outcome would be.

Richard concentrated on his act even though his trembling knees were about to betray him - the whole audience’s focus was entirely on him. “I thought that if I’d just trust a team of people who were supposed to be matchmaking experts, I’d fulfill the void in my life - an easy solution. I had suffered for so long that I was desperate enough to say yes when my best friend suggested that I’d participate.”

_ Damn, how can I speak this clearly even though I’d rather just run away screaming? _All of his life, Richard had been running away - but it had to be stopped, once and for all.

The nervous Till couldn’t control himself anymore - he stood up in the grandstand and raised his hands in the air. “GO RICHARD, I LOVE YOU, MY FRIEND! YOU ARE THE FUCKING BEST, YAY!”

With a genuine smile, Richard waved to the enthusiastic man in the audience - without his dear friends, he would have never, ever had the guts to do this. He sent a blow kiss and said: “Thank you and I love you too. But not in _ that _way, y’know. That place is reserved for someone else.”

The audience burst out into laughter and the tense atmosphere was getting a bit more relaxed. Till managed to have the patience to sit down and listen again.

Ollie leaned closer to his friend and whispered: “See? He is doing great.”

It was time for the speech to continue - no one was able to stop it anymore. “But as many of you might know,” Richard said and looked at the audience, “life doesn’t go as planned. Even how good your plan would be, there always come surprises on the way. 

And the surprises that were just around the corner waiting for me I wouldn’t have imagined even in my wildest dreams.”

Richard cleared his throat and paced around to settle himself down. With his vigilant eyes, he scanned the surroundings. _ He should be here at any minute by now… _“Via this show, I was introduced to a person who was supposed to be a perfect match for me.” Richard flashed a lopsided smile before he placed a question: “But guess what?”

After a brief silence, he continued: “That never happened. I and Emma ended up hating each other. We fought, we were jealous, it was a disaster overall. Better for both of us to stay as far as we can from each other.”

_ Gasp. _ The audience was on its toes. The star couple had betrayed them. _ So, who was then…? _

Richard raised his hand and the babbling subsided. “Yeah, I know, I know, the media maybe doesn’t tell you everything. But don’t get me wrong. Even though the show didn’t go as planned, something else occurred. _ Something _ much better.

Or should I say... _ someone_?”

_ Now it is time to reveal yourself, my love. _

Before anyone could comprehend anything, a door slammed closed which was followed by footsteps. Soon, a petite figure with a red beanie appeared to the spotlights. He smiled to the audience and waved, hoping no one would see his completely red face. He also thanked the gods when the rapid pounding of his heart couldn’t be heard.

Marlene’s jaw almost dropped to the ground while Zoki was drooling like Pavlov’s dog. It was only getting better, he was going to get a raise with this material... He needed to film everything...

Richard’s features softened when he saw who had just arrived. His eyes were completely fixed on the man. ”Liebling, could you please come here?”

Paul came just next to Richard who entwined his arm around the smaller man and turned to him, their faces only inches away from each other.

In the middle of the tv cameras and the audience, without any hint of hesitation, Richard announced out loud: “Paul Landers, we chose each other. _ You _ are the love of my life.”

In automation, Richard tilted his head and placed his hand on Paul’s nape of the neck - a silent inquiry.

Paul closed his eyes and nodded. _ Let’s do it, once and for all. _

Richard didn’t have to be asked twice - he dragged the man of his dreams on his lips for a sweet, lingering kiss.

They had nothing to lose. This was _ their _ moment to shine.

A thump could be heard behind them - someone passed out. Neither Richard nor Paul didn’t have the time to check what had happened though - they were busy.

Their foreheads touching, Richard gasped in adoration and stroked Paul’s hair. He whispered when they had withdrawn from the kiss: “Are you ready, love?”

“Ready as ever. Let’s do it,” Paul replied and took Richard’s hand: as fast as they could they started heading outside. At the same time, Ollie and Till used their best parkouring skills to follow the couple.

_ Erfolg. _

“Hey, what are you….?”

“Come back!”

“Where are you going?!”

The questions and shouts went to the void.

In a record time, Richard and Paul reached their destination: a black retro car that was waiting for them exactly in front of the studio. The couple jumped on the back while the man on the driver’s seat turned to them. He fixed his glasses to have a better view. “Have to admit, quite a show you put there, guys.”

“Thanks, Flake, it was the purpose,” Richard said through heavy panting. He glanced at the transparent doors and saw a horde of hungry people following them. He hoped Till and Ollie had made it in time to their car.

His foot ready on the gas pedal, Flake asked: “Where are we heading next, lovebirds?” 

“Doesn’t matter as long as it’s as far as we can get from here,” Richard said and the car tires screeched, just before the mob made their way outside.


	17. And thereto, I pledge thee my faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff, fluff, and more fluff! \:D/ But this story deserves a romantic ending, right?
> 
> I'm nervous as hell about ending this story, I hope it doesn't fall flat or anything, lol. I hope you all have enjoyed the ride, still an epilogue to go through after this sweet little thing!
> 
> Songs that I used as an inspiration for this chapter:  
[Young and beautiful](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Te11UaHOHMQ)  
[Young and beautiful, piano version](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57YkGFK7CDA)  
[Engel piano version](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9N9BNNf4nM).

_ Scandal on tv: Kruspe disappears with his secret lover! _

_ This summer’s tv hit series “Married At the First Sight” came to a surprising conclusion when the season’s star couple’s husband fled from a live broadcast with the ex-cameraman! Was this planned? Channel 4’s showrunner Rubert Hartmann refuses to comment on the issue. _

_ The now ex-wife Emma Stolz simply stated to the press: “I didn’t know anything about this.” _

In a secret hideout, Flake flipped through the colorful pages of a gossip magazine. “Yup, just as I said, quite a show you put there guys. The press will definitely be after you. What is the plan now?” he asked and put the paper aside.

A beautiful summer evening was setting in the prettiest countryside of Germany. Richard and Paul lied next to each other watching how the gentle waves of a lake rippled. Till and Ollie had gone fishing while Flake had volunteered to keep an eye on the lovebirds - no one wanted them to get caught if someone sneaky found their way here, finding the two tv stars making out in the yard.

Richard and Paul glanced at each other and grinned. “Oh Flake, don’t you worry about us. We know exactly what we are going to do.”

~***~

_ six months later _

~***~

The portrait from the mirror revealed a person Richard never imagined he could have become: a content man with a steady, healthy relationship. His friends hadn’t missed a single moment to banter when they had spent weeks at Till’s cottage, safely away from the media and the curious gazes.

_ “Oh, look Mr. Love Machine managed to have a free block in his busy schedule for us mere lousy mortals,” Flake had one evening said when Richard had been late for dinner, his spiky black hair sticking out in all directions and his shirt backwards. Even a half-blind man could have noticed they had done something else in their room with Paul than just napping. _

Yup, maybe he resembled a teenage girl madly in love, his heads in the clouds, but Richard didn’t care. In the end, he knew that behind all that teasing, they all were happy that the pieces of the puzzle, aka Richard’s life, seemed finally to fit together.

All of this had resulted in this one special day that made butterflies dance in both Richard’s and Paul’s bellies in the wildest way possible. Here Richard was, in a hotel, waiting for his wedding - and this time, he had chosen with whom he was about to start a new chapter in his life.

While Richard was tying his tie, he looked outside where a snowstorm was rampaging. Yes, it might have been a ridiculous idea to have your wedding in the middle of winter, but waiting was out of the question. He and Paul both knew in their hearts that it was now or never.

After the incident at the show, Richard had finally been free, so the crazy idea had been implanted in both of their heads, escalating to this particular day.

_ “Paul, will you marry me?” _Richard had asked that one dark autumn evening after they had come back to Berlin. His answer had been the other man jumping to his arms, giving wild, wet kisses.

_ “Love, you don’t even have to ask.” _

Humming by himself, Till, who had been supporting his friend with the arrangements of the special night, came out of the toilet and stopped. He whistled and looked at his friend from head to toe. “Damn, you look freaking great!” He winked and added: “If I would have known, I would have married you myself.”

Richard nudged his friend in a firm, yet friendly way. “Even though how flattering that is, you know very well how bad my partner is at sharing.”

Surrendering in his own dramatic way, Till raised his arms into the air. “Ok, ok, I got it. I’ll leave you lovebirds all by yourself tonight, I promise. The last thing I want to experience is Paul’s wrath. He might look tiny and sweet, but he has a temper of a terrier!”

Richard couldn’t help but chuckle - his best friend had turned into a cheerleader of his and Paul’s relationship since they had officially divorced with Emma. It had been heart-warming to witness how easily Paul had blended in to their friend group - like they would have known each other for years.

Emma had called Richard a couple of times, but as promised, it was all over between the arranged marriage. Speaking of the woman, Richard didn’t have the slightest clue what she was doing nowadays - and maybe better that way. They both had their own lives now. 

What was left was Richard’s and Paul’s only true love.

At first, there had been concerns might it be too early to get married already, after knowing each other only for six months. On the other hand, in his former marriage, Richard had seen his wife at the altar the first time. Compared to that disaster this was slow-paced and well thought.

Richard exhaled and finished his tie. It didn’t look that bad. _ I hope he will like it. _

There was still a couple of hours before the ceremony was supposed to start, but Richard was sensing the uprising panic in him. For the millionth time, he tried on the outfit for the evening: a golden vest, decorated with patterns of peacock feathers accompanied with a black tuxedo jacket. As a cherry on top, he wanted his freshly dyed raven hair to be perfect and some neat eyeliner to contrast his eyes. His former self wouldn’t have had the guts to show up in public looking like this, but those days were in the past.

Richard smiled to himself in the mirror - maybe the first time in his life, he was satisfied with how he looked. 

Just before Richard was about to turn around and ask for Till’s opinion about the outfit and his looks in general, a knock on the door startled them both. 

Till stopped reading a book and opened the door. There stood a woman from room service with a huge bouquet of flowers in her arms. “Is Herr Kruspe here?”

Richard glanced behind Till’s back, having difficulties seeing behind the broad body. “Yes, that’s me.” 

“These were specially delivered for you,” the woman said with a warm smile and handed him the flowers. “Enjoy your evening!”

Both men just stared at the enormous flower bouquet in silence before Till whispered: “Wow… what a lucky bastard you are.”

In the middle of the red roses, Richard dug out a card. 

_ May our day be unforgettable, mein Liebling. I can’t stop thinking about you, but soon, we’ll have each other. _

_ I love you. _

~***~

Holding a wedding in the middle of the winter didn’t make any sense Richard could once again tell when he stepped out of the warmth of the taxi to the freezing wind. He was greeted by a neat row of beautiful outdoor fires, and there was no questioning whose idea those had been - at least, the half-arsonist Lindemann had held himself together. He had promised a surprise after the ceremony. Ominous - Richard could only wonder was it supposed to have something to do with fire, or even worse. _ Oh boy, I can’t wait. _Richard chuckled. At least it must be better than that awkward speech in his former wedding.

When Richard stepped inside the venue, savoring the warm air, curious eyes were fixed on him. A waitress took his jacket and Richard passed all the familiar faces: there was Till with glossy eyes, right next to him Ollie holding his hand. Flake’s new girlfriend had joined too, though the man himself was sitting behind a huge grand piano. His and Richard’s eyes met and they flashed a smile to each other. Richard had insisted that Flake should be playing on their special night and with a bit of persuading, he had accepted the offer. Lastly, Richard passed Schneider and his wife, both looking stunning as ever. If Richard could see properly, his friend’s wife’s belly was unusually round. He should ask later, but from their looks, he could sense they might have some happy news to tell.

Forcing his fidgeting body to calm down, Richard settled on a place where he was supposed to wait for the final participant of the ceremony, the most important of them all: his upcoming husband. Like a kid on Christmas, Richard was both excited and terrified about how this all would go. The day had been busy enough to distract him, but now when the hassling had stopped, Richard had to swallow constantly and rub his sweaty palms to his pants. Well, in no time, he didn’t have to stay alone in the spotlights.

The clock on the wall with fancy-sounding French phrases ticked painfully slowly before the priest gave a signal for Flake to start playing. As the couple wasn’t fond of clichés or religions at all, instead of a traditional wedding march, they had chosen Lana del Rey’s “Young and beautiful” as their song for tonight. Paul had bantered his partner about his poppy taste of music, but when he had heard the piano arrangement even he surrendered and admitted it suited them.

Along with the soft yet wistful melody, the long-awaited man appeared behind the corner. The song was instrumental but Richard couldn’t help but the lyrics coming to his mind.

_ I've seen the world,_  
_Done it all, had my cake now. _  
_ Diamonds, brilliant, and Bel-Air now, _  
_ Hot summer nights, mid-July, _  
_ When you and I were forever wild, _  
_The crazy days, the city lights. _  


__

How could lyrics, made by a worldwide superstar who didn’t know anything about them, reflect what they had gone through so perfectly? _ Damn. _Words truly were powerful tools. Richard’s eyes watered and he cleared his throat - needless to say maybe, but Paul looked gorgeous in his perfectly fitting suit, his shining smile competing with the glimmering of his golden earrings.

__

_ Will you still love me, _  
_ When I'm no longer young and beautiful? _  
_ Will you still love me, _  
_ When I got nothing but my aching soul? _  


__

“Is everything alright? You look a bit pale,” Paul asked when he had reached Richard who didn’t say a word, just held his breath.

__

_ You bet I will love you, no matter what. _

__

The addressed man blinked his eyes rapidly. “Yes, all this attention is just a bit… overwhelming.” He tried to force a tiny chuckle but it was shaky. He sniffled and looked at Paul, putting a hand behind his ear. “You look… really nice.”

__

The answer was a genuinely bright smile and Paul offered his arm. Richard could see how the other man’s eyes were also glossy. “Shall... we?”

__

_ I've seen the world, lit it up as my stage now, _  
_ Channeling angels in, the new age now. _  
_ Hot summer days, rock and roll, _  
_ The way you'd play for me at your show, _  
_ And all the ways I got to know, _  
_ Your pretty face and electric soul. _  


__

They stopped by the altar where the priest started his short litany: “Paul und Richard, sind Sie freiwillig und bereiten Herzens gekommen, um miteinander die Ehe einzugehen?”

__

The answer was obvious. “Ja,” the two men replied in unison. In his former wedding, Richard had had to think twice what to answer - not this time.

__

“Wollen Sie einander lieben und achten und die Treue halten bis dass der Tod euch scheidet?”

__

They looked at each other, tears now visible on their cheeks. “Always and forever.”

__

“Very well,” the priest said and turned towards the audience. ”May your love cherish and guide you through the brightest and darkest days. This is the beginning of your journey - may it be the best for you. I declare you as husbands!”

__

They shared the rings, tokens of eternal love and dedication to each other.

__

The audience cheered and applauded and the poor emotional Till couldn’t help it anymore: he started sobbing uncontrollably when Richard and Paul shared their first kiss as husbands in front of their loved ones.

__

_ Will you still love me, _  
_ When I'm no longer young and beautiful? _  


__

The kiss was sweet, wistful, and purposefully lingering. The world stopped around them, this was only their moment. Both Richard and Paul could feel the tickling starting from the soles of their feet, warming up their middle body, and dizzying their heads. 

__

_ Oh God, I know you will love me, no matter what. _

__

When the two men barely managed to withdraw from each other, Richard swept his eyes and raised their entwined hands. He smiled, pure pride and happiness in his chest. “Meine Freunde, the official part is over. It’s time to celebrate!”

__

~***~

__

The food and drinks had filled the enthusiast audience nicely, warm chattering echoing in the venue. After the emotional beginning and formalities, the atmosphere had gotten more casual, everyone happy stuffing themselves with more cake and beverages.

__

Just like in Richard’s former wedding, Till tinkled a wine glass out of a sudden. All the guests looked at him with question marks above their heads though curious to see something happening.

__

Richard gritted his teeth in automation and Paul chuckled when he noticed the rigidity in his husband. “What, don’t you like when he is the center of attention?”

__

“Just that I never have any idea what is coming when he speaks.” _ Please, no more embarrassing stuff about me, or childhood stories. _Even though they were now officially married to Paul, he didn’t have to know every single detail.

__

Till stood up and cleared his throat. “Guten Abend. I bet everyone has been waiting for this the whole night, so here’s a speech for my best friend…” He fumbled a folded paper from the pocket of his jacket.

__

A silence fell upon the audience and Till scratched his head while Richard mumbled by himself: “Oh no… What is he doing...”

__

Looking around in the stiff silence, Till couldn’t help his lips going upwards more and more by the comically bemused stares. In the end, he burst out into laughter and pointed at his best friend who was so pale he was standing out in the dim, atmospheric lights. “Gotcha!”

__

_ What…? _Richard slumped on the chair and just before he was about to fall, Paul caught him and gave a tiny peck on his cheek, laughing along with the audience.

__

When the laughter subsided Till coughed and stated: “I’m going to save you this time and instead of a speech, there will be something else. Something much better.” He put on his straight face again and stepped on the small stage where Flake was with his grand piano. Till nodded to the pianist - they apparently were partners in crime in this. “Ready?”

__

Flake put his long fingers on the keys and counted in silence: “1, 2, 3, 4…”

__

A melody Richard couldn’t recognize started to play and they both looked at each other with Paul. 

__

“I have no idea, but it sounds quite nice,” Paul said and took a sip of wine before he entwined his arms around Richard, immersing themselves in the delicate music.

__

After the mellow beginning, the piano played a darker tune, followed by Till’s singing:

__

_ “Wer zu Lebzeit gut auf Erden. _  
_ Wird nach dem Tod ein Engel werden. _  
_ Den Blick gen Himmel fragst du dann, _  
_ Warum man sie nicht sehen kann? _  


__

_ Erst wenn die Wolken schlafen gehen...” _

__

Richard’s eyes widened. He must have seen these lyrics somewhere… but where…

__

Then, a flash of memory came to him. A couple of weeks before the wedding something had happened - Till had almost gotten caught.

__

_ A black notebook was open on the table in Till’s kitchen. It was filled with the poet’s neat, small handwriting. Normally, his friend was pedantic not to share his works and rarely showed anything to anyone. Now, when he had a chance, Richard couldn’t help but sneak into the personal journal. It couldn’t be that bad, right…? Just a quick look. _

__

_ He looked around and took the notebook in his hand. It was like that moment from the past when Richard had accidentally in elementary school found a diary of a girl from their class who’d had a desperate crush on him. _

__

** _Engel_ **

__

** _Wer zu Lebzeit gut auf Erden, wird nach dem Tod ein Engel werden. Den Blick gen Himmel fragst du dann…_ **

__

** _Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein._ **

__

_ “Hey, what are you doing!?” Till yelled when he came back to the kitchen seeing his friend absorbed in the secret notebook. His cheeks red, Till took his precious art back and slammed the book closed in front of his friend’s face. “It’s a work in progress, you’re not allowed to stalk it!” _

__

_ “I didn’t even see much,” Richard defended himself. “Why don’t you ever show me your poems? That ‘Engel’ one was really pretty.” _

__

_ “Thanks,” Till mumbled and averted his gaze to the ground. _

__

_ A mischievous grin forming on his face, Richard couldn’t avoid asking: “Who is this Engel you are referring to, by the way?” _

__

_ Till sighed and squeezed the notebook in his hands. “I’m writing it for a person who has a special place in my heart.” He bit his lower lip and with a voice barely audible, added: “That’s all I can tell you.” _

__

_ Richard wiggled his eyebrows. “Ohhh, a woman?” _

__

_ Giving his friend a glare, Till stated: “I’m not gonna tell you now, but I promise I’ll show you the final version when I’m ready. But from now on, I will lock this notebook somewhere safe from you Mr. Nosy Ass!” _

__

As a loyal and honest man, Till had kept his promise: here was the final version and the first poem his friend had ever shown to Richard. _ I’m so proud of him. _What a talent wasted, confined in locked drawers and hidden notebooks. Richard was sure he was going to insist Till he had to publish his works from now on.

__

_ “Erst wenn die Wolken schlafen gehen, _  
_ Kann man uns am Himmel sehen. _  
_ Wir haben Angst und sind allein. _  
_ Gott weiß, ich will kein Engel sein…” _  


__

Along with the last lyrics, Flake played the ending melodies, lingering the last chords. Richard knew his pianist friend had a bit of stage fright and because of that, sometimes messed up while playing, but he was now on fire barely noticing people were watching him. 

__

What a talented bunch of friends Richard had. He was honored to be a part of this group.

__

After the applause and cheering, the burning red Till didn’t meet the gazes of the mesmerized audience when he announced from the little stage: “Mein Freund, you have walked a long path that hasn’t always been the smoothest one.” He sniffled. “You probably aren’t an angel and don’t want to be one, but this evening, let it be dedicated only for you and Paul.”

__

He raised a glass in his hand. “Prost! May your marriage last for an eternity.”

__

“PROST!”

__

~***~

__

The snowstorm had subsided and that was enough for Richard and Paul to sneak outside from all the curious gazes. The guests were getting comfortably tipsy and talkative, so no one even bothered to question where the two lovebirds were heading to. After Till’s revelation of his art, people wanted him to perform more, so he kept entertaining the guests with Flake by singing German folk songs and classics.

__

Paul entwined his arm around his husband, searching for warmth for the cold winter night. “What are you thinking now, love?”

__

Almost lighting up a cigarette after the hectic day, Richard gave up and instead, squeezed the other man. “Ohh, it’s so syrupy I’d probably just let it stay in my mind this time.”

__

Paul turned to look at Richard with narrow eyes. “Hey, c’mon, it’s our wedding, it’s supposed to be goddamn fluffy! No secrets, right?”

__

“Alright, alright,” Richard said along with a burst of laughter as Paul had just started tickling his sides.

__

Richard sighed and let his hand wander to Paul’s hair, stroking it gently. “I’m just thinking that I’m the luckiest man on this earth right now. Lucky to have a person like you by my side.” His touch drifted lower and he fumbled with Paul’s earrings. “Yeah, that’s it… To be honest, I’m not in the wittiest state right now, sorry.” _ Blinded by love, _ he almost said out loud. _ Yuck, what a cliché, but maybe I am a walking cliché. _

__

Letting out a small gasp, Paul was already counting hours when they could be just the two of them in the hotel. “I feel extremely lucky too,” he replied and had dreamy, glimmering eyes. “Only thanks to you, Richard. I have no idea where I would have ended up without you. Maybe I’d be still working for Channel 4, pissed at Hartmann’s shit.”

__

They both laughed genuinely, their joy reverberating in the dark, clear night. 

__

“Is it only me, or is it getting a bit cold?” Paul asked and shivered. “Should we--”

__

_ Well, I know a solution for that_, Richard thought and leaned forward for a kiss. Paul growled a little and Richard felt a clutch on the bottom of his belly. Because of the wedding arrangements, they hadn’t had time together and it was clearly bothering them both.

__

_ Darn, can time go a bit faster, so we could just progress to the best part of the evening…? _Richard mimicked his husband’s thoughts.

__

Without them noticing, Ollie’s head appeared by the door. He saw the couple of the night busy kissing - or it looked more like eating, how the hell could he know - each other senseless, but as he there was something important he decided to take the risk and coughed. “Guys…”

__

Both Richard and Paul turned around, not looking the slightest bit sorry though. “What is it, Ollie?” Paul cooed, not letting go of his husband though.

__

Ollie smirked. “I’m terribly sorry to interrupt you, but as we promised, the night of surprises isn’t over yet. May I ask you to come inside?”

__

Not saying anything, Richard and Paul walked inside hand in hand where all of their friends were standing in a row. Till was in the middle, an envelope in his hands. 

__

Richard raised an eyebrow. “How many freaking surprises are there gonna be tonight? Should I be worried?”

__

“Many,” Till replied and held the envelope still in his hands. “It’s your wedding, after all. I bet this might be the best one. Please, don’t faint.”

__

Richard kept staring at both Till and the thing in his hands, not sure how to proceed.

__

“Just take it, it’s not gonna explode or anything.”

__

“Love, if you are not going to open it, I’ll do it for you,” said Paul, who with his quick lithe fingers, took the envelope before Richard’s eyes.

__

In a record time, Paul tore it open and pulled out a card. He looked at the decorative paper with a Mayan temple with curiosity, before he read the text inside. His eyes widened and he covered his open mouth with his hand. “Oh shit, you can’t be serious guys… This must be a joke...”

__

“What, what is it?” Richard asked and took the card in his hand. After he had read it, he dropped it to the ground and turned to look at his friends, eyes like saucers. 

__

“Enjoy your honeymoon!” Till, Flake, Ollie, and Schneider chirped in unison.

__


End file.
